"Transcending the Limits of Either-Or Thinking" October 10, 2025

Transcending the Limits of Either-Or Thinking

In our counseling practices, we often hear clients express their struggles in absolute terms. “I’m either a complete success or a total failure.” “My relationship is either perfect or it’s over.” “I’m either productive or I’m lazy.” This pattern, known as either-or thinking, can significantly impact our emotional, relational, and spiritual well-being. Here are four Wellness Compass points about this cognitive trap and how to move beyond it.

1. Either-Or Thinking Creates Unnecessary Distress

When we force ourselves, others, and situations into rigid categories, we set ourselves up for suffering. A single mistake can become evidence of complete incompetence. One disagreement with a partner can signal doom for the relationship. A rest day means we’ve lost all discipline. This binary lens intensifies anxiety and depression, creating a constant state of evaluation where we’re perpetually sorting experiences into “good” or “bad” boxes. The most significant problem with this thinking is that it creates little room for the messy, complicated middle ground where most of life actually happens.

2. Notice Absolute Language

We often talk with our clients about the importance of awareness and intention. The first step toward change is awareness. When we catch ourselves thinking in extremes, we can pause and ask: “What else might be true here?” A disappointing work presentation doesn’t make us incompetent; it makes us someone who had an off day and is still learning. We can be frustrated with someone we love, and still love them deeply. We can allow ourselves to remain open to learning about a key issue, and not view it as a weakness if we change our minds as we gain more knowledge and experience. 

3. Recognize That Growth Happens in the Gray Zone

Chances are that we have all experienced a time when we made a change or decision and later changed our mind. If we are locked into either-or thinking, we might lose the flexibility to change our minds or admit that we were wrong. The “gray zone” is the space between polar opposites. The gray zone is often where we remain open to learning and growing, where we are neither wholly lost nor fully arrived. This is actually where the most meaningful growth occurs. Accepting this reality helps us remain patient and curious, rather than judgmental, during the learning process.

4. Embrace Paradox and “Both-And” Awareness

Life is full of contradictions, and holding multiple truths simultaneously is a sign of psychological maturity, not weakness. You can feel grateful for what you have while still wanting things to improve. You can be both anxious and hopeful, tired and committed, imperfect and amazing, confused and clear, vulnerable and strong. The goal is, of course, not to eliminate all either-or thinking but to recognize when that kind of thinking is limiting us. By expanding our perspective to include the vast spectrum between extremes, we create space for self-compassion, new insights, resilience, and a more authentic relationship with ourselves and others.

 Questions for Making it Personal

1. Can you identify a recent time when you were caught up in either-or thinking that was limiting for you or your relationship with someone?

2. If you affirmatively answered question one, what steps can you take to soften that either-or thinking? What might you replace it with?

3. How comfortable are you with the concept of being in the gray zone—the place where you are still learning and growing? Are you willing to acknowledge when you don’t know something or when you were wrong about something?

If you want to hear more about our thoughts on this topic, listen to this week’s 10-12 minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page. In this week’s episode you will learn about a unique new way you can interact with the Wellness Compass Podcast that includes recording an audio message that might appear on a future episode.

Speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast, which is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about: the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Four Quotes to Inspire Us From Dr. Jane Goodall," October 3, 2025

A Few Things We Can Learn From Dr. Jane Goodall

Each of our four Wellness Compass Points this week is a quote from scientist Dr. Jane Goodall, who passed away this week at the age of ninety-one. She will be remembered for many things, but probably most often for the way her scientific curiosity and her work with chimpanzees in the forests of Gombe remind us of the interconnectedness of all life. As therapists who think and practice systemically, we are especially grateful for her teachings about how all of life is an interconnected web and that every action we take in the world has a profound impact on all beings. 

1. “The greatest danger to our future is apathy.”

“Am I really making a positive difference in the world?” is a question that any of us may ask ourselves from time to time. There is a lot that needs our attention in our personal and collective lives, and it is easy to feel overwhelmed. The opposite of apathy is hope—not naive optimism, but a disciplined choice to keep showing up as a force for good in the world. 

2. “Lasting change is a series of compromises. And compromise is all right, as long as your values don’t change.”

Too often, compromise is viewed as a sign of weakness.  Remembering that we are all interconnected with all other living organisms helps us realize that compromise is always necessary to achieve the greater good. There is almost always more that unites than divides us. Note that her quote does not ask us to compromise our core values, but to hold true to them with kindness, humility, and respect. None of us possesses all the wisdom. 

3. “What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.”

During the pandemic, we wrote about how the question wasn’t Are we contagious?” but rather “What are we contagious with?” Our emotional and spiritual energy is always contagious to those we interact with—either positively or negatively. We all make a difference —the question is, “What kind of difference do we want to make in the world?”.

4. “You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you. What you do makes a difference.”

Here, Dr. Goodall reminds us always to be aware of the impact our actions and words have on ourselves and those around us. This quote brings to mind two quotes from our Wellness Compass Initiative: “The grass is greener where you water it,” and “Whatever we pay attention to, is what will grow.”

Three Questions for Making It Personal

1. Does one of these quotes particularly speak to you? If so, why, and what might you do to put the wisdom of that quote into action?

2. Do you struggle with apathy? If so, what’s one thing you can do to help you recover a sense of hope? 

3. Is there a situation in your life right now where an openness to compromise might serve the greater good?

If you want to hear more about our thoughts on this topic, listen to this week’s 10-12 minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page. In this week’s episode you will learn about a unique new way you can interact with the Wellness Compass Podcast that includes recording an audio message that might appear on a future episode.

Speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast, which is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about: the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Wellness Wisdom for Everyone from the Twelve Steps: Celebrating Recovery Month," September 26, 2025

Wellness Wisdom for Everyone from the Twelve Steps: Celebrating Recovery Month

In recognition of September being National Recovery Month, we are pleased to share four Wellness Compass Points that offer wellness wisdom for everyone, drawing on the traditions of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-Step recovery groups.

Four Wellness Compass Points & Three Questions

1. Whether dealing with addiction, excessive worrying, perfectionism, or any self-limiting set of behaviors, the wisdom of the Twelve Steps teaches us that some challenges cannot be solved alone. Actually, the first step towards making change is acknowledging our need for help from others and from our spirituality. 

2. The practice of daily self-reflection and honest accountability, central to the Steps, can transform any area of life by helping us recognize harmful patterns, before they spiral, and then to celebrate progress as it happens.

3. Making direct amends for our mistakes reminds us that true healing comes through changed actions and the rebuilding of trust, not just good intentions or words.

4. The principle of service to others who face similar struggles (Step #12) reveals a fundamental truth about human nature – that we often find our deepest sense of purpose and most successful recovery when we focus on lifting up those who are facing similar challenges.

3 Questions to Make This Personal

If you or someone you know is in recovery, what broader life lessons have you learned form them or have they modeled for you?

Is there a change you want to make that would benefit from the  support of others?

If so, how will you find this support?

If you want to hear more about our thoughts on this topic, listen to this week’s 10-12 minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page. In this week’s episode you will learn about a unique new way you can interact with the Wellness Compass Podcast that includes recording an audio message that might appear on a future episode.

Speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast, which is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about: the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Emotional Flooding: Four Compass Points & Three Questions," September 19, 2025

Emotional Flooding

Four Wellness Compass Points

and Three Questions

Psychologist and author John Gottman describes emotional flooding as “a sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed during conflict, making it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.”

Here are Four Compass Points to help guide us when this happens.

1. Everyone gets emotionally flooded from time to time, so it's essential to recognize the warning signs when this is happening to us. Pay attention to physical cues like rapid heartbeat, shallow breathing, muscle tension, or feeling hot. Notice emotional signs like racing thoughts, difficulty concentrating, or the urge to react, retaliate, or get even. When you catch these early signals, you can intervene before reaching full emotional overwhelm. Remember that emotional flooding is a natural response to powerful feelings, stress, or trauma—it's not a sign of weakness.

2. Hit the pause button. While we can't always control when our emotions take over, we do have the choice to pause rather than react. When we feel intensity building, we can stop and slow down. We don't have to immediately say what we are thinking or feeling—or send that email, or create that social media post. We can pause by taking a walk, sleeping on it, talking with others, or spending time doing whatever helps us to calm down. 

3. Take responsibility for yourself, rather than blaming others. A classic response of a young child when they have done something they regret is, "but they did it first!" Let's be more mature than that. If someone throws a lit match at us, we are responsible for any gasoline inside of us that leads to an explosion. While someone else may have done something that triggers our emotional flooding, we are responsible for how we handle ourselves at that moment.

4. Saying, "I'm sorry," can be an expression of strength. Impulsive reactions while we are flooded do not come from a place of strength, and yet they happen. Apologizing and making amends when we have said or done things we regret is a sign of strength and a commitment to our ongoing emotional growth.

Making This Personal: 3 Questions

Just as a compass helps us to check our bearings and see if we are on the course we intend, these questions invite us to make these thoughts about emotional flooding personal for each of us. 

1. Have you recently experienced emotional flooding? 

2. If so, how satisfied are you with how you handled it? 

3. Is there anything you learned from your recent experience, or from these four Compass Points, that you want to put into practice going forward? 

If you want to hear more about our thoughts on this topic, listen to this week’s 10-12 minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page. In this week’s episode you will learn about a unique new way you can interact with the Wellness Compass Podcast that includes recording an audio message that might appear on a future episode.

Speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast, which is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about: the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Navigating Transitions," September 12, 2025

Navigating Transitions

Welcome back to season five of the Wellness Compass Column and Podcast. We are glad to be back with you. 

Fall is a time of transitions, and we have one of our own to share with you regarding the structure of this column. Just as a compass has four points, our new format will feature four essential points of wisdom each week on a different wellness or mental health topic. We think you will find this new structure easier to remember and more practical for application in your life. What remains the same is our mission of our overall non-profit Wellness Compass Initiative, now in its eighteenth year: to enhance mental health and resilience in individuals, families, schools, organizations, and communities. As always, we welcome your feedback and suggestions for future topics you would like to see addressed. 

And speaking of transitions, our first column and podcast for this season offers four points for navigating transitions with greater awareness and intention. Whether you or someone else is navigating the transition of being back in the school routine, or any of a myriad of other changes —such as a job change, a move, coping with loss or a death, adjusting to a new health reality, or a change in a relationship —we hope you find these four points helpful. 

Four Points for Navigating a Transition

1. Normalize and accept the feelings of vulnerability and uncertainty that come with transitions--our own and others. The bigger the change, the deeper the feelings, and the longer the adjustment will take. Don't rush the process of adapting to the change or loss.

2. Relationships tend to be tender during transitions. Resist acting out or projecting your feelings onto others when you are in the midst of change. 

3. Small daily practices, such as morning routines, regular exercise, mindfulness/meditation, and consistent sleep schedules, can provide stability and comfort when life feels uncertain or in flux.

4. Seeking support from friends, family, and professionals during transitions is a sign of strength, as they can help you process emotions and gain perspective.

Making It Personal

Do any of these points speak to you regarding a transition you are navigating? If so, what might you want to do in the near future to make your transition easier for you?

Do you know someone who is in the midst of a transition that could use your support? How specifically could you support them?

If you want to hear more about our thoughts on this topic, listen to this week’s 10-12 minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page. In this week’s episode you will learn about a unique new way you can interact with the Wellness Compass Podcast that includes recording an audio message that might appear on a future episode.

Speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast, which is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about: the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"ASAP: As Slow As Possible," May 23, 2025

ASAP: As Slow As Possible

As we prepare to transition to summer, many people look forward to two things: more time outdoors and a slower rhythm of life. If you are a regular reader/listener of our weekly column and podcast, you know we take a break from producing this content between Memorial Day and Labor Day. We do this so that we, too, can spend more time outdoors and live our lives at a slower pace.

When we recently came across several creative versions of the well-known phrase ASAP (see box above), we posted them on our refrigerator to serve as a compass for how we intend to enjoy this coming summer. All of these are reminders that there is more to life than hurrying. And we have been fun creating our own versions, too.

In our fast-paced, always "on" world, hurrying is seen by some as a badge of honor. Many of us rush from task to task, conversation to conversation, rarely pausing to breathe, let alone reflect. While we may equate speed with productivity and importance, this culture of constant motion comes at a cost—one that takes a toll on our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being.

There is an excellent quote that also appears on our refrigerator door.  "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." The quote is often attributed to Lao-tzu's ancient book Tao Te Ching, or Book of the Way,  but we have seen it attributed to other sources, too. No matter the source, the wisdom is a good reminder for us all as we transition to the rhythms of summer. 

And let's not confuse slowness with laziness. Slowing down is an intentional choice in the midst of a culture addicted to urgency. It's one thing we can do to reclaim our wellness, our spirit, and our lives.

We invite you to consider alternatives to the familiar ASAP that might guide your rhythm this summer as we have been doing. One idea we came up with is to make this summer a time to"Allow Space And Pause," which is precisely what we will be doing with pausing our column and podcast over the coming months. And as we take a break until September, we wish you all a wonderful summer, a summer where you might…

Align Summer Aspirations Purposefully

Adjust Slowly Allowing Peace

Admire Summer’s Awesomeness Plentifully

Anchor Summer Adventures Peacefully

Appreciate Summer Abundance Playfully

Awaken Summer Adventure Passion

Activate Summer Aliveness Practices

….."And Similarly Add Phrases" to our list. In other words, feel free to play with and create your own wisdom version of ASAP.

If you want to hear more about our thoughts on this topic, listen to this week’s 10-minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page.

Speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast, which is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about: the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Let’s Normalize Conversations with One Another about Our Mental Health," May 16, 2025

Let’s Normalize Conversations with One Another

about Our Mental Health

You may have heard that May is Mental Health Awareness Month. In honor of that, we thought it would be helpful to offer two simple yet powerful ways we can all help reduce the stigma of talking about mental health.

Suggestion One: Let’s normalize talking about our emotional pain, just like we do with physical pain.
Feeling sad or anxious during a difficult time in life is as natural as feeling pain in our back or knee due to aging or injury. And yet, for many people, it’s much easier to talk about physical pain.

Do you often apologize when you break down crying when talking with someone? That might be because you internalized a message that it’s not okay to share sadness and vulnerability with others.

When we share emotional pain with others, it becomes a little easier to bear—just like we might feel relief when we talk about a physical ailment.

Suggestion Two: Let’s normalize listening when someone opens up about an emotional challenge.
When someone shares that they’re feeling down or on edge, and we respond with silence or quickly change the subject, they may end up feeling even more isolated. Instead, we can show care by staying present, asking gentle questions, and offering our full attention. Listening deeply helps others feel seen and supported.

It wasn’t that long ago that people avoided talking about cancer. The “C word” was often spoken in whispers, adding shame and loneliness to an already difficult experience. Thankfully, that has changed—talking openly about cancer is now common, and support is readily available.

This May, let’s take another step forward. Let’s all do our part to normalize open conversations about mental health—starting by talking honestly about our own experiences and by listening compassionately to others.

On this week podcast Holly talks about her mother dying of breast cancer when she was young and how it’s been hard to find people that are comfortable talking with her about what she experienced. , Listen to this week’s 10-minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page.

Speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast, which is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about: the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"The Wisdom of Momisms," May 9, 2025

The Wisdom of Momisms

It's been a few years since we shared some of the wise advice that mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and other women we have all been blessed to know have shared with us throughout our lives. We call these wise, pithy sayings Momisms. 

Here are a few of our favorites, and because this is a wellness column, we also share ways these words of advice apply to various aspects of well-being.

"I'm not interested in who started it!" The wisdom here is that a lot of time and energy is often wasted in trying to figure out "who started it." Who hasn't spent more time arguing with someone about who started a problem than they have spent on resolving it? Focusing on "who started it" is one way of playing the "blame game," and is rarely helpful. You don't need to figure out who started a problem at work or home to be part of the solution.

"If you keep making that face, one of these days it will freeze that way!" This Momism contains some great wellness insights. The first is that the behaviors we choose, over time, become habits, and habits always have consequences. It is important, then, to carefully observe the habits we are forming. The second insight of this Momism has to do with the way we treat others. If I am regularly in a hurry and don't take time to be kind to people, at some point their opinion of me will "freeze." They may well come to believe that I am a person who is self-absorbed or unkind. We all form opinions of others based on their behaviors, and it is easy for those opinions to become frozen and difficult to change, even if the person's behaviors actually do change at some point.

"This moment is fleeting in the overall scheme of things." Our emotional and spiritual wellness is enhanced when we remember two things. First, it is wise to seek to live in the present moment, and second, any current struggle we may have is more bearable when we place it in the context of life's larger time frame.

"Take care of a goldfish, and then you can get a dog." It's important to start small when taking on any new challenge or responsibility. New habits and big goals are realized in small steps. For example, develop a regular habit of walking before you try to run your first 5K, or take a class on a subject before deciding on that major.

"I don't care what everybody else is doing; you are not everybody else!" Another version of this is "just because everyone else is jumping off a cliff, doesn't mean that you should, too." Both ideas are meant to encourage us to dare to think for ourselves and to remember that going along with the crowd is not always the best decision.

"The best way to have a friend is to be one." All relationships are important and must be cared for and nurtured to stay strong and healthy. We reap what we sow in relationships. This reminds us of the importance of sharing our appreciation and gratitude with others, as that is what builds and strengthens relationships.

"Please call me when you get there, so I will know you have arrived safely." This statement is a sweet expression of love and concern, although when we were young, we might have rolled our eyes, thinking that our mom was annoying and trying to control us. The wellness principle here is that it makes a positive difference to have others around us who are concerned for our well-being and to care for others as well.

As we pause to celebrate all mothers this weekend, may we also give thanks for the wisdom they, along with other influential women in our lives, have taught us over the years.

If you want to hear more about our thoughts on this topic, listen to this week’s 10-minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page.

Speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast, which is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about: the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Lessons Learned From a Mindfulness Jar," May 2, 2025

Lessons Learned From a Mindfulness Jar

We both have mindfulness jars on our desks and use them regularly in our coaching practices. And Holly used to use hers in her previous career as a grade school teacher. They are helpful in so many situations. And you can easily make one for yourself—do a quick online search, and you will find many suggestions. 

If the concept of a mindfulness jar is new to you, here's a short description. A mindfulness jar is a clear jar (like a Ball jar, for example) that is filled with water, a small amount of clear glue, and glitter. The glue is added to create enough viscosity so that when the jar is shaken, the glitter stays suspended in the liquid for a short time. Then, gradually, within a minute or so, the glitter slowly settles back to the bottom of the jar. 

If you want to see one in action, watch this 90-second video demonstration by clicking HERE. 

We find ourselves using our mindfulness jars frequently to make some important points. Here are five of the lessons we teach.

1.  It is normal for all of us to find our "jars" shaken up. Life has a way of doing that to us. It could be the news of the day, a harsh word from a friend, colleague, or family member, or even a curt text or email. 

2.  The jars are like our minds. When our minds are settled, we can see and think much more clearly. When our jars are shaken up, just the opposite is true. It is impossible to see, think, or act clearly.  And it is best to wait until things settle. 

3.  Learning to pause and not react when our jars are jostled gives us the time and space we need to calm down. When we are calm, we can choose a much more helpful response rather than a churned-up reaction.

4.  Learn not to judge your jar or mind when it is stirred up. It happens to everyone. Simply observe and accept it as normal and give it the space and time it needs to calm down.

5.  The benefit of learning a few mindfulness practices (meditation, journaling, prayer practices, contemplative walking, yoga, breathing exercises, etc.) is that we will have the practiced tools on hand to calm and recenter ourselves more quickly.  In fact, doing these practices proactively will help us every day be less vulnerable to getting hijacked by our emotions. 

Elvis Presley may have had great success with the number-one hit  "I'm All Shook Up," but for the rest of us, it's something we will rarely, if ever, profit from. We will, however, benefit from learning and accepting the signs of when we are all shook up, and then using some centering practices, maybe even a mindfulness jar,  to calm ourselves down before reacting. 

If you want to hear more about our thoughts on this topic, listen to this week’s 10-minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page.

Speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast, which is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about: the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Wellness Begins with We," April 18, 2025

Wellness Begins with We

Passover and Easter overlap again this year, allowing us to reflect on the power of these celebrations for hundreds of millions of people worldwide.  The celebrations connected to these holy days, as with the celebrations of all religious holy days, are grounded in bringing people together. While individual beliefs and practices are important, the gathering of community is primary, a practice as old as human civilization.

And it's not just true of religious celebrations. We see this same emphasis on community in all kinds of celebrations—graduations, funerals, weddings, and public holidays, to name a few. All of these various community gatherings are essential to our well-being.

There is a clever way to remember the strong connection between community and well-being. Notice that the word "Wellness" begins with "We." Some have even noted that when the letter "I" in "Illness" is replaced with "We," the word becomes Wellness. 

American culture has long celebrated the importance of individualism. Too often, though, this focus on a strong sense of "I" is presented as somehow separate or even in opposition to the importance of a strong "We." The fact is they are always interconnected. Healthy individuals are essential to healthy communities, and healthy communities are critical to strong individual well-being. 

Many experts are writing today about a growing sense of isolation and loneliness in our culture and how this is becoming a public health issue.  COVID contributed to this, but the problem began long before the pandemic.  Robert Putnam was one of the first to bring this to our attention with his groundbreaking book, "Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revitalization of American Community," written in 2000. Focusing on the trend of Americans who are bowling alone or just one or two others, rather than in leagues as was done in the past, he wrote that the erosion of communal life has seriously affected both public and individual health. 

With this in mind, may we all remember that whatever our plans may include this week—whether it be celebrating Passover, Easter, or bowling— let's make sure to prioritize strengthening our bonds with others. Doing so will contribute to both our own well-being, and that of the people with whom we gather.

*We will be taking some time off next week and so this column will return in two weeks.

If you want to hear more about our thoughts on this topic, listen to this week’s 10-minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page.

Speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast, which is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about: the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Well Connected," April 4, 2025

Well Connected

We recently came across an extended quote from Albert Einstein that we would like to share with you today.

“A human being is a part of the whole, called by us the ‘Universe,’ a part limited in time and space. We experience ourselves, our thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest — a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. 

This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole nature in its beauty. 

Nobody is able to achieve this completely, but the striving for such achievement is in itself a part of the liberation and a foundation for inner security.”

As we reflect on the connection of Einstein’s words to wellness, the focus of this column, we are aware that a foundation of our wellness is acknowledging our deep inter-dependency with all people, and with all of creation. Certainly, the contagion of the COVID virus was a clear reminder of just how interconnected we all are.

Imagine a mobile hanging from a ceiling over a baby’s crib. If someone were to jiggle one piece of the mobile all the other pieces would also jiggle, even though you weren’t directly moving them. Why? Because they are all interconnected. 

As family therapists, we often observe this when a family member faces a crisis or challenge. The person facing the challenge is clearly distressed, but soon, those who are closely connected to the person will also feel distressed. It also works the other way. When one person in a family, team, or group feels centered and joyous, that can also radiate out to those with whom they are connected. 

Our deep inter-connectedness, as the intellectual icon Albert Einstein so eloquently explained, is a gift. When we remember it and nourish it regularly, not only do we benefit, but so does everyone with whom we are connected. 

If you want to hear more about our thoughts on this topic, listen to this week’s 10-minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page.

Speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast, which is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about: the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"The Benefits of Turning Over the Soil," March 28, 2025

The Benefits of Turning Over the Soil

Wisconsin is known for it many Rails to Trails bike paths. Converting former rail lines to bike trails gives a safe (and flat) way to explore the countryside on two wheels. We ride these trails regularly and were delighted to get out for our first ride of the year this week.  

Wisconsin is also known for its abundant and fertile farmland. On our ride, we saw many farmers on their tractors plowing and turning over their soil as they prepared for planting season. 

And because we love to think in metaphors, we both agreed that turning over the soil from time to time is a great practice in relationships, too. All relationships—couples, families, and friendships can benefit from turning over the soil to prepare for new growth.  

Just as soil can become compacted, making it difficult for seeds to take root and thrive, in the same way, relationships can settle into patterns that, while familiar, may not always be healthy or life-giving. Unspoken resentments, unresolved conflicts, or simply the busyness of life can harden the ground between two people. Turning over the soil of a relationship means being willing to address these hardened areas, having open conversations, and being intentional about creating space for both honesty and vulnerability.

One way to do this is through regular check-ins. Just as a farmer regularly inspects the soil for signs of dryness or depletion, couples, friends, or family members can do the same. Are there areas of tension that need attention? Are there needs that have going unspoken or unmet? Asking these questions and listening with an open heart can help break up the hard ground and make room for renewal.

At other times, the soil of our lives and our relationships get turned over not by choice, but because some kind of storm occurs. These are scary times, and the times people most often reach out to us as therapists.  But while these unbidden storms can create turmoil in the short run, they can also be opportunities for new growth.  

We have a saying about relationships that captures how important they are to our wellbeing: "Few things affect the quality of our lives more than the quality of our relationships." While we are not farmers, we imagine that the same can be said about the role of preparing and tending the soil in determining the quality of crops. And it would seem that in both, turning over the soil from time to time keeps things healthy and growing.  

If you want to hear more about our thoughts on this topic, listen to this week’s 10-minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page.

Speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast, which is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about: the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Hope Springs Eternal," March 21, 2025

Hope Springs Eternal

Yesterday marked the first day of spring.  In Wisconsin, where we live, it was more a day of hope than one of actual warmth. As we watched two determined golfers tee off on a course still dusted with snow, we couldn’t help but think of the timeless words of English poet Alexander Pope, written in 1733: “Hope springs eternal in the human breast.” His words capture the enduring optimism that keeps us looking ahead, whether to the promise of blooming flowers or simply a snow-free round of golf.

This same spirit of hope is evident in another beloved springtime tradition: the NCAA College Basketball Tournaments for Men and Women. March Madness is in full swing, bringing with it the excitement of one hundred thirty-six teams (sixty-eight Men’s teams and sixty-eight Women’s teams) battling for a national championship. Players and fans alike embrace the exhilarating uncertainty, filling out their brackets in the hopes of predicting the tournament’s twists and turns. Millions take part in this annual ritual, eagerly guessing the outcomes of each of the games.

The odds of completing a perfect bracket—accurately predicting every single game—are an astonishing 9.2 quintillion to one. To put that into perspective, do you know how long 9.2 quintillion seconds adds up to? 100 years? 1,000 years? The correct answer is 292 billion years! And yet, despite those odds, hopeful fans enter the fray, trusting their instincts, crunching statistics, and making bold predictions—or if you are like the two of us, wild guesses. But just as quickly as hope rises, reality sets in. Unexpected upsets—known as “bracket busters”—shatter expectations, leaving participants to wonder what went wrong. With each surprising outcome, we are reminded that hope, though resilient, often requires renewal.

In many ways, sports serve as a mirror for life. Just as we faithfully fill out our brackets with expectations of success, we also approach life’s adventures—new jobs, relationships, and personal goals—hoping for clear paths and predictable outcomes. But life, like basketball, is full of surprises. Our “brackets” of carefully laid plans don’t always hold up. Unexpected challenges arise, and our best predictions fall apart. Yet, just as the teams continue to play, giving their all despite the knowledge that only one will ultimately emerge victorious, we, too, carry on.

Sixty-seven of the sixty-eight teams in both tournaments will end their season with a loss. But does that stop them from playing with heart, determination, and the belief that anything is possible? Of course not. Their love of the game and the belief that hope springs eternal keep them pushing forward. And in that, we find a powerful lesson: life isn’t about perfect predictions or avoiding failure—it’s about showing up, playing with passion, and embracing each moment, regardless of the outcome.

So, as we navigate both the unpredictability of March Madness and the uncertainties of life, we take inspiration from the athletes who give their all, even when the odds are against them. Let’s keep showing up, not because we can predict or control the future, but because we love participating in the journey. And because, no matter what, hope will always spring eternal.

If you want to hear more about our thoughts on this topic, listen to this week’s 10-minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page.

Speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast, which is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about: the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Making Time for Joy," March 14, 2025

Making Time for Joy

We both started music lessons a few weeks ago for instruments that are new for each of us. Holly is taking ukulele lessons, and Scott is taking bluegrass fiddle lessons. We had been saying we were going to do this for a long time, and now that we are enjoying it so much, we wonder why we waited so long. Making time for the lessons and practicing has reminded us how much fun making music is and how much joy it is bringing us. 

The semi-annual practice of having just changed our clocks has once again offered all of us an excellent opportunity to reflect on how we use our time. As we shifted our clocks forward, it reminded us to also consider other shifts we might want to make regarding our time.

Much like evaluating our finances—deciding how to spend, save, or share our money—considering how we spend our time can also be a meaningful practice. Taking a moment to assess how we are using our time need not be a negative experience; instead, it's a chance to recognize what's working well and where we might want to shift. That's what we did when we realized we wanted to spend less time doing passive activities and instead prioritize time learning to play new instruments. We shifted our attention and how we spend part of our time each day and week.

Sometimes, life can feel unacceptably busy, leaving little room for relaxation and peace. Other times, we may feel like we have an abundance of time on our hands but struggle to use it meaningfully. In either case, pausing to reflect on how we choose to spend our time can be valuable.

Instead of judging ourselves, we find that one simple question can be particularly helpful: "What is one thing that you could shift by spending more or less time doing this week, something that would bring you joy?"

Take a moment to ask yourself this question with kindness and curiosity. If an answer comes to mind, embrace it and take a step toward realigning your time with what truly matters to you. For us, that means making more time for the fun of music in our lives. What might it be for you?

If you want to hear more about our thoughts on this topic, listen to this week’s 10-minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page.

Speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast, which is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about: the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Are We There Yet?" March 7, 2025

Are We There Yet?

Everyone who has traveled on a long-distance road trip with children will get the same question at some point, as a tired voice from the backseat asks, "Are we there yet?"  

We live in Wisconsin and are known to ask similar questions related to the coming of spring. One day the sun is out and gradually melts all the snow left on the ground. A few days later, the temperatures drop twenty-five degrees, and a fresh arrival of new snow comes down, covering the ground again. When it comes to spring, we become impatient and want to know, "Are we there yet?

We just concluded another round of Wellness Circles online. Wellness Circles are our core six-week small group program that we created many years ago to bring people together to identify an area of wellness they want to enhance, and then support one another in making the desired changes that have been identified.

A few of the kinds of things people want to work in a wellness circle include:

I want to reconnect with my child as we haven't been getting along.

I want to find a new job.

I want to be more physically active.

I want to have a difficult conversation that I have been avoiding with someone close to me. 

I want to create a better work/life balance. 

Inevitably, about halfway through the six-week Wellness Circle, participants commonly become impatient with the progress they are making.  Like the children on the road trip, and with the weather here in Wisconsin, we want to know, "Are we there yet?" "Why is it taking soooooo long?!"

Change always takes longer than we wish. We get tired of waiting and quickly become impatient. And change, like the weather, is not a linear process.

No matter what our intentions are, we always learn in a Wellness Circle that it is important to be patient with ourselves and give ourselves grace. If we are not careful, we can turn our impatience in on ourselves or direct it out toward others. Wellness Circle participants often discover how much easier it is to extend compassion and patience to others than to themselves.

We were sharing our idea for this column with a friend, and she told us that whenever she and her brother would ask her parents the road trip question, "Are we there yet?" her parents would offer this response: "No, we are not there yet, but we will surely get there when we get there." She said that as a child, that answer always frustrated her, but now, as an adult, she has come to realize that this is the best answer of all—for children and any of us who are becoming impatient with change. 

So, remember the next time that you or someone else asks, "Are we there yet? or, "When will we get there?” You can simply respond, "No, not yet, but we will surely get there when we get there." 

If you want to hear more about our thoughts on this topic, listen to this week’s 10-minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page.

Speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast, which is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about: the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"The Stories We Tell Ourselves," Feb 28, 2025

The Stories We Tell Ourselve

Human beings are natural storytellers. This weekend, the Oscars will celebrate the gifted storytellers who have shared their stories through film this year. This column is about wellness, not movie reviews (although we both loved A Complete Unknown), so we would like to reflect on storytelling from a mental health perspective. 

Have you ever found yourself convinced that someone was upset with you, only to later find out that they weren’t? Or maybe you assumed that a situation would go terribly wrong, only for it to turn out just fine? These are examples of the stories we make up in our heads—stories that shape our emotions, decisions, and even our reality, even when they aren’t actually true.

Our minds are meaning-making machines. This is especially true when we are dealing with uncertainty. That’s when we are more likely to try to fill in the blanks, creating explanations that help us make sense of our experiences. The problem is that these explanations—the stories we create—are sometimes based on assumptions, past experiences, or fears rather than actual facts.

For example, a friend doesn’t text us back right away, so we create a story that they are upset with us. We receive an email and ascribe a tone to it that we actually don’t know is accurate or not. A friend or loved one is late to meet us for coffee and we create the assumption they don’t really want to spend time with us. A colleague is distracted when talking with us, and we assume they are not interested in what we are saying.

The problem with creating stories that are not true is that we often start acting as if they are true.  If we assume someone is angry with us, we may begin to act defensive, distant, or even resentful. In response, they may become confused or frustrated, reinforcing our belief that they are, in fact, upset. This is how our made-up stories can actually become self-fulfilling prophecies.

When I, Holly, was a high school teacher, I often heard students say, they would never be good at a certain subject. This sometimes caused them to not even try, which then re-enforced their beliefs.

I, Scott, was recently talking with a colleague who was yawning constantly. At one point I simply asked, “Is what I’m saying boring you?” They immediately apologized and said that they had been up most of the previous night with their sick child. If I hadn’t checked out my assumption, I might have concluded that I needed to think twice about sharing my thoughts with this person. 

 The stories we tell ourselves shape our emotions, relationships, and overall wellbeing. The key is to first become more aware of them and reflect on whether they are actually true or not. It is always best to check out our assumptions.

So next time you catch yourself creating an internal storyline, pause, take a breath, and ask: Is this really true? Then, you might take the additional step of checking out any assumptions you are making. You might not get public recognition like the stars at the Oscars for doing this, but you will surely strengthen your relationships with others.

If you want to hear more about our thoughts on this topic, listen to this week’s 10-minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page.

Speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast, which is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about: the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Just Bring Yourself," Feb 21, 2025

Just Bring Yourself

Recently, someone invited us to dinner and, when we asked what we could bring, they replied, "Just bring yourself." That simple phrase stuck with us, not only because of its graciousness but also because of the deeper wisdom it holds.

In a world that often pressures us to do more, be more, and prove our worth through our achievements or contributions, it is nice to be reminded that our presence alone is enough. "Just bring yourself" is an invitation to show up authentically, without pretense, without the need to impress or perform. It’s a reminder that who we are, at our core, is valuable and welcomed.

Authenticity is one of the greatest gifts we can offer in any relationship. When we show up as our true selves—vulnerabilities and all—we create deeper connections and invite others to do the same. Healthy relationships are built not on perfection but on presence. When we are real with one another, we cultivate trust and intimacy, creating spaces where we and others can feel seen and accepted.

Too often, we hesitate to show up fully as ourselves out of fear that we are not enough. We may feel pressure to hide our insecurities, or to present a polished version of our lives. But true connections happen not from what we do or bring, but from simply being who we are and allowing others to do the same.

In our work as marriage and family therapists, we have seen how transformational it can be when people allow themselves to be fully present. Whether in a marriage, a friendship, or a community, relationships thrive when we show up with honesty and openness rather than trying to curate a perfect image.  We are all so much more than the images we see or even share on social media.

Likewise, when we offer this same kind of acceptance to others—welcoming them just as they are—we create a ripple effect of kindness and belonging. This kind of radical hospitality affirms that each person is enough, just as they are, without conditions or expectations.

Next time you receive an invitation—whether to a dinner, a conversation, or a new opportunity—remember that the most meaningful thing you can bring is yourself. You are enough. Just bring yourself.

If you want to hear more about our thoughts on this topic, listen to this week’s 10-minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page.

Speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast, which is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about: the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Some Advice Teens Gave Us About Mental Health, Love, and Valentine’s Day," Feb 14, 2025

Some Advice Teens Gave Us About Mental Health,

Love, and Valentine’s Day

This Tuesday, I, Holly, had the privilege of spending my day in a combined Middle and High School (Turner MS/HS in Beloit, WI) for their annual Mental Health Awareness Day. During this Valentine’s week, everyone school-wide had set the day aside to focus on supporting student mental health by engaging in several different relaxing activities, engaging in group discussions on related topics, listening to speakers, and getting acquainted with all kinds of resources and organizations that work to support mental health in their area, Rock County, WI.  I was one of those people as I was there to represent our nonprofit Wellness Compass Initiative.

Throughout the day, I had the opportunity to speak with most of the young people (ages 12 -18) and had the honor of listening to their concerns and desires, and meeting their friends.  I also told them about this column and the corresponding Wellness Compass podcast. As a bit of research for our column, I asked them this important question: “What kinds of things would you like me to tell the adults who listen to our podcast about  what they can do to support teen mental health?” 

Here are some of their answers:

Don’t be so judgmental.

Share stories of the mistakes you made when you were young.

Consider how you sound to others.  Bossy? Controlling? 

    Freaking Out? Supportive?

Don’t force things on us, like clubs, activities, and beliefs. Feel free to share your beliefs, but don’t force them on us.

Laugh and have fun with us.

Don’t say it’s just a phase. It is important to us now.

Encourage us.

You can say what you need to say without being mean about it. 

Check in with us on a regular basis by asking, “Are you OK?” And then really listen to what we are feeling.

Do things with us, like playing sports, hiking, and playing video games.

Honor our thoughts and opinions.

Don’t jump to conclusions.

Give us hugs.

Don’t make decisions for us.

Take interest in our interests.

Talk with us, not at us - fewer lectures and more listening, please.

As they spoke, I realized that what they were sharing with me could  be applied to any relationships that we value and care about. So, on Tuesday, out of the mouths of our young people came their suggestions for staying connected and supporting the mental health of all those we love. How appropriate for right before Valentine’s Day.

Their honest words are a good reminder for each of us as we consider how to express our love to all the important people in our lives this Valentine’s Day. 

Which of their suggestions could you give as a gift to someone on this special day?

If you want to hear more about our thoughts on this topic, listen to this week’s 10-minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page.

Speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast, which is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about: the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Rooting for Ourselves," February 7, 2025

Rooting for Ourselves

There is so much in the world that needs our love and attention. It is easy to become overwhelmed. No one has enough time or energy to root for or get involved in all the good causes that need our attention and support. So it may be counterintuitive to advocate rooting for one additional thing on top of all the other pulls we may be feeling, but we need to add one more person to our list to root for--and that's ourselves.

We are thinking of two different meanings of rooting. First, we need to be advocates for ourselves. We need to tame the inner critic and be the number one cheerleader and encourager of ourselves. Second, we need to be like trees and cultivate deep inner roots to anchor us when the storms of challenging times come. 

Rooting for ourselves is an essential act of self-care, self-love, and personal growth. It is about standing in our own corner, believing in our own worth, and nurturing our own well-being. If a tree wants to grow more branches of support, it must also expand its root system to sustain its growth.

You know best what helps you feel encouraged—what fills your cup so you have something to pour from. You also know what drains your cup—perhaps it's how you speak to yourself, how busy you are, how much movement you get, and how much rest you get.

You also know what helps nurture your spiritual roots- what grounds you in challenging times. It might include meditation, time in nature, prayer, a deeper connection with a spiritual community, spiritual reading, or taking sabbath time to rest. 

The goal of self-care is not to become self-centered. The goal is to become a centered self. When we take the time to nurture our own growth and become more centered, we show up more fully in our relationships, our work, and our communities.

If you want to hear more about our thoughts on this topic, listen to this week’s 10-minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page.

Speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast, which is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about: the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

"Handling Our Emotions So They Don't Handle Us," January 31, 2025

Handling Our Emotions So They Don't Handle Us

Have you ever had one of those moments where your emotions just take over, and suddenly, you can’t think straight or say what you actually mean? If you are like us, the answer is an obvious yes. There is a name for that experience of when our emotions hijack our brains and bodies—it’s called emotional flooding—it’s when feelings like anger, fear, or anxiety hit so hard that your brain basically short-circuits. It happens to all of us, especially during conflicts, stressful situations, and even when we are just having a really bad day.

As therapists, we see emotional flooding all the time, and as we have said, we experience it at times ourselves. Learning to recognize when we are flooded is key to handling those feelings when they occur. 

Emotional flooding happens when our brain goes into survival mode. Our amygdala—the part of your brain that reacts to threats—takes over, and our rational thinking takes a backseat, which is why it’s hard to think logically or respond calmly. While it is easy to identify examples of emotional flooding in young children or adolescents, it is wise to remember that it happens to all of us from time to time.  

When we feel emotionally overwhelmed, we may experience any or all of these symptoms: brain fog, rapid heart rate, shallow breath, a terrible “pit in our stomach,” racing thoughts, or extreme anger or anxiety. 

Merely stopping and recognizing when we feel overwhelmed helps us better manage ourselves in that moment.  Rather than blaming someone else and “flying off the handle” (a phrase that originated to describe when an axe head comes loose and flies off its handle), when we can recognize what is going on inside of us, we are better able to stop ourselves, and thus avoid causing damage to a relationship.  When we feel overwhelmed by our emotions in a relationship with someone, the best thing we can do is call a “time out” for ourselves.  This is an example of the parenting strategy of “counting to ten” when they are feeling angry with a child.  When parents feel ready to say or do something they are likely to regret, they calm themselves down while they count to ten. Here are other things that help. 

1. Meditation or simply slowing down and taking several deep breaths. 

2. Doing something physical—working out or going for a walk, for example.  

3. Using “I” statements rather than accusing. “I am feeling overwhelmed right now and want to take a break so I can come back later and discuss this when I can think more clearly,” is far more helpful than “You are the one that is making me act this way right now.

Our emotions are not right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy. What matters is how we handle our emotions. Keeping the head of the axe on the handle is always best. And recognizing when it has come loose or is about to come loose (which is bound to happen to all of us at times) is key to regulating and resetting our mental health and maintaining healthy relationships.  

If you want to hear more about our thoughts on this topic, listen to this week’s 10-minute episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast, which you can find by clicking on “Podcast” at the top of this page.

Speaking of podcasts, Scott has his own podcast, which is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about: the integration of spirituality and wellness. The Living Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.