Increasing Resilience Through Compassion
Resilience is often defined as the capacity to bounce back. This definition can be helpful for minor kinds of setbacks or disruptions to our lives. For example, I tripped on a tree root while running on a trail a few months ago and broke a bone in my hand. After X-rays, I was fitted with a brace and returned to running in a few days, for example. My hand has healed now, and I am fortunate to have bounced back to where I was before the injury.
Sometimes, though, we experience a loss or disruption in our lives from which we know we will not ever return to where we were previously. A health crisis changes the trajectory of our lives, a relationship ends, a loved one dies, we lose our job, or our lives are turned upside down by a pandemic. In such situations, resilience isn't about bouncing back to the way things were, but rather is more about finding a way to somehow, gradually accept what has happened and to begin to live forward into a new chapter of our lives. In this case, resilience is somehow finding a way to move forward, not about simply bouncing back.
There are many factors that mental health researchers have talked about as the key to being resilient. There is one in particular that I would like to lift up here because I talk about a lot with clients these days, and that is the importance of compassion. The quote at the top of this column from Sharon Salzburg reminds us that, "Resilience is based on compassion for ourselves, as well as compassion for others."
Do you remember how many of us talked about all the things we were going to accomplish when the pandemic first hit, now that we had extra time at home? We were going to clean the closets, learn to speak a new language, make room for doing that hobby we've always wanted to do, begin a new fitness routine, and learn how to play the piano. For me, it was that I was going to launch a podcast. I immediately invested in some podcast equipment, and then I found that I just couldn't do it. I was exhausted, I was grieving, my life was totally disrupted, and the last thing I had energy for was something like creating a new podcast.
Last week I did launch a new podcast, eighteen months after I bought the equipment. Once I became a little more compassionate toward myself about how long it was taking me, I began to breathe a little easier, and the emotional and mental space I needed to be creative began to open up.
I share this story with you in hopes that it will spark some self-compassion for you. You, too, may have had your life disrupted in ways you could have never imagined. You, too, may have had plans of how things were supposed to go as you tried to "bounce back," only to discover that those plans did not unfold the way you thought they would. Perhaps you could benefit from some self-compassion, or maybe you know someone else who could benefit from some compassion from you. As I experienced, compassion, whether directed toward ourselves or others, creates space for healing, acceptance, and for beginning to plant seeds of what might come next. Seeds don't grow in the soil of judgment and criticism; they only take root in the ground of compassion and patience.
There is no shortage of stress in our lives and the world. What too often is in short supply, though, is compassion. Compassion doesn't magically create resilience, but without it, the seeds of resilience won't grow. So what do you say we all concentrate on creating a little more compassion in our lives and in the lives of people we love?
Making It Personal: These prompts are offered to help you reflect on how you might apply the content of this week's column to your own life. You might write your responses to them in a journal, discuss them with someone else or in a group, or simply take a few moments to reflect on your responses.
How might you practice more compassion with yourself regarding some stress or setback you are experiencing?
Is there someone in your life who could benefit from more compassion from you? Who is it, and how could you show that increased compassion?
Wellness has many dimensions*. How could knowing this help you be more compassionate and patient with yourself or others?
