"Choosing the View From the Bridge: The Observing Self & the Experiencing Self"

“Choosing the View From the Bridge”

With the recent record warmth in Wisconsin we took advantage of the weather and went for a long hike last Saturday. One of the highlights of our walk was pausing on an old wooden bridge to watch the water flowing under our feet. Observing silently for an extended time, we noticed how often our view changed. We saw many different sizes and shapes of sticks floating by, along with various sizes and shapes of dried leaves. Occasionally, a piece of recently freed ice drifted into view as well. And between the multiple objects floating by, there were long stretches of crystal clear water.

Our experience reminded us of a concept we often teach people who are having trouble with experiencing anxious thoughts. And who among us doesn't struggle with anxious thoughts at times?

We teach that it is helpful to think of each of us having an "experiencing self" and an "observing self." When we experience anxious thoughts, as the phrase "experience anxious thoughts" makes evident, our experiencing self is having those thoughts and feelings. When we pause and notice that we have been having many worried thoughts, it is our observing self that is doing the noticing. Other examples might be when we see that we have been irritable and overly reactive. Or when we notice that we have been eating poorly when stressed. Or when we notice that we go shopping to take our mind off things troubling us. That is our observing self doing the noticing.

Returning to the scene of our watching the flow of the stream on our recent hike, that was our observing selves standing on the bridge and watching what went by. We were merely observing what was happening in front of us.

The flow of the stream can be compared to our experiencing selves, literally experiencing the flow of our thoughts and feelings and all that comes with that. Sometimes, there is lots of debris floating by; other times, the water is crystal clear.

Just as a person has no control over what floats by in the stream, we often have little control over what floats through our minds at any given time, nor what feelings come along. What we do have control over is our capacity to get up on the bridge, and to access our observing self. This is particularly helpful when we are feeling overwhelmed with thoughts or emotions. If we can let ourselves adopt the perspective that these things will naturally float on by with time, and we needn't be swept along by them, we will feel in better control.

Here are some real-life examples of how this can help. A parent is exasperated by their teen and about to lose control. Instead of losing control, they realize that they need to call a time-out and tell their teen that they need to go for a walk to calm down. They can resume their conversation later. The parent has used their observing self to notice their experiencing self becoming overwhelmed. They then made an excellent call to calm the river of their emotions before continuing the conversation. The observing self helped the experiencing self gain perspective and calm down.

Imagine receiving an email or text message that irritates you. Your experiencing self may want to send an angry reply immediately. Fortunately, you can intentionally climb up on the bridge. Then you can have your observing self help you to make the decision to respond in a few hours, or even the next day, when you are not so emotionally flooded. Responding from your observing self will undoubtedly be much more productive.

Some practices we can use to strengthen our observing self include meditation, prayer, mindfulness, journaling, talking to trusted friends, or talking to a therapist. Strengthening our ability to step out of the river of thoughts and feelings and onto the bridge of the observing self is a sure way to enhance our personal wellness and the wellbeing of our relationships.

If you want to hear more about our thoughts on this topic, listen to this week’s 10-minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Balance As a Verb"

"Balance As a Verb"

The two of us recently had the opportunity to be guest presenters at classes on wellness coaching at the University of Wisconsin, here in the state capitol of Madison, where we live. We are honored to be working with the university to develop a student peer wellness coaching program that is partially based on the resources we have created.

One of the things we enjoyed discussing with the students last week was how hard it is to change habits. It became clear that this is not just true for those of us in the second half of life, but is equally valid for eighteen - to twenty-two-year-olds. In our discussions, the students shared how it's complicated because they realize that the very habits that have served them well, for example, regularly pushing themselves to work and perform to the point of exhaustion, are also habits they know sometimes compromise their wellbeing. They struggle with balancing the reward of achieving good grades and getting into good programs with how anxious and overwhelmed they sometimes feel. They kept saying that they were striving for balance but found it challenging, reporting that just when they start to feel more centered, some new challenges come their way.

The balance we seek varies throughout the life cycle. Like riding a bicycle, we never actually achieve perfect balance. As we talked with the students, we discussed how a regular practice of self-awareness helps all of us make the constant adjustments it takes to keep riding forward. And we discussed how this is true for their parents, professors, and everyone they know and have known, as it is a lifelong process for all of us. Several students shared the insight that it's easier to make small changes on an ongoing basis than to wait until a crisis forces them to change in a big way.

Later, as we talked with the students about their peer wellness coaching work, we shared with them that asking good questions is the most essential tool they will use. We explained how the person they are coaching is always the expert on their own lives and will intuitively know whatever changes they want or need to make. They will be the ones that know best if and when a change needs to be made.

They decided they liked the following question and would use it in their meetings with other students." Is there some change you already know of, something that, if you either did more of or less of, would enhance your wellbeing and balance right now? Can you share with me what that might be?" It's a great question not just for young people to be asking, but for all of us as well.

Asking ourselves, "What small change could I make right now to enhance my wellbeing?" is always a good start. Then listening and acting, on an ongoing basis, to the answers that come to mind, regarding all areas of our lives, will keep us pedaling down the road with a greater sense of wellbeing and balance.

If you want to hear more about our thoughts on balance as a verb, listen to this week’s 10-minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Both Sides Now"

"Both Sides Now"

Joni Mitchell has always been one of our favorite musicians, so we smiled when, while facilitating our six-week Parent Wellness Circle program, one mom in the group quoted Joni's most well-known song, "Both Sides Now." She was saying how when her kids were young, and she and her partner were overwhelmed with the day-to-day stresses of parenting, they would often dream of the freedom that would come one day when their children grew up and left home. Now that that day is coming and the last child is about to move out, she wishes she could slow things down and delay the inevitable. She went on to say, "I guess, to paraphrase Joni Mitchell, 'I've looked at parenting from both sides now.' "

We often watch the Grammys, and when we heard a few weeks ago that Joni Mitchell was scheduled to perform, we made sure to tune in. We were not prepared for the emotions we would feel when the now eighty-year-old Joni sang a profoundly moving version of her well-known song, "Both Sides Now." We both cried from almost the opening refrain. If you have yet to see it and are wondering why we felt so much emotion, please take some time to watch it yourself. You can find it HERE.

Knowing the incredible suffering she has endured in her life made the lyrics and her performance extraordinarily powerful. When Mitchell was nine, she had polio, spent a year in the hospital, and was told she would probably never walk again. She overcame those odds and did, of course, walk, but the effects of polio were always with her. At age 20, she reluctantly gave her daughter up for adoption because she had so little money that she could not afford to raise her. And more recently, in 2015, she suffered a nearly fatal aneurysm that left her unable to speak, walk, or play the guitar.

Since then, she has spent countless hours learning to speak again. She has also retaught herself how to play the guitar, remembering where to put her fingers for the chords of her songs by watching videos of herself performing. It was thought that she might never speak again, let alone perform. Much to everyone's surprise, in 2022, she made a surprise appearance at the Newport Folk Festival and sang for the first time in public in over seven years. And then, two weeks ago, there she was, her first time performing at the Grammy's, courageously playing "Both Sides Now" for all the world to see and hear.

Her lyrics to "Both Sides Now" speak eloquently of the complexity of love and life. Life humbles us all at some point, and things we thought we knew for certain become more nuanced. As we grow and change, we may gradually experience situations and concepts from different perspectives. Illusions of certainty we may have had when we were young give way to a deep sense of reverence for the mystery and preciousness of life. This mystery is often revealed most fully in times of loss—as with the parent we mentioned at the beginning of this column. And most certainly when an 80-year-old singer who has thrilled listeners for decades sings to us once again, this time after struggling as a survivor of a significant health crisis. In her own words, "Something's lost, but something's gained in living every day."

As marriage and family therapists, we know the healing power of softening one's heart enough to be able to look at life from another's perspective. Being open to multiple perspectives on complex matters is a sign of maturity. And developing enough empathy and compassion to look at things from more than one side is crucial to everyone's emotional, relational, and spiritual wellbeing.

If you want to hear more about how this song speaks to us, listen to this week's 11-minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Growing Our Relationships"

"Growing Our Relationships"

Are you looking for a last-minute Valentine's Day gift for someone special to you? Read on for a recommendation for a gift that will not cost you a penny but will require something else from you instead.

The quote in the box above, "Change is inevitable. Growth is optional," from author John Maxwell, is one of our favorites. Maxwell writes leadership books, so it is natural that the wisdom of this quote is something he often applies to organizations and businesses. In honor of Valentine's Day approaching, though, we would like to reflect on its meaning as it pertains to love and relationships. 

All relationships change over time, as change is inevitable. This is true of every relationship we are a part of, whether they be with family members, co-workers, neighbors, friends, and, of course, romantic relationships. While every relationship experiences change over time, not all relationships experience growth. Why? Because, as the Maxwell quote says, growth is optional. 

Growth happens when people are committed to the ongoing emotional growth relationships require. Growth occurs when both people see conflict and challenging times as opportunities for growth in understanding each other and are willing to learn and use new communication and listening skills. Growth also occurs when we accept that from time to time relationships get stuck, and that it is wise to ask for help by seeking out a therapist, a coach, a course, or book.  

Our last column and podcast talked about how "Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow." This is so true when it comes to relationships. Valentine's Day is a beautiful reminder that our relationships need attention and nurturing, not just at this time of year, but always.  

So, in addition to whatever cards or gifts we may give this Valentine's Day, let's consider that the greatest gift of all may be a renewed commitment to growing and tending our relationships.  

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You can listen to a Wellness Compass podcast episode that compliments this column by clicking on “podcast” in the header menu at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Paying Attention"

Paying Attention

People across the United States have been experiencing extreme winter weather lately. There have been tornadoes, heavy rains, bitter cold, ice storms, strong winds, and record snow storms. We know this as we have been running Zoom Wellness Circles lately with people living through all of these different types of weather. We have people from VA, WI, NY, CA, NC, OR, FL, MD, and UT in one we are running now, and everyone is talking about the challenging weather they are experiencing this winter.

One group member shared the quote, "If you choose not to find joy in the snow, you will have less joy in your life but still the same amount of snow." While this may seem a stretch if we are experiencing truly dangerous weather, we like the spirit of this quote. It fits with a quote that runs throughout our resources: "Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow."

If we give most of our attention to our complaints (weather or otherwise) our negative energy will grow. If we pay attention to what we are grateful for, to what brings us joy (including road crews, utility workers, first responders, and others who help restore services after a storm), that will grow as well.

Here are some other examples of paying attention and the results we can get:

If we pay attention and praise good behavior in a child, we will likely see more of that behavior.

If we pay attention to and appreciate someone's efforts to face a challenging situation, we may increase their self-confidence and commitment to keep working to overcome their challenge.

If we really pay attention to some habit we want to change, we will be more likely to make that change.

If we pay attention to the kindness of another, by expressing our gratitude and appreciation, we encourage more acts of kindness.

When we pay extra attention to someone we care about, we make them feel cared about, and we grow the relationship.

You can probably think of additional examples from your own life of how "What we pay attention to grows," and we encourage you to do so.

We also encourage you to test out the truth of this principle by making a concerted effort, in the days and weeks to come, to go out of your way, and to pay attention to something or someone in your life that you would like to enhance.

Give that part of your life more attention in the next few weeks and see what happens. Most likely, that area of your life will grow, no matter the weather.

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You can listen to a Wellness Compass podcast episode that compliments this column by clicking on “podcast” in the header menu at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"F.A.I.L.-A New Mindset"

F.A.I.L.-A New Mindset

We have been taking Spanish lessons for the last several years. There has been progress occasionally, but more often than not, it has been an ongoing lesson in humility. And as it turns out, this might be the most important lesson of all.

One of the biggest obstacles we have had to overcome is our desire to quickly “get it right.” Just as we begin to feel comfortable with a new milestone we have achieved, we are humbled once again as we take on a new topic. We especially struggle with speaking Spanish, and our teacher always encourages us to become more comfortable with “saying it wrong.” She says there is no other way to learn than to stop being so self-conscious about making mistakes and to try again.

Early in our learning journey, when we felt like we were failing, our teacher encouraged us to think of the word “FAIL” as an acronym for “First Attempt in Learning.” That has helped tremendously. We repeat that acronym often and have learned to apply it to many areas of our lives.

This acronym may be timely for you if you have set resolutions for yourself in the new year. Perhaps you are struggling with feeling that you have already failed, and could benefit from instead thinking of something you have tried to change in the last few weeks as a first attempt in learning. 

One thing we all learn when we try to change an old habit or start a new one is that change is almost always more complex than we imagine. This is true for individual changes and changes within relationships, families, and organizations. Our first attempts rarely succeed if we define success as achieving the complete change we desire. If, however, we reframe our first (and second, third, and more) attempts as opportunities to learn, we can keep our momentum to change moving forward. 

At the start of the year the two of us set an intention of eating more vegetarian meals. We admittedly have been uneven in our consistency so far. What we have learned, though, is that our default habit is to cook meat-based meals, as we don’t yet have much of a repertoire of vegetarian entries. We have always eaten lots of vegetables as side dishes, but not so much as entries. So, based on what we are learning, we are now collecting and trying some new recipes. We are measuring our progress so far not in terms of success or failure, but as an attempt in learning.

How about you? What first attempts in learning are you experiencing in your life right now?

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You can listen to a Wellness Compass podcast episode that compliments this column by clicking on “podcast” in the header menu at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"The New Elimination Diet"

The New Elimination Diet

We love inspiring quotes. We value them so highly that we invite participants in our six-week Wellness Circle programs to select and share a quote with their group, one that will serve as a guide or a “compass” for the goals they set for themselves in their circle. Some participants turn their quotes into bookmarks or put them on Post-it notes and stick them in places where they will see them regularly.

In that spirit, today, we are going to share one of the quotes one of our participants shared in a Wellness Circle a few months ago.

Here’s this week’s quote:

“The New Elimination Diet: Remove anger, regret, resentment, guilt, blame, and worry. Then watch your health and life improve.”

Charles Glassman, M.D.

Many approaches to dieting are grounded in shame and self-criticism, something we could never support. This quote, however, speaks of one approach to a diet we can get behind and one we wish to practice for ourselves.

Many of you wrote to us last week and thanked us for focusing on the importance of self-compassion as we set intentions for the new year. The quote above goes along with that way of thinking and invites us to let go of four things that relate directly to practicing self-compassion: regret, resentment, guilt, and blame. For us to eliminate these things does not mean that we don’t or that we shouldn’t feel them. The idea is not to get stuck in them, to let them go over time rather than letting them weigh us down, causing us to suffer one way or another.

The same can be said for anger and worry. There are healthy experiences and expressions of both of these emotions, as well as unhealthy ones. We can usually sense the difference. People often reach out to us when they know their anger or worry is excessive and/or they are feeling consumed by them. This is a healthy move on their part as they know that being unable to let certain emotions go will have a long-term negative effect on their life and health.

Our overall physical health and wellbeing are intricately intertwined with our emotions. It is wise for all of us to identify and practice eliminating emotions that could harm us. When we do this, we can all watch our health and life improve.

Do you have a quote that guides your wellbeing right now or your intentions for the new year? One you might put up on a sticky note and post on your mirror or laptop?

We would love to hear it—so we invite you to share it with us on our Wellness Compass Facebook page, where we also share this column each week.

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You can listen to a Wellness Compass podcast episode that compliments this column by clicking on “podcast” in the header menu at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Grounding Growth in Self-Compassion"

Grounding Growth in Self-Compassion

Why do you think so many New Year’s resolutions do not last? While acknowledging that there are many reasons that many don’t ever come to fruition, we want to focus on one particular reason we have seen frequently in our experience as family therapists. We believe that most attempts at behavior change fail because they are rooted in self-criticism rather than self-compassion.

Have you ever tried to change someone else’s behavior by constantly criticizing them? Maybe a child or teen? Or a partner, friend, or colleague? How did that work out? Probably not so well. It likely didn’t promote the change you were hoping for, and it likely damaged the relationship and the other person’s self-esteem as well.

This happens, too, when we try to change because we do not like some aspect of ourselves, as then our motivation to change comes through self-criticism. This also rarely works out, and it almost always makes us feel worse instead of making things better. Setting ourselves up to fail with New Year’s resolutions only adds to the cycle of self-criticism.

Our recommendation is to ground any desire for growth and change with a commitment to first increasing self-compassion. Gardners know that before they plant seeds, they must ensure the soil contains the proper nutrients. Good seeds planted in poor soil will not grow well, which is also why if our best intentions to change are rooted in the soil of self-criticism, they will rarely last.

Embrace imperfection. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend. Be gentle and patient with yourself. Practice gratitude. Celebrate all the ways in which you are already “enough.” And if you do want to make a change, be sure the change is an expression of self-care, not self-judgment.

Resolving to nurture greater self-compassion is a good idea for the first few days of January and every other day of the year.

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You can listen to a Wellness Compass podcast episode that compliments this column by clicking on “podcast” in the header menu at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"The Gift of Our Presence"

The Gift of Our Presence

Thank you for your presence this past year. With your help, the Wellness Compass Initiative and its partner, Living Compass, have reached many thousands of people this year. 

We are grateful for the individuals, couples, families, schools, and other non-profit organizations that use and share our resources with others. 

You make our initiative possible; the holidays are the perfect time to pause and acknowledge that. Each one of you is an integral part of our wellness movement.

Our entire team wishes you and yours the happiest of holidays.

Holly Hughes Stoner

Scott Stoner

Robbin Brent

Carolyn Karl

P.S. We recorded and released a new episode for the Wellness Compass podcast this week on the importance of giving the gift of our presence. If you want to listen, you can find it HERE.

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You can listen to a Wellness Compass podcast episode that compliments this column by clicking on “podcast” in the header menu at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"On the Necessity of Snow Angels"

On the Necessity of Snow Angels

In the spirit of simplicity during the holidays, rather than writing and sending a full column this week, we are sharing this beautiful poem by octogenarian Grace Butcher. It was shared with us recently, and we loved it. We invite you now to read it slowly and then reflect on how you might, as in the closing words of the poem say, "Keep walking toward the next beautiful thing that you will do.” 

On our Wellness Compass podcast this week, we share how this poem spoke to the two of us. If you are interested, you can listen on our website at www.wellnesscompass.org/podcast or in your favorite podcast app.

"On the Necessity of Snow Angels for the Well-Being of the World" by Grace Butcher

Wherever there is snow, I go, 

making angels along the way

Luckily angels have no gender 

and are easier to make

than you might think.

All you have to do is let go, 

fall on your back,

look up at the sky as if in prayer.

Move your arms like wings.

Move your legs to make a robe.

Rise carefully so as to do no harm, 

and walk away.

All the angels along the path behind you

will sparkle in sunlight, gleam under the stars.



In spring the angels will be invisible 

but really they are still there, 

their outlines remain on the earth

where you put them, 

waiting for you and the snow to return.

Keep walking,

towards the next beautiful thing 

you will do.

*A note about Grace Butcher from the web: Grace is a poet, writer, horsewoman, motorcyclist, actor, and runner, and is also the founder of Kent State University – Geauga's literary magazine The Listening Eye — which is still going strong more than half a century since its founding.

**And a special thank you to our friend Nancy Enderle for introducing us to this poem.

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You can listen to a Wellness Compass podcast episode that compliments this column by clicking on “podcast” in the header menu at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Tending, Bending, and Mending."

Tending, Mending, and Bending

I (Scott) was working with my physical therapist recently due to a running injury. While she commended me for being active, she gently pointed out that, based on her assessment, I needed to work on my flexibility. How did she know that I rarely, if ever, take time to stretch? Was it really that obvious to her? Yes, it was, and if I’m being honest with myself, I already knew that this was painfully, at times, true.

Flexibility also comes up often when we talk with families—especially this time of year. Few things are more critical during the holidays than our relationships, yet if we are not intentional, our relationships can often be a source of stress.

A key to both physical and relational wellbeing is flexibility. Just like my PT reminded me, if we don’t have a regular practice of stretching ourselves physically as well as emotionally we will become stiff and uncomfortable. The holidays usually give us plenty of opportunities to practice this.

Here are three rhyming words that are easy to remember and essential to growing and stretching our relationships: tending, mending, and bending.

Relationships need regular tending to grow and thrive. The holidays are a perfect time for tending relationships. We can send a card, call, or text to let others know we care about them. And when we have experienced hurt, or there is conflict in a relationship, this time of year can be a time to do some mending and repairing. Reaching out with words of apology or taking responsibility for our part can be the first step in repairing the relationship. And as already mentioned, bending is crucial to relationships. This time of year, this can include being flexible around plans and traditions.

Perhaps the best gift we can give one another for the holidays is a commitment to tend, mend, or bend in ways that will let the people who mean the most to us know just how important they are in our lives.

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You can listen to a Wellness Compass podcast episode that compliments this column by clicking on “podcast” in the header menu at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

Honoring All the Emotions of the Holidays"

Honoring All the Emotions of the Holidays

We decided over the last few days that we want our columns during the holiday season to be the very best ones we have ever written, ones that readers will remember forever. And if they don’t live up to that hope, they will all have been for naught.

There is no pressure with this expectation, right?

While this aspiration is, of course, tongue in cheek, we began today’s column by sharing it as we heard a commercial this week that included a phrase that seemed equally silly.  In the commercial a voice sang out, ”Make this the best holiday season ever—one they will never forget.” Again, there is no pressure with this expectation, right? From a wellness vantage point, though, the simple yet powerful suggestion in the ad seemed to be a set-up for holiday disappointment, one that completely ignores the complex emotions that most people feel during the holiday season.

The reality is that we experience the full range of emotions this time of year.  It is a time we can be acutely aware of any losses we have experienced, especially if this is the first holiday without a loved one. Financial pressures are common and can lead to high levels of stress. There are also the emotions that come from the temptation to compare ourselves to others who, based on their social media posts, seem to be having the “best holiday season ever.” Additionally, in the midst of the holidays this year, we are all experiencing the overwhelming suffering that is happening in the greater world right now, suffering that is breaking all of our hearts.

As marriage and family therapists, we are also aware of the importance of honoring emotions, including the ones that don’t fit the script of a feel-good holiday movie or commercial.

We have yet to hear a commercial with the following, so we will offer it here: "Make this a holiday season where you prioritize your wellbeing and the wellbeing of others. Focus on the spiritual meaning of the holidays and small expressions of kindness and compassion, and try not to let expectations (your own or other's) create undue pressure. Embrace, without judgment, whatever emotions you are feeling this year.”

The holidays can stir up the full range of our emotions. Let’s be sure to make space for ourselves and our relationships to honor them all.

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You can listen to a Wellness Compass podcast episode that compliments this column by clicking on “podcast” in the header menu at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Keeping Our Glasses Clean"

Keeping Our Glasses Clean

Small daily habits make a difference. For example, every morning, we both clean our glasses. It’s just something we do as part of our morning routine. Doing so allows us to see the world a little more clearly. If we miss a day, we probably won’t notice it that much, but if missing a day turned into missing a week, our view of things would undoubtedly become a bit clouded.

Practicing gratitude is like this. Practicing it each day allows us to see the world more clearly. Neglecting to do so over time clouds our vision, and we may wonder why the world looks a bit dull or dark.  

There are several ways we can practice an “attitude of gratitude.” Some people find it helpful to keep a regular gratitude journal. We have several friends who are doing this as a practice for the entire month of November. In honor of Thanksgiving being this month, they started on the first of the month by writing down and/or posting on social media three to five things for which they are grateful. Their practice deepens as they commit to not repeating anything the whole month, instead naming three to five new things each day. This discipline reminds them, and those of us who are seeing these daily posts, to notice and name the little things that happen each day that are so easy to take for granted.

As marriage and family therapists, we know how crucial it is to practice gratitude in our relationships with family, friends, and colleagues. Each expression of gratitude puts a little air in the tires of the person receiving our appreciation and enhances our connection as well. When relationships are distant or conflicted, all parties usually report that they no longer feel loved and appreciated by the other person. At some point, they realize that the lenses through which they view the other person have become clouded with hurt and resentment.  

It takes awareness and intention to begin to change this cycle, but it is possible. Often, the best way to start the change is to acknowledge one’s own part in the pattern.

Nurturing our spirituality is another way to enhance our practice of gratitude. All spiritual traditions focus on the importance of regularly offering gratitude for the many gifts of this life and of the created world.  

To focus on gratitude is not to ignore the incredible suffering of the world. In fact, a mature spirituality contains both the capacity to acknowledge and commit to the relief of suffering, and, at the same time, to committing to recognize and share gratitude.  

We are grateful to be able to take some time off starting next week, and so this column, and the podcast that accompanies it, will return right after Thanksgiving. Until then, let’s all work to keep our glasses clean so we can see all that we have to be grateful for.

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You can listen to a Wellness Compass podcast episode that compliments this column by clicking on “podcast” in the header menu at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Kindness is Your Super Power"

Kindness is Your Superpower

On a recent walk, we came across a sign that said, "Kindness is your superpower." The message was quite timely.

If you ever doubt the power of kindness, you can quickly become reassured of the difference it makes by trying it. Make an effort to say a kind word to someone today. You might call someone who could use a kind word, send an email, or text to someone who could use some encouragement. Or you could make a meal for a friend, help a neighbor with a chore, or volunteer your time to a cause that is important to you. Create some words or acts of kindness, and then notice the difference you make as you see the look of gratitude and joy in the other person's eyes. You will discover that kindness truly is your superpower.

This superpower can also be extended to ourselves. Self-compassion is sometimes the most challenging kind of compassion to express, as many of us are our own worst critics. So, when it comes to spreading kindness, remember to offer some to yourself, as well.

Random acts of kindness are also a great way to put positive energy into the world. Give up your seat for a stranger. Help a person carry their bags. Offer an unexpected compliment to someone. Let someone go ahead of you in line. Hold an elevator door for someone. Speak up for someone who is marginalized. Go for a walk and pick up any litter you encounter.

In a world where we can be anything, let's always remember to be kind.

If this column inspires you to do something kind, please visit our Facebook page (The Wellness Compass Initiative), where we also post this column and share your act of kindness in the comment section. You just might inspire someone else to activate their own superpower of kindness.

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You can listen to a Wellness Compass podcast episode that compliments this column by clicking on “podcast” in the header menu at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Curiosity and Wellbeing"

Curiosity and Wellbeing

Most likely, we have all had the experience of negatively judging someone else's behavior and then wholly changing our opinion after we later learned more about the context or background of the person and the behavior we had judged. Maybe we regarded someone as being rude for coming late or unprepared to a meeting, only to find out later that they are a caregiver for a loved one and are overwhelmed in ways that we had no idea about when we formed our opinion. When we are willing to slow our initial reactions long enough to be curious, we can often subsequently enhance the wellbeing of ourselves and others. 

Forming judgments is necessary, but creating conclusions prematurely and being unwilling to examine them over time is rarely helpful. Next time, for example, you discover someone has a different view than you have on an important issue, rather than immediately dismissing them, try being curious and ask them how they came to form their perspective. Ask what experiences in their lives and what people influenced their views. Ask whether they have consistently held that view or if their opinions have changed over their lifetime and why. The simple act of being curious will deepen the conversation and the relationship. You may still disagree in the end, but if you both share in this way, you will have a much fuller understanding of each other and how and why you view the world the ways you do. 

Last week, we wrote about "practicing the pause." Many of you responded by telling us how much you needed to be reminded of that essential practice. One of the benefits of pausing is that it provides the space for curiosity and civil discourse to occur.

As family therapists, we help families do this by creating space and time for pausing, allowing them to listen more deeply to each other. Empathy and curiosity can help break the cycle of hurt and judgment, granting a glimpse into the circumstances and experiences that have shaped another's viewpoint and behavior. 

Too often, changing one's mind is seen as a weakness. However, we view the capacity and openness to change one's mind with new information or new experiences as a strength. Scientists continually do this and thus revise their theories as they pause to learn more; we can evolve, too, by being open-minded and embracing curiosity. By remaining open and curious about ourselves and others, we can navigate the changes and challenges in our lives, fostering greater wellbeing and personal growth. 

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You can listen to a Wellness Compass podcast episode that compliments this column by clicking on “podcast” in the header menu at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Practice the Pause"

Practice the Pause

We tried a new format the last several weeks for this column, where we shared a transcript of our weekly podcast. We are committed to presenting you with an easy and helpful read, so as a result of some helpful feedback, we have decided to return to offering a weekly column once again. We hope you agree that this is a better resource for you. Thank you! You can listen to the 10-minute podcast episode on “Practice the Pause” by clicking on “Podcast” in the menu bar at the top of this page.

Practice the Pause

Have you ever sent a text message or email when you were upset, only to regret doing so? If so, you know firsthand how important it can be to remember to "practice the pause." 

The word we are focusing on in this week's column and podcast is “pause.” We like concentrating on a single word because that makes it easy for us to carry it with us throughout our week, reminding us to pause, reflect, and make more deliberate decisions.

This simple yet profound concept is at the core of enhancing well-being and making intentional choices in your life. We often stress the importance of "awareness" and "intention" in our work. However, these concepts are incomplete without the pivotal element of "pause."

We need to pause from our hectic life to reflect, much like sharpening an ax. If we're too busy chopping down trees (our daily tasks), we may easily forget to pause and sharpen our emotional, physical, spiritual, and relational well-being.

A pause is like a personal time-out, something parents sometimes try to teach children and something adults can embrace as well. It's about taking a moment to step back from a situation, take a deep breath, and choose our next steps deliberately. Whether we're making a decision about how to spend money, whether to watch a particular TV show, or whether to have another drink, pausing helps us make more thoughtful choices.

The Space Between Stimulus and Response

Viktor Frankl, a renowned psychiatrist and concentration camp survivor, wrote, "Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. And in our response lies our growth and our freedom." This quote perfectly encapsulates the essence of pausing. It's about finding that space, that pause, in order to make a choice instead of reacting mindlessly.

Pausing in Our Relationships

As marriage and family therapists, we work extensively with relationships. Pausing becomes crucial in preventing and managing emotional flooding, which is when people become reactive in highly charged situations. In emotionally flooded moments, people often escalate conflicts because they're not pausing to reflect and choose a better response.

Proactive and Preventative Pausing

Mindfulness, meditation, journaling, and gratitude are forms of "preventative" pausing that help us reset and center ourselves. Taking retreats or Sabbath time is essential for nurturing our spiritual and emotional well-being.

Physical wellness also benefits from pausing. It's about knowing when to take time for rest and recovery, whether we are an athlete or simply someone seeking a healthier lifestyle.

We encourage you to apply the concept of pausing to various aspects of your life. Incorporating a pause can make a profound difference, whether it's physical wellness, spirituality, emotional well-being, relationships, or even email and text communication. Remember to carry the word “pause” with you throughout the week, practice it, and watch how it enhances your well-being.

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You can listen to our podcast on this same topic by clicking oin “podcast” at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The LIving Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Living with Intention"

Living with Intention

What follows is a transcription of this week's 10-minute Wellness Compass podcast episode entitled, “Living with Intention.” We invite you to listen to this ten-minute episode by clicking HERE to listen to it on our website. (You can also listen in any podcast app, Apple, Google, Spotify, by searing for Wellness Compass--and be sure to subscribe.)

Listening gives the full experience of the emotions and tone of what is being said, which is difficult to capture in a transcription. The spoken word is different than the written word. We are happy to provide this transcript for those who prefer to read rather than listen.

Holly:  Welcome to the Wellness Compass podcast. I'm Holly Hughes Stoner, and I'm here today with my husband Scott. And we are the co-directors of the Wellness Compass Initiative. You can find out more at WellnessCompass.org. We create all kinds of materials, this podcast being one of those. The goal of all our resources is to help people become a little bit more aware and intentional as they live their lives, in the hopes that they can create greater wellness for themselves.

Scott: We are both marriage and family therapists and we have four decades of experience each, helping families and individuals in one capacity or another. We also have four decades of experience in our own marriage and our own family. And while we have a professional background, we really host this podcast and this whole initiative as fellow travelers.

We love talking about these topics because it gets us thinking about them too.

And so, as Holly said, our tagline is that we are here every week to help you navigate your life with awareness and intention. So we're going to talk about that second word today. Last week, in the previous episode, we talked about awareness. This week we will be talking and thinking about intention and how important that is in our lives.

And I'm going to share with you what might be a groaner, but I think it applies.

The next time, in your life, you find yourself in tension, it might be a good time to stop and reflect on your intentions.

One cause of tension in my life is when my actions, my choices, my patterns or habits are out of alignment with my intentions. So if I say I intend to get more rest, if I intend to spend more time with the most important people in my life, I intend to do a better job of budgeting my food intake or my finances, but then I don't do that I'm going to experience tension. This is because there is a discrepancy between my actions and my intention. So it's helpful to think about the importance of intention and how intention can help us understand tension.

As a therapist and coach, when I see people, in a sense, they're there, they're showing up, they're reaching out to us for help because they’ve ended up where they didn't intend to be. There's tension because they're experiencing something that is out of alignment with where they had hoped or intended to be.

Holly:  Right. We talked about awareness last week. And frankly, when somebody comes in, they are usually aware that there is some problem in their life, but they're not quite sure what to do about it. And they haven't set an intention yet, as to what they want to do differently going forward and they want to explore that.

They maybe know that their health isn't so great or they know that their relationship with someone in their family isn't so great. They may know something about their job is making them unhappy and they're bringing it home and complaining there, or whatever it is.

So their awareness is great, but then they have to start figuring out what they intend to differently going forward. “What am I going to do differently about it?”

As they figure out what to do differently they may also need to examine their intentions, and decide if they are serving the good in their life. Sometimes they'll say, “ I want to talk to my teenager and let them know who is who in this family.” This reaction might seem to serve well a little bit in the beginning, but it will  hurt that relationship in the long run.

We don't usually realize that we have these kind of underlying or hidden intentions, things like, “I'm going to get even, or I'm going to do this to protect myself, or I have to prove to them my point, because I am right.” Any of us can have some underlying intentions that's not so healthy. There are things that are kind of unspoken that can get in the way of our greater intentions.

Scott: That is always such a turning point when I'm working with any relationship, whether it's business consulting, or nonprofit consulting, or marriage or family counseling. When the both of the two parties that are in conflict realize, “Oh my gosh, I have I've not really been trying to resolve this conflict. I've been trying to win an argument. My real intention has been to score points. My intention has been to put the other person down, or demonize the other side. Actually my intention really hasn't been to resolve this, or to show up as my best self, and to work towards resolution.

So, right, sometimes we can get caught up in unintended intentions, we can get knocked off our true north, without even recognizing it. We talk about our values in my couple's work a lot. It's a good thing to really stop and examine them and then align your choices more with what your intentions are. You might wonder, “What are my true intentions here?” Am I really trying to better this relationship?” for instance.

That's really why we offer this whole initiative. It's why we offer this podcast, as it is a chance for us every week to pause and reflect on the choices we're making. It’s a chance to check our bearings and to be proactive.

Imagine if you owned a house and you chose to not do any of the maintenance on it because, you know, it was easier not to do that. You didn’t need to spend any money. It didn't take any of your Saturdays or your time, your evenings. And it would be like, “I’m not experiencing any tension. This is great.”

Well, of course we know what's going to happen. After X number of years, things are going to fall apart and all of a sudden you're going to have all of these crises, right? The gutters are falling off, the roofs leak, cracks in the foundations, whatever. And now you're going to have real tension because you never had the intention of being proactive about it.

The same is true in all wellness. You know, we have people reach out to us because their houses are falling apart or, you know, they realize it’s time to do some deferred maintenance. And we are glad to help people in this situation.

But you know, my favorite thing I would say is when I can help an individual, a couple, a family, or organization, not only patch up or repair the deferred maintenance, but then they learn from that experience and work to make a new maintenance plan.

They then create a preventative maintenance plan going forward, committing to do a regular check in and a regular check up. They commit to noticing as soon as tension is beginning to arise and addressing things early. They work to make sure their actions and their choices stay aligned with their intentions.

Holly:  Exactly. But some people even come in when they're not in a crisis, when they're in a good place, but they want to make sure that their wellness is growing, as a preventative measure.  They might set an intention, you'd say, “I am going to quit smoking so I can have a healthier life,” or “I'm going to call my brother, who I haven't talked to in a long time, because I want to create a more connected family,” or whatever. All those are preventative measures so that when or if something big comes along, you've a little bit some gas in your tank for the long ride ahead.

Scott:  I was at the farmer's market the other day and a person was sharing that they were so proud of themselves. They were really kind of celebrating that they had set a gardening intention for the first time. We live in Wisconsin in the northern climates, so we are well into fall now and gardens are starting to be a thing of the past this time of year. This person said she had set an intention this year for the first time to grow tomatoes, and she had done all the work through out the summer to care for them. She had bought the plants from this farmer at the farmer's market and had come back for more advice.

And she was just celebrating how proud she was that she had set an intention and that she had done the work to make the tomatoes plants so productive. And so this that's just an example of something someone intended to do, and now four or five months later, she was feeling so good about her accomplishment.

And, you know, in all of our materials and our wellness programs we help people set intentions in some area of their life, and then help them find the support they need to do the hard work to make the change happen. It is hard work to set a new intention and to create new habits. Habit formation, forming new habits, getting rid of old habits is difficult work.

And that's why our whole initiative exists, it is why we are here to support people and walk alongside people and give them resources and support.

Holly: And as we get close to the end of the show here, I just want to say I really like the word intention as it is a hopeful word. It's in the present moment like, “This is what I want. I intend to make such and such happen.” It gives you a roadmap like, “I have to do this to get it, to get there.” It's a future focused sort of word. You know, it means you're focused. It's, you know, “What do I want to make happen in my life, that's a little different from what's happening right now?”

Scott: We heard from a listener last week about how she used our word of the week, awareness. She said she really valued and benefited from kind of walking around with that word for the week.

Holly: Yeah, she said. “I put it on a piece of paper and  stuck it in my pocket. I walked around with that all week and I kept thinking about it “Awareness, awareness,” I kept noticing what was getting my attention.

Scott: Why not walk around with the word intention this week? Have the word intention in your mind and especially if you find any tension places in your life. Maybe pause and think about your intentions and what you might in the future focus on,  what you might want to be different.

We're so glad that you intended to listen to this podcast today, and we're so glad that you're here and hope you…..

Holly: ….intend to listen next week.

Scott: Yes, we hope you intend to listen next week and and might give us your feedback. Like us on our Facebook page Wellness Compass Initiative. If you listen in the podcast app, you can subscribe and please leave us a review. That would be great. Or email us through our website wellnesscompass.org.

Well, we intend to be with you again next week and we will look forward to that. Until then, may you be well, may you be happy, may you be healthy, and may you navigate the week ahead with intention.

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And speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. The LIving Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Awareness is a Cornerstone of Wellbeing"

Awareness is a Cornerstone of Wellbeing

What follows is a transcription of this week's 10-minute Wellness Compass podcast episode enttiled “Without a Compass, We Are More Likely to Get Lost.” We invite you to listen to this ten-minute episode by clicking HERE to listen to it on our website. (You can also listen in any podcast app, Apple, Google, Spotify, by searing for Wellness Compass--and be sure to subscribe.)

Listening gives the full experience of the emotions and tone of what is being said, which is difficult to capture in a transcription. The spoken word is different than the written word. We are happy to provide this transcript for those who prefer to read rather than listen.

Holly:  Welcome back to the Wellness Compass podcast. I am Holly Hughes Stoner, and I'm here with my husband, Scott Stoner. We're here each and every week to help all of us think about what we can do differently to help create greater well-being and happiness in our lives. Every week we choose a different concept. This week we're going to talk about "awareness" because we always lead off with this podcast saying we want to help people create greater awareness and intention in their life. But you might be wondering, "Awareness about what? What are you talking about?" So we're going to delve into that a little bit today and hopefully give everybody a little food for thought. 

Scott, do you want to go ahead and tell us what we mean by it? To help our listeners, I should say, talk about what awareness means to us, what we're talking about?

Scott: Hi, everyone. First of all, welcome to you if this is your first episode, we especially welcome you. But if you're a regular listener, welcome back to the journey that we're on. 

Now, back to your question. Maybe this is overstating it, but I think so much of wellness is based on, or begins with self-awareness because we can't change anything if we're not aware of the problem. I was trying to think of that expression when we often say, "Oh, gosh, I wasn't aware of that. I wasn't aware that you were going through that. I wasn't aware that this was happening. I wasn't aware of that. I had this, you know, something happening inside, but I wasn't aware, and now I have this health issue." 

It's usually not a good idea. I'm trying to think if anything positive ever flows from somebody saying they're not aware of something. Usually this is followed by, "Oh, I wish I had been more aware of that. If I had been more aware, I might have made a different decision. I might have responded differently."

 And so, with wellness, we invite people to enhance their self-awareness so that they can have greater control of their choices. You know, all of our images, obviously, because we're called the wellness compass, navigational. We like the idea of navigating. We say to use your compass to check your bearings and see if you're on the course that you want to be on in some area of wellness. And then, make a choice if you want to do something different or head in another direction. But it all starts with being aware of what you're experiencing and being able to just observe that. 

Holly:  And being aware, actually is a decision that you're making to be a little more aware, to not be on autopilot. I think a lot of us, we're not really paying attention to the choices we make each day in all eight areas of our life. It could be in our relationships, it could be in the way organize our finances. It could be anything. But we just kind of do it. We get in a habit of having a certain way of operating that may be, or may not be serving ourselves well. So being aware is actually just observing. It's not judging. It's not being critical of.

Scott:  I think that is so key because I think when we talk about being more self-aware, the first thought often is to bring judgment or criticisms upon themselves. 

Holly: It is, it's all, it's usually very judgmental. It's like people think they should look for good or bad. Am I doing a good job at this or bad job at this or that? Looking for flaws isn't really very helpful. 

What is helpful is when you can just observe. You might say, "When I'm sad, I go out and spend money." That's just an observation. It's not a judgment at all. It's just like I notice this or that about myself or I notice that when I'm afraid, I cry or I avoid such and such. It's just a pure observation. No judgment involved. 

Scott:  Or for me, not to stereotype, but for me, certainly as a man, for me, when I am sad, it often comes out as criticism or negative energy or anger, when what I'm really feeling is sadness. So just to observe that is helpful. If I'm unaware of that, then I'm missing the deeper insight that I'm actually feeling scared or sad or vulnerable, something that's going to require a different choice for me, a different response. 

You may know I've used the image many times of The Wizard of Oz. The Wizard of Oz was really quite scared and insecure, but we never realized this until the curtain got pulled back. Then everyone realized he had been manifesting all this puffed up kind of anger and, command and control or power. 

Holly:  I like what I think you just said. Or maybe this was just in my mind. You said that you could miss an "opportunity" if you're not aware of the fact that you, for instance, always go shopping on Saturday because you're lonely or something. You go and do something that's not productive when you are lonely. You pull away or whatever you do. 

If you're aware of it, though, you may say, "Oh my gosh, I need to go do something else other than just going out and spending money or eating or whatever you do in response to those feelings. When you are aware then you can make a choice, a different choice, like you know, "I need to call a friend. Maybe we can go do something together because what I'm really feeling is lonely, and I need company. 

Scott:  You use the word response several times. I think that's the key. I think that's what awareness gives us. It increases our capacity to be able to respond rather than react. 

When I'm in my reactive self. I'm often not aware of it, except the next day. Right? Who amongst us hasn't said, "Oh gosh, I regret what I said or didn't say, or how I acted or the choice I made last night, last week." See, that's our observing self. That's the more self aware self. We have a reactive self, we have an experiencing self, and we have an observing self. So strengthening that observing self and shortening that time between our reactive self and our responsive self is a key to wellness, I think. 

Holly:  Sometimes, I'll hear a couple or two people at least talking about something that happened. Maybe they've been drinking too much or something and they've done or said something, and then the next day or week they're feeling regret. Then they may realize, "Actually, we had been drinking. That was part of what was going on. I wonder why we were doing that?" This can lead to a deeper conversation.  

So it's just being aware and observing, "Oh, when I drink I do such and such, which in retrospect I don't like." That is observing the situation. Just being aware can create a space, space to begin to make a change in how people either interact, or how they think about themselves, or think about their lives. It really puts them in more control, so that they can make choices about how they want to live their life. 

Scott: That's the key. That's the key to our whole Wellness Compass initiative. It's the whole key to this podcast. Again, we speak as fellow travelers here, sure we have some years and actually decades of experience of helping people, but we are also on this journey. That's really what we do. I mean, we create a space, whether we're doing therapy, whether we're doing coaching or simply creating a space where people can become more aware.

We're so privileged to do this work because the people that are coming into our space are seeking greater self-awareness. If you wanted to become a better swimmer, or a better tennis player, or a better musician, you might hire a coach, someone to help you become more aware of things you're doing or not doing that are impeding your ability to be a better swimmer, or a better tennis player. 

And so if you want to show up differently as a parent or as a spouse or just in your own life, you put yourself in that vulnerable space of being willing to learn and change. There's great vulnerability in awareness. That's why we want to create safe spaces in everything we do. Everything we do in our Wellness Compass Initiative is to invite people to more awareness in a space that is loving and kind and never shame based or judgment based.

Holly:  Right. We're very good as a culture, it seems very good at evaluating somebody else or a situation. But sometimes when we think about evaluating ourselves, that's sort of scary because we tend to be critical. People tend to be kind of critical of themselves. But we encourage you, as you're observing yourself, also notice your strengths.

Scott:  Glad you said that because so often in coaching, that's what we're looking for. I often say in a coaching session, "Do you realize that when you just started talking about that, or that person, or this activity, or this desire, this wish, your whole face lit up? You just came to life and all of a sudden the energy in the whole room shifted?"

Holly: So you're helping them observe themselves, helping them see that whatever you are talking about excites them. 

Scott:  That's blowing on the spark. So be aware of where your challenges are and maybe where things are hard, but also be aware of the the things that are beautiful in your life, things that you want more of, the things you're grateful for, the sparks in your life that you want to blow more on. 

Holly:  I like that. 

Scott:  We are honored to be on this journey towards wholeness and oneness with you, and Holly, thank you for choosing this topic of awareness today. It is, you know, something that is so integral to everything we do that sometimes we forget to really unpack it. 

So we hope this discussion has been helpful for you, in helping you to become more aware of maybe something that you want to pay more attention to. Either because it's something you want to change, or some spark of energy and vitality you want to blow on. 

Stay in touch with us through The Wellness Compass Initiative Facebook page. Anything else? Did I leave something out?

Holly:  Our emails. 

Scott:  Yes, absolutely, at WellnessCompass.org, that is Holly or Scott at WellnessCompass.org.  

So until we gather again next week here on the Wellness Compass podcast… 

May you be well, may you be happy, and may you live with greater awareness.

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And speaking of podcasts, Scott has launched a new podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. This newly launched LIving Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Be Brave Enough to Take the Initiative"

Be Brave Enough to Take the Initiavie

What follows is a transcription of this week's 10-minute Wellness Compass podcast episode enttiled “Without a Compass, We Are More Likely to Get Lost.” We invite you to listen to this ten-minute episode by clicking HERE to listen to it on our website. (You can also listen in any podcast app, Apple, Google, Spotify, by searing for Wellness Compass--and be sure to subscribe.)

Listening gives the full experience of the emotions and tone of what is being said, which is difficult to capture in a transcription. The spoken word is different than the written word. We are happy to provide this transcript for those who prefer to read rather than listen.

Holly: Welcome back to the The Wellness Compass podcast. My name is Holly Hughes Stoner and I'm here today with my husband, Scott Stoner. We are both marriage and family therapists and we spend our time both in our offices and working on this Wellness Compass Initiative. Our goal is to help people make choices and changes in their lives that will help them create more well-being for themselves.

Scott: This podcast is part of the overall Wellness Compass Initiative, and it is a non-profit initiative that has been around since 2008, and we were fortunate to reach tens of thousands of people.  You can learn about us on our Facebook page, The Wellness Compass Initiative.

And yes, we're talking about initiative today, as it is our word for the week. Not our initiative so much, but helping people initiate positive and proactive changes for themselves. Or in their relationships, their families, or even their organizations. And you know it's as easy as that, and as hard as that, as initiating change is difficult.

So we're going to talk today about some of the things that people  can do when trying to initiate a change of some sort. We have a four step process that we have learned through the years and in our professional training.  We’re going to go through four stages or four steps that will guide you when there's a change that you want to initiate, one that will maximize your chances of that change being successful. What's the first step?

Holly: Well, let me tell you all four of them and then we'll delve in. The first one is to engage, and then focus, evoke, and finally plan.

Scott: Say that again. What are the four steps?

Holly: Engage, focus, evoke and plan.

So the first one, engage, means you have to engage with the problem. You have to acknowledge it. You have to recognize it. You have to become aware of it. We have this self-assessment on our website that a lot of people use, and that really helps them recognize an area of life they think needs more of their attention. Then they say,  “Oh, that's something I might want to change.”

Scott: I love that you point out that we have to acknowledge that there is a change that we want to make. You need to engage it, and how you engage it is also important. We have strived to make all of our materials around change strength based, and love based, and based on self-compassion. So it's important that when we identify what change we want to initiate, we do it with self-compassion, and with love, and positive energy.

Think about it in a relationship. When you want to engage in a conversation or make a change in a relationship, if you lead with criticism and anger, sure, you're engaging the challenge that you have, but you're pretty much dooming the initiative from the from the beginning.  If you engage it instead with love, understanding, compassion, and forgiveness, we have a much greater chance of being successful.

Okay. So, the first thing to do is to engage the change we want to make, to acknowledge there's a change we need to make and want to make, and we decide that we want to do it.

Holly: Or we can think of that aspect of our life as a part of  our garden we haven't been tending to and now I'm going to change that. Then you're talking about your relationship to the problem like this,  “I just haven't been paying attention to it yet.  I recognize that I haven't been watering this part of my life. I'm going to change that.”

Scott: And in just doing that, it's going to begin to change the process. We also want to make sure we want to engage it from the inside out, not because everybody's telling us we should do this or that.

Holly: You have to have some desire yourself.

Scott: So engaging is first, next is focusing.

Holly: So you might say,  I don't take care of myself very well. I want to change that. Well, that's not going to help because it’s not focused.

Scott:  So why is it not going to help?

Holly: Well, it's just too big. I mean, from listening to that statement, does a person not sleep well? Do they not eat well? Do they never get up and move? But focusing it is narrowing it down. What specifically are they doing and not doing to care for their body?

Or think about these examples. What specifically is their concern about their finances? What is the concern about a relationship? If we focus in on it, what would we say is the core problem?

Scott: A common question we ask in our counseling/coaching practices and in our Wellness Circle programs is,  “What's one thing I can do this week?” That's a focusing question. People that are listeners to this podcast know that I struggle with organization, organizing my time, my stuff, and so I need to focus all the time. I need to say, “Okay, I'm going to clean my desk. I'm going to organize my email inbox. I'm going to organize my calendar for this week.” Focusing up-close on organization will make me much more likely to be successful  than my merely saying, “ I need to get more organized.”

Holly: That general kind of thing is not really helpful. Yeah, people have to focus in on exactly what is the problem and what  they need to do differently. Now, our third step is evoke.

Scott: What does evoke mean in this context?

Holly: To, you know, kind of pull towards yourself, you evoke it, kind of pulling an idea into your mind. It's also goes with inspiring in my mind, you know, like what about this change I’m considering inspires me? Why would I even want to do this? I mean, what's the end goal?

Scott:  What’s your why?

Holly: What’s your why? That's a great way of saying it. Because any change actually requires a lot of work. It maybe doesn't seem like it would be, but just organizing your stuff or your finances or whatever it is is going to take a lot of intention, and awareness, and work. And so you've got to be inspired to do this. And so to evoke the reason for putting forth the effort is important.

Scott: Exactly, because that that's what we're going to hold on to when making the change gets hard. Even changes that we want and that we choose and that we are initiating. Changes have a way of getting hard. For example, I might want to be closer in my relationships. I might want to resolve conflict that is holding me, all of us, back from being our best. Or I might want to get a better sense of my finances so that I can I can save for some things that are that are really important to me.

Holly: Or so I can sleep at night.

Scott: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So evoking is really important. Yeah. And then what's the last step?

Holly: The last thing you can do is to plan. Now is the time to plan. This means literally naming what you want to do. You plan for action. I mean, literally, what are what am I going to do? For example, “I’m going to call my friend who plays paddle and she loves it. She's made all kinds of new friends. That might be the thing that I might want to do this week to enhance my rest and play. That would help me have more fun, meet new people, if that's the thing I'm trying to do. I’m going to call her and find out more about it.” Planning literally means planning something concrete.

And you also need to plan for support when you are trying to make some sort of a change. Support really does help because there will be ups and downs and forwards and backwards. So you're going to need support from someone else.

Scott: Another thing we need to plan for is turbulence. If you've flown recently, any time really, you know, that sometimes the captain or the steward comes on the speaker and says, “You just need to know there's going to be some turbulence about 20 minutes into the flight or 20 minutes from now. It looks like we're going to be in some turbulence for a few minutes.” So now you know what's coming and then when it comes you say, “Oh, yeah, they predicted this.” I notice with a warning that I don't feel so anxious about it.

So plan for your own turbulence, as change is disruptive. That's why change is hard, and is why taking initiative is hard. And staying with it is hard. So part of the planning is knowing that this is not going to be a linear process. This is not going to be a straight up every day kind of a thing. You’re going to make progress but it's not going to be easy. It's going to be challenging.

You know, we're family therapists, so we talk about, you know, families making changes. You know, somebody comes in and talks about the fact that they want to make a change in the way dinner is done or the way maybe screen time is managed. They know they’re gonna get a lot of rolling eyes, they are probably going to get a lot of resistance when initiating these changes. They are not going to get, “Yes. We're so happy about this change. We love change.”  And you know giving up bad habits or making changes is difficult.

So that's why you said we need to plan for support. We need to plan for disruptions, for turbulence, for kind of a back and forth process at times, and then work to normalize it.

And so these four steps (engaging, focusing, evoking, and planning) are important to remember as you go through changing something. Whether we name them exactly like this or not, they're throughout all models of change They will help you if you're in the midst of a change, or if there's a change that you're wanting to make. They will help you take initiative.

Holly: Yeah, that's our word for the week, initiative. I really like this because it's, it's what gets things going. It's like if you've been sitting on the seat thinking, “Maybe I should make a change.” The initiative part is like, “Okay, now I'm going to get up and I'm going to do something concrete.” Initiative is where it starts. I mean, if you don't take initiative, nothing will change. So it's an exciting word to me.

Scott: Thank you for that summary again. Part of planning is planning for imperfection, because one of the barriers to initiating change, is that we want it to, you know, just be perfect. We want it to go exactly the way we think it's going to go. But it’s important to remember that instead it’s really progress, not perfection.

We engage, we focus, we evolve, and we plan. And then we do it all over again. It's a cycle that we keep going through, learning all the time.

Holly: That’s a very important point.

Scott: We’re so honored to be on this journey with you. Again, we speak out of our expertise, and as fellow travelers. Thanks for joining us on The Wellness Compass podcast this week. You can be in touch with us through our website or on our Facebook page, The Wellness Compass Initiative. And until we gather again, may be healthy, you may be happy and may you feel a little more confident in initiating change for yourself, for your relationships, your family, or your organization.

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And speaking of podcasts, Scott has launched a new podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. This newly launched LIving Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Without a Compass, We Are More Likely to Get Lost"

Without a Compass, We Are More Likely to Get Lost

What follows is a transcription of this week's 10-minute Wellness Compass podcast episode enttiled “Without a Compass, We Are More Likely to Get Lost.” We invite you to listen to this ten-minute episode by clicking HERE to listen to it on our website. (You can also listen in any podcast app, Apple, Google, Spotify, by searing for Wellness Compass--and be sure to subscribe.)

Listening gives the full experience of the emotions and tone of what is being said, which is difficult to capture in a transcription. The spoken word is different than the written word. We are happy to provide this transcript for those who prefer to read rather than listen.

Scott:  Welcome back to the Wellness Compass podcast. My name is Scott Stoner, and you'll be hearing from Holly, my partner in life and work, in just a moment. This is episode three of season three, Episode 79 since we started this podcast, if you're keeping score at home. We’re here each and every week to help you navigate the week ahead with greater awareness and greater intention, which is one of our main objectives for the larger Wellness Compass Initiative and in our work as marriage and family therapists.

Learn more about our other offerings at wellnesscompass.org. This year during each episode we're choosing a word to build the episode around. And Holly, what is that word for this week and why do we choose it?

Holly:  Well, it's compass. Last week we did wellness.  We thought it made sense as that's the name of our podcast, Wellness Compass. So we thought we'd kind of explain what we think about when we refer to a compass.

I decided I wanted to look up a little bit about the history of compasses because I like history. And my research reveals that it's still considered one of the greatest technological advances in the history of humankind! Apparently long ago, thousands and thousands of years ago, people were getting lost every time it was foggy, or it was windy and raining, and people couldn't see the landmarks. People would get lost and out at sea and they'd end up in places where they had not planned on going at all.

So in about the 11th or 12th century in China, somebody figured out that they could use a magnetic spoon placed in a bowl of water, and it would always point the same direction. Eventually they figured out a way to use this a navigational tool.  This compass could be used to help them know which way they were headed, even in the fog and rain. And it really changed everything.

If you know anything about world history, you know, right around that time is when a lot of important discoveries were being made. And this one was a huge one as it helped explorers and travelers everywhere to navigate their way more efficiently.

But we're not really interested in ancient navigation tools. What we're interested in is tools that help us navigate our lives today. And so when we talk about Compass, we're talking about the compasses we have available to us that help us decide where we're going, so that we don't get lost along the way as well. And one of the main things that we consider or think of as a compass is our core values, because those help us figure out which way to go.

Scott: Our core values are like our true north, right? Yeah, True North doesn't change. If I'm out in the wilderness and I have a compass and I know I want to go, let's say east. My compass will help me identify the direction I need to head, but it won't give me the path. I'm going to have to start walking in the path and I may come up against a river. I may come up against a cliff, and I'm going to have to maybe go south for a little bit and then, you know, go around it until I'm going east again. But east doesn't change and  north doesn't change. The compass gives me my direction but I've got to figure out how to make my path. So our core values are like that, they help us identify which direction to go.

I think of it, for example, being applicable in family life. Being  marriage and family therapists we work with lots with couples and families around communication and having difficult conversations. As an example, if someone needs to have an important conversation with someone they love and care about, you know, or let's say there's a conflict and let's say there’s, been some injury or some misunderstanding, we need to be reminded of our compass, of our core values as a to orient ourselves in that conversation.

My core values are things like love and compassion, humility, forgiveness. Those are my core values. And if I can keep those in mind they will guide me on the path and will guide how I approach the conversation. If I don't keep those in mind, I may get hooked and I may all of a sudden be acting out, or fall into defending my ego. I may want to score points and to be right.

Those are not my core values, to defend my ego and to be right or to put another person down. That's not my best self. Certainly that's my reactive self. That's my injured self. That's my emotionally flooded self. So our compasses or values, function you know, as guides for us. As you were saying before, in the ancient days, the storms would come in bringing fog and clouds, people couldn't use the stars, they couldn't use their landmarks and they would get lost. Once the compass was invented though, they had help even in those stormy conditions. And that's the same with our core values, when stormy things are going on in their lives, when there's change, when there's loss, our core values can help us determine which way to go.

Now, I just want to say quickly that also the word compass is in the word encompass. It can also mean to surround like a circle. In our Wellness Compass Model of  Well-being, we encompass eight areas of wellness. If you go on our website and look at our compass and our eight areas of wellness, you'll see it as a holistic all encompassing approach. So we're really using both meanings of compass. Our tools and our resources help you navigate your journey of wholeness and wellness. And we encompass a holistic approach of eight areas of wellness.

Holly: You know, I was thinking when we were talking about the landmarks, about a conversation I had recently with two women who are recent widows, and they were saying that it feels like there are no landmarks for them to orient themselves. Their children are grown up, their spouses are not there, and they are retired so they don't quite know where to live. They know the homes they're living in currently aren’t really suited for just one person, but they don't know where to go. I talk to other people where there's an illness of their own, or a child is sick or something. They're just people who are not sure where to turn. You've heard that phrase,  “I'm not sure where to turn? Which direction should I go? What should I do?”

And so these women were trying to slow themselves down a little bit and think about, “What's most important to me at this point in my life?” In other words, what’s their compass? What are their values that will help them decide?

You know, they both agreed they wanted to be stay in the local area, but even then there was a lot of uncertainty about exactly where to go and what should they do with their time. And so their values were coming up. The things that they really cared about were the things that they were going to start spending their time on.

So, you know, I am talking about these ancient navigators, which is fine. It's interesting to me, but we are all kind of without a compass a birth. You come into life, you grow up and then often you don't know exactly where you're supposed to go. Eventually we figure out our skills and talents and passions. Those things can help us figure out where to go and what kind of life we want to create.

Scott: And for those individuals and for me, for any of us, when we do have big life changes it, it can be overwhelming. When that happens one of the things that's important to come back to is, again, our core values, our true North, because that doesn't change. What what has changed is how we express that. So if a core values are love and community and connection, and then we lose a spouse or we lose a relationship or someone moves away, we lose a dear friend, lose a job, we must try to nurture those things in new ways

I remember working with a man who had retired and he was feeling a sense of being lost because his work had been so important to him. He began to realize that one of the things he loved most about his work was mentoring younger people. You see, as he achieved some seniority in his field, he did a lot of mentoring. That gave him the clue about what he wanted to do in retirement. He decided he would find some volunteer opportunities that would allow him to still be a mentor, but in a different way. So he got involved in a local after school program, helping students with homework and reading. This man’s core values didn't change, but how he expressed them did.  Our direction is always changing and determining where we are going is an ongoing journey.

And sometime we have to along the journey see if we are still letting our values guide us and leading us in the right direction and if not  recalculate our route. Sometimes we get off track, but our core values can help us to recalculate how we want to get back on track.

Holly: I was going to say the other thing besides our core values are  our core passions. You know, what are the things that we're kind of good at? Everybody's got different gifts. Everybody has different things that are really interesting to them, things that they might want to do more of. So it's core values your passions and talents. What can you contribute or do in the now that might help you find your way through the times of fog and and rainy days.

Scott: I love that core values as well as core passions are important compasses. That is so very true.

We are so honored to be on this journey of wholeness with you all. Even though we have some expertise and decades of experience, we're also fellow travelers trying to continue to use our core values as our compass, and to the practice the same thing we're teaching here,  navigating our lives with awareness and intention.

Again, you can reach out to us on our Facebook page, just search for Wellness Compass and our website is wellnesscompass.org and you can email us there as well.

Until we gather again, may you be healthy, may you be happy, may you be clear about your compass and how it can help you navigate your journey of wholeness and wellness.

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And speaking of podcasts, Scott has launched a new podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. This newly launched LIving Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.