The Wisdom of the J Curve (#5 in Our 6-Part Series on Growth and Change)

The Wisdom of the J Curve (#5 in Our 6-Part Series on Growth and Change)

  All change is destabilizing and inevitably feels hard before it becomes more familiar. Sometimes the period of difficulty and instability that comes with change can last much longer than we expect or desire. We know this to be true when the change is something we didn't plan for or want. Changes like this include a health crisis, the ending of a relationship, the death of someone we love, the loss of a job. The numerous losses we all have experienced due to the pandemic also fall into this category.  

We know from experience that when a loss occurs in our life, we will most often struggle emotionally as we work through it. However, we may be surprised to learn that even if we plan for and choose to make a change in our lives, it will also initially feel destabilizing and emotionally challenging. Suppose we decide to move, get married, start a new job or volunteer activity, begin an exercise program, add a child to our life, go back to school, choose to retire, or make a proactive New Year's resolution. We may mistakenly think we will feel good right away in any of these situations. We may be surprised to learn that it is also normal to struggle even with these self-initiated changes and perhaps, even to second guess our choices regarding the change. When things start to feel difficult, some people may even consider giving up the change or wish they could return to their old life.

A phenomenon known as the J Curve explains why both planned and unplanned changes are initially challenging and destabilizing. In the graphic of the J Curve, which appears above, you can see that the vertical axis is stability, and the horizontal axis is resilience/growth. All significant changes follow the pattern of the J Curve. Typically, the more significant the change, the deeper the J Curve.  

Due to the pandemic, the entire world has been in a J Curve together for almost two years. This is why we are all exhausted. The instability continues to be overwhelming for many. And this is why requests for mental health care are at a record high right now. Just when we think we are coming up the right side of the J Curve, another variant emerges. And then we find ourselves faced with a new J Curve within the larger J Curve of the pandemic, testing and challenging our ability to bounce back.  

Research shows that three factors are essential for enhancing our capacity for resilience when we are walking through the valley of a J Curve. It is common to think we "should" be able to move through J Curves much faster than we actually are able. We may become impatient with ourselves. So the first thing we all need is self-compassion. Be gentle with yourself if you are worn out right now by the pandemic. Be gentle with yourself if you are in the midst of any other kind of significant change—whether a move, retirement, a job loss or change, or you recently brought a new child into your life. Or if it is just plain hard right now. Patience may be in short supply just when we need it most, including patience with ourselves. 

The second factor that enhances resilience in the midst of loss or change is the support of others. One clever way to remember this is to note that the word "wellness" starts with "we," acknowledging that wellness is strengthened in community. Sometimes, when we are going through a J Curve, our natural tendency is to either pull away from others or turn against them. Families, for example, are most likely to experience conflict when individuals within the family, or the whole family itself, are experiencing a J Curve. When we feel most vulnerable is when we most need to turn to others for support. 

Spirituality is the third factor that predicts a positive and resilient outcome for those experiencing loss or change. Spirituality gives us hope, meaning, and a broader perspective on life. Strengthening one's spirituality (for example, by starting or strengthening a meditation, mindfulness, or prayer practice) may be difficult in the midst of a J Curve, but it will gradually enhance one's capacity for resilience. If you look back over your life, you may notice that your spirituality deepened and grew most when you were going through some experience of profound change, which gave you a new perspective on what matters most in life.  

Change is hard. Especially changes we have not asked for or wanted. And it turns out that even changes we plan and initiate can also at times be emotionally exhausting. Early in the pandemic, there was a great deal of talk about "flattening the curve." While we can't prevent J Curves, we can flatten them and enhance our capacity to move through them with resilience if we remember to practice self-compassion, reach out to others for support, and strengthen our spirituality.  

Making It Personal:

1. Looking back on any J Curves you have navigated in the past, what did you learn from those experiences?

2. Are you in the midst of a J Curve right now, or perhaps more than one J Curve?

3. How might the recommendation of self-compassion, support from others, and nurturing your spirituality help you if you are in a J Curve right now? Can you think of what else you may need right now to help you be resilient?

Comfort Zone, Growth Zone, Panic Zone (#4 In Our 6-Part Series on Growth and Change)

Comfort Zone, Growth Zone, Panic Zone (#4 In Our 6-Part Series on Growth and Change)

In early 2020, I (Scott) distinctly remember saying to my work team that I could not ever see myself embracing the idea of working remotely. Being together at the office every day was my comfort zone. It was how I had worked for over thirty years, and therefore it was the only way I could imagine continuing to function. The thought of working remotely was way outside of my comfort zone at that time, and I saw no reason to change. 

Then the pandemic came, and there went my work comfort zone. No longer able to continue my old familiar patterns, I had no choice except to grow and change. With the help of our open-minded and flexible team, I am happy to say that I have come to enjoy working remotely and have embraced my new online world. I have also learned that some of the things we do, such as training others to use our materials, actually work better online.  

I love the statement, "Resisting change is like holding your breath; if you succeed, it usually doesn't end well." I like it because it describes how I initially responded to the work disruptions caused by COVID. I held my breath and said to myself, "This can't last very long. Surely I can hold my breath until we return to normal." Obviously, that plan didn't work out so well. I'm breathing easier these days and am grateful that my willingness to step out of my comfort zone regarding work gradually changed, and now I'm luckily breathing more easily while working from home. (In sharing this, I certainly realize how fortunate I am to have a job that could adapt to being online. And my heart goes out to those who have lost their jobs or had to work in extremely trying conditions because of COVID). 

In our Wellness Compass resources, we teach a model of change that includes three concentric circles. The inner circle is the Comfort Zone, the middle circle is the Growth Zone, and the outermost ring is the Panic Zone. This model reminds us that all growth is, by definition, uncomfortable because it is outside of our current Comfort Zone. It also shows us that sometimes we are thrown out of our Comfort Zone and land in the Panic Zone. That's where I was in terms of my work when the pandemic hit. With time, effort, and support, I eventually moved into the Growth Zone.  

Growth and change are uncomfortable. Sometimes they can even create feelings of panic. We hope this series on growth and change will help you breathe a little easier the next time you need to adapt to or make a significant change.  

Making It Personal:

1. When life invites you to change, how do you typically react?

2. Are you in a Panic Zone or Growth Zone right now in your life? Or do you know someone who is?

3. If you answered yes to question two, either for yourself or someone you know, what support do you or they need in order to breathe more easily in the midst of the change?

Stages of Change (Part 3 in Our 6-Part Series on Growth and Change)

Stages of Change (Part 3 in Our 6-Part Series on Growth and Change)

Have you ever been unsuccessful in an attempt to create some kind of change in your life? Have you ever been frustrated in your attempt to lead a group of people through a process of change? If you are like us, you can think of many times when your answer to these questions would be, “Of course!”  

If you, too, have been disappointed in your ability to create or lead change, you may be interested in learning that a theory of change known as the “Stages of Change Model” could explain why it was such a challenge. This helpful model is based on the foundational truth that change doesn’t just happen because we want it to; it happens instead when we remember that it is a process and not simply an event.

We typically think of change as an action, such as “Last year I changed my diet,” “I retired recently,” or “I moved to a new city.” While change does include doing something different, the wisdom of the Stages of Change Model is that before there is action, there are preliminary steps everyone takes before they actually take the action we think of as change.  

Here, in summary, are descriptions of the five stages of change we all go through regularly, regarding both big and small things. At the end of each description, we provide an example of that stage as it applies to a hypothetical person wanting to begin a walking program. While reading, think about some change you have either recently made, or are in the midst of making right now. Please also refer to the graphic at the top of this column.

Pre-contemplation. This means that the person has not, or is not even considering making a change. They may have not yet considered the prospect, seen a need for change, or may even have decided against the idea altogether. At this stage, they are not likely to respond positively to suggestions to change.

Example: “I’ve never been a person who has exercised, and I have no desire to start now.”

Contemplation. This is where a person first senses that there is something they want to change and that they would benefit from doing things differently. At this stage, a person has some initial awareness or hears some whisper for a need or desire to change or grow.  

Example: “I’ve never exercised, but as I get older, I’m starting to think I could benefit from being more active. I might even want to walk a 5K someday.” 

Preparation. Here the focus begins to change from the need or problem the person wants to address to considering possible solutions. People at this stage begin to gather information about what could help support their desire to live differently, and will start seeking the resources they will need to help support their efforts. 

Example: “I’m going to talk to my friend who walks in 5K fundraisers, and find out when the next one is, and how best to prepare for it, and then buy some walking shoes.”

Action. Here people have begun to take concrete steps to make the change a reality. The actions taken are focused and support the changes they envision for themselves. (This is what most people think of as change, not realizing that real change is actually a long, thoughtful process.)

Example: “I bought some walking shoes over the weekend, and this week I walked before work three different mornings..”  

Maintenance. Having maintained the desired change and growth for an extended period of time (somewhere in the range of three to six months), there is good evidence that the change will be a lasting one. The new way of doing things has become a new habit, something that doesn’t require a great deal of conscious thought and energy. 

Example: “I can’t believe how much more energy I have now that I walk so often, and I’m so proud of myself since I have completed my first two 5K walks.”

Many of us made New Years Resolutions a few weeks ago, and some of us have even given up on them already. A primary reason that change plans, like resolutions, fail is that we move too quickly to Action. In order for our plans to be successful, we have to honor the fact that before we attempt a change, we need to allow enough time to think through all its aspects and ramifications, and prepare for it adequately. Taking time for the Contemplation and Preparation stages allows for a greater chance of success. In fact, a significant change might require six months, a year, or longer to work thoughtfully through the first two stages, before we are ready to take Action.  

As life is full of constant decisions and possibilities for change, it is helpful to understand all that is involved in making a significant change, and give ourselves the time to acknowledge and honor the entire process we are always going through. We hope this brief introduction to the Stages of Change Theory is helpful as you think about the changes you are in the midst of, or are considering making in the future. 

Please listen to this week’s episode of our Wellness Compass podcast for a more in-depth discussion of The Stages of Change, and how it can help you be kind to yourself during the inevitable changes in your life. You can find it HERE or by following the links below.  

Making It Personal:

1. What do you think of the idea that change is a process, not an event?

2. Have you ever moved too quickly to the Action stage of change without giving adequate time to Contemplation and Preparation? What happened?

3. How does the Stages of Change Theory help you understand a change that you are in the process of considering right now?

Find Your Why and You'll Find Your Way (Part 2 of Our 6-Part Series on Growth & Change)

Find Your Why and You'll Find Your Way (Part 2 of Our 6-Part Series on Growth & Change)

  This column is part two of a six-part series on growth and change. While the timing of these columns is related to the beginning of a new year—a time when many people take stock and seek to make a change—what we are writing about here is timeless and applies to any kind of change, whether personal, relational, or organizational.  

Most attempts to make a change will fail if they are not connected to a clear "why," or reason for making the change. On our Wellness Compass podcast episode this week, Holly shared a personal story of a change she started making about a year ago. She came to the awareness that our grandchildren are getting older and much more active, and she needed to make some changes to keep up with their abundant energy. She changed her eating habits and started a disciplined routine of working out that now has her feeling much more strength and stamina. As she says on the podcast, "I didn't want to watch my grandkids be active from sitting in my rocking chair." She is more able than ever now to be physically active with them.

On the podcast, she talks about how there are certainly days when she doesn't feel like working out or eating well, but then she remembers her "why"—the reason she is making the change, and when she does that, her resolve stays strong.  

Author Simon Sinek writes a great deal about change. He says that most people only focus on the "what" and "how" of a change they want to make, and forget the most essential part—connecting with their "why." For example, a person might decide they want to spend less time on their screens. That is their "what." They may have a "how," a plan about how they will do this. But unless they articulate the deeper "why," their attempt to limit their screen time will likely be short-lived. If, however, they can identify that they want to spend less time on screen so that they can spend more quality time connecting with others, or pursuing other meaningful activities, or getting more sleep, then there is a greater chance they will be able to make a lasting change in their relationship with screens.

All great leaders inspire with a clear "why." Desmond Tutu, who recently passed away, received the Nobel Peace Prize for his tireless work to end apartheid in South Africa. His "why" that kept him going even when facing seemingly insurmountable barriers was deeply grounded in his faith, which taught him that all people are created equal, and that the freedom and dignity of every individual must be affirmed and honored. "What" he did, and "how" he did it may have evolved and adapted to changing circumstances, but his "why' never wavered, and it was what sustained him his entire life. Such is the power of knowing and connecting with our deeper "why."

We all see numerous Christmas trees lying by the street this time of year, waiting to get picked up and recycled. These trees are dry and withered at this point because they were cut off from the root system that nourished them a few months ago. Our desires to change and grow will have the same fate if they are not rooted in a clear and compelling "why."

Making It Personal

1. What do you think about the quote "Find your why and you'll find your way?"

2. Can you think of a change you made in your life in the past that was fueled by a clear "why"?

3. Is there a change you are making now or want to make that would be strengthened by connecting it more clearly to a "why?"

Listening for a Change (Part 1 of Our 6-Part Series on Growth & Change)

Listening for a Change (Part 1 of Our 6-Part Series on Growth & Change)

    Whether or not we make New Year's resolutions, many of us do take stock of our lives this time of year, pausing to reflect on whether there are any changes we want to make. Apart from it being the start of a new year, the pandemic has disrupted all of our lives, sometimes forcing change upon us and other times clarifying for us a change we want or need to make. 

   One concept that we have found to be helpful when it comes to change, both for ourselves and the clients we work with, is the idea of "listening to the whispers." It is based on the idea that all meaningful change begins with listening and that a desire or need for change often first makes itself known to us as a whisper, a quiet feeling that something is just not as we wish it to be. The whisper could be something like: 

"I am feeling the need to strengthen/repair my relationship with _______. I'm not sure how to do that, and frankly, I'm afraid to take the first step, but I know it's time.”

"I used to do more ________, and I am missing that. I'm going to find a way to get back to it in the next few months.”

"I think the amount of stress in my life is starting to take a toll on me, and I want to do something about it.”

"I seem to be drinking more than before, and it's impacting my relationships with others. I want to turn that around before it gets worse." 

"I'm not sure I want to stay in this job much longer. I am going to begin taking steps to find a new one.”

"I know I'm being called to get more involved in issues facing my community. I'm going to talk to people I know who are doing the kind of things I want to be doing.”

"There are issues in our family that can no longer be ignored. I know we could be a stronger family if we were to start having more honest conversations.”

"I hear my friends talk about how important meditation is to them and what a positive effect it has on them. I'm going to look into that.”

  That inner voice, that whisper that something needs to change, is easy to ignore. After all, it's only a whisper. When a whisper is ignored, though, it seldom goes away. The usual progression is that the whisper gets louder, and then gradually our inner voice begins to shout at us. What happens then if even the shout does not get our attention? Something will eventually happen, some negative consequence, sometimes even a crisis, something so obvious that we can no longer ignore what is going on. 

  When it comes to our personal and relational wellness, it is essential that we learn to listen to the hints in our lives that tell us when something is out of balance. Healthy individuals, couples, families, leaders, and organizations do this on a regular and proactive basis. They regularly take an honest look in the mirror. And because they know that even then, they can still fool themselves, they regularly seek out honest feedback from others they trust. They build open feedback loops into their lives so that they can adapt and respond to any warning signs that emerge. But it all starts with being willing to let our lives speak to us, and being willing to listen to the messages that announce that something needs to be different. 

   Our lives are always speaking to us. The question is, "Are we listening?" 

Here are a few "Making It Personal" questions meant to help promote listening more closely to what our lives are saying to us  now.  

Making It Personal

1. What are your thoughts about the idea that all meaningful change begins with listening?

2. Can you think of a time in your life when you listened to a whisper in your life, and it resulted in making a positive change?

3. Listening to your life right now, what is one positive change you want to make as we start the new year?

Happy New Year from the Wellness Compass Initiative.  

The Gift of Presence

The Gift of Presence

  One of the highlights of Christmas for me as a child was my grandmother coming to visit and staying with us for a week. She lived far away, so a visit from her was always a special occasion. All this was magnified when she visited over the holidays. My sister and I would gather on the couch with her for hours, watching all the classic holiday movies. As I write this now, I vividly remember the magic of watching Miracle on 34th Street with her every year. And we when were done watching movies, it was off to the kitchen to make cookies together.

It’s enlightening that I have so many powerful memories of her visits, yet I cannot remember one Christmas present that she ever gave to me. I do not doubt that she gave us all presents, it’s just that I have no recollection of them. What I remember instead is her presence. That was indeed the greatest gift she could have given us, and she shared that gift abundantly.

If you celebrate the holidays by exchanging gifts and find yourself stressing out about finding just the right present, perhaps my story will be enlightening for you, too. I’m no Scrooge when it comes to presents; I just know that one of the best gifts we can give to family and friends is, to paraphrase Ralph Waldo Emerson, “a portion of ourselves.”

The gift of our presence does not require any money, but it may require some internal work on our part. I know I cannot be truly present to someone if internally I am distracted. I also cannot be present if I am holding on to some kind of judgment, anger, or regret. 

Many things can block our ability to show up fully in the important relationships in our lives. The holidays seem like a perfect time of year to let go of those barriers. It could turn out to be the best present we give to both ourselves and the people we love.

Making It Personal

1. Can you think of someone who has given you the gift of presence, either when you were a child or in your adult life? How did/does that person make you feel?

2. To whom do you want to be sure you give the gift of presence this holiday season?

3. Are you aware of any internal barriers that might make it difficult for you to show up fully for those you love? If so, are you ready to let them go?

To Acknowledge Our Grief is To Acknowledge That We Have Loved & Been Loved

To Acknowledge Our Grief is To Acknowledge That We Have Loved & Been Loved

 Grief has many faces and presents itself in a myriad of ways. We are familiar with grief when it shows up as sadness, loneliness, or feelings of emptiness. It may be less evident that grief is commonly the feeling underlying irritability, anger, conflict, excessive drinking, feeling numb, wanting to isolate, and busyness.

  I believe we all grieve during the holidays, one way or another. Maybe this is the first year we are celebrating the holidays since someone we love has died. Maybe there has been a painful break in the family. Or perhaps this is the first holiday since someone has moved away or because of other circumstances, we cannot be with someone we love. And then there are always the poignant feelings of remembering parents, grandparents, and other friends and relatives who have been missing from our holiday gatherings for many years.  

  I am pointing out all the ways that grief can show up this time of year not to make us all sad, but to remind us that whenever we acknowledge our grief, we also acknowledge that we have loved and been loved. It is well-known that repressing or hiding our grief is detrimental to our mental health. Avoiding our grief also prevents us from fully celebrating the love we have shared with those who are no longer part of our day-to-day lives. 

  Many people have been raised with a mindset that it is best not to think about grief, let alone express it. If that is true for you, you may want to consider adopting a new mindset about the importance, and I might even say, the sacredness of grief.  

  So if you find yourself listening to a particular song or hanging a sentimental ornament and suddenly are overcome with grief or sadness, by all means, embrace it. In doing so, you are in that moment, embracing the love that you have shared with the person you are remembering. Take whatever time you need for yourself to acknowledge, feel, and express both your grief and your love.  

Making It Personal

1. What do you think of the idea that when we acknowledge our grief, we acknowledge our love?

2. Who are you missing—what specific grief are you feeling this holiday season?

3. Are you comfortable honoring your grief and maybe even sharing it with others?

Sharpening Our Saws

Sharpening Our Saws

A story is told about two loggers who have been working all day cutting down large trees using an old-fashioned two-person hand saw, one of them on each end pulling back and forth. In the morning, they made significant progress in cutting down many trees. As the day went on, they became increasingly frustrated with how much their progress slowed down, finally quitting when they could not make it through their last tree. Once they stopped for the day, they suddenly realized why they had been so inefficient in the second half of the day. In their busyness and rush to cut down so many trees, they forgot to take their usual midday break to sharpen their saw. They learned from their oversight that it's nearly impossible to cut down a tree with a dull blade.  

For many, this can be a hectic time of year. There are many things to do, many trees to cut down. If we are not careful, we can forget the importance of sharpening our saws. This is all the more critical this year because the ongoing grind of the pandemic means that we are likely to be already feeling a bit dulled by all that we have experienced.  

As part of our Wellness Compass Initiative, we lead and train others to conduct our Wellness Circle program. Based on our holistic Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being, a Wellness Circle is a six-week small group coaching program where each participant chooses an area of wellness that they want to strengthen. One of the most commonly chosen areas of wellness is "Rest and Play" because it seems that many people are aware of the need for them to take more time to consciously re-create and re-energize both their mental health and physical well-being.  

As we navigate the holiday season, we are wise to reflect on the activities that are truly re-creative, and those which are not. Over-eating, over-spending, and over-drinking are not going to sharpen our saws, but in fact, they will probably do the opposite. Focusing on simplicity, time with friends and family, and the spiritual meaning of the season are all things that will likely be more re-creative for our overall well-being.  

I'll close with something I read this week that made me cringe. “I think I'm winning Christmas this year" was a comment I read on social media. Accompanying this statement was a list of all the person's accomplishments as proof of their "winning." I cringed because I can remember times when I was younger, and I overdid things this time of year and somehow thought that was a good thing. I remember how exhausted I used to get and how I figured that was the way the holidays were supposed to be.  Now I am taking more time to unplug from some of the things that previously wore me out around the holidays and am instead focusing on what renews and feeds me.

I invite you to reflect on what sharpens your saw and helps you rest, play, and re-create with these three "Making It Personal" questions. We provide these each week to help you put into action anything that speaks to you in these columns. We also close our weekly podcast with these same questions and so just a quick reminder that you can find our podcast here.  

Making It Personal:

What signs do you see in yourself that indicate that you need to unplug or sharpen your saw?

Make a list of three to five things that help you sharpen your saw and re-energize you.

Are you satisfied with the quality and quantity of time you take for rest and play? If not, what is one thing you could do differently this week?

Happiness, Balance, & Gratitude

Happiness, Balance, & Gratitude

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. It has always been my favorite holiday because of both its simplicity and its focus on gratitude. As I get older, I find that gratitude is foundational to my emotional and spiritual well-being, as I continue to discover the truth of this quote from David Steindl-Rast, “The root of joy is gratefulness. It is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.”

As the intensity of the holiday season ramps up, I am realizing that I will need to be more intentional about focusing on gratitude as the foundation for joy and happiness. Another quote, this one from Thomas Merton, will also help guide my choices over the next month: “Happiness is not a matter of intensity, but of balance, order, rhythm, and harmony.”

I invite you too to be intentional about how you navigate the holiday season. How will you practice gratitude and create a rhythm that enhances balance and well-being? Part of the intensity of the holiday season comes from the cultural message to buy and do more, which, if we are not mindful, can create feelings that our lives are lacking in some way. A focus on gratitude for what we already have is perhaps the best way to maintain our emotional, relational, and spiritual balance this time of year.

Making It Personal: 

1. What is your response to the quote, “The root of joy is gratefulness. It is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful”?

2. What thoughts do you have about the quote from Thomas Merton, “Happiness is not a matter of intensity, but of balance, order, rhythm, and harmony?”

3. What’s one thing you need to be intentional about to help you navigate the holiday season with a sense of balance, order, rhythm, and harmony?

Prioritizing Our Mental Health Throughout the Holiday Season

Prioritizing Our Mental Health Throughout the Holiday Season

A few weeks ago, I wrote about recalculating our routes in a column that focused on giving ourselves permission to make changes in direction when needed. Today I am writing about something a bit different yet similar, calculating our routes. Specifically, I'm going to focus on inviting us to plan the way we intend to navigate this upcoming holiday season in a way that prioritizes our mental health and overall well-being.  

The holiday season can be stressful for our mental health in a typical year. It can bring a roller coaster of emotions of both sadness and joy, and sometimes pressures to be or act a certain way that is not in alignment with what we are feeling or wanting. When you add the additional stress of an ongoing and changing pandemic, it becomes even more important to be proactive about prioritizing our mental health so as to level out the potential highs and lows of the season.

Through my four decades as a psychotherapist, I often have had conversations with clients in January where they talk about how exhausted they are because of not making good choices through the holidays. "It's like I was on auto-pilot, trying to meet the expectations of family and friends, and not even realizing the cumulative effect of the choices I was making," is something I hear often.

To help you avoid this kind of exhaustion, here are three things to focus on to help you calculate your plans for the next six weeks. They are offered with the hope that with some planning and focus on some self-care, the holidays can be a time of authentic joy and peace.  

First, if there is a potentially uncomfortable conversation you need to have with friends or family, don't make the mistake of putting it off or avoiding that conversation. Holidays bring both the gift and sometimes the pressure of traditions. "But we've always done it this way" thinking can create undue pressure to continue traditions that don't serve us well anymore. Instead, have honest conversations now about what will work best for everyone this holiday season. 

Even though these conversations may be challenging initially, they usually help families and friends find new ways of doing things that all can enjoy. As I wrote a few weeks ago, the pandemic gives us a new freedom to recalculate our routes, and that includes how we will celebrate the holidays.  

Second, set a budget not just for your finances, but also for how you want to budget your time and energy. The holidays sometimes trigger feelings of sadness, obligation, and/or loss, which in turn might prompt us to over-spend, over-drink, over-eat, or over-do. Prioritizing our mental health through the holidays means being proactive about setting limits, and also at the same time, not avoiding the challenging emotions such as regret, sadness, and grief that may occur this time of year.

A third way to practice self-care this holiday season is to intentionally choose to focus on the spiritual meaning of the season. The word "holiday" is a contraction of the two words "holy" and "day." How will you honor what is holy and sacred for you this year? How will you budget time and energy to practice and nurture your spirituality? Strengthening our spirituality is always good for our mental health, and particularly so this time of year.  

Happy Thanksgiving to all, and best wishes for navigating this holiday season in a way that is mindful and good for your well-being and for those with whom you will connect.

Making it Personal (These prompts are offered to evoke your ideas for how you might want to prioritize your mental health during the holidays.)

1. Is there a conversation regarding holiday plans, that while perhaps challenging to have, would be beneficial to have now rather than later?

2. What's one thing you might want to do new or different this year regarding how you celebrate the holidays?

3. What is one thing you could do to practice and nurture your spirituality throughout the holidays this year?

Are You Handling Your Emotions or Are They Handling You?

Are You Handling Your Emotions or Are They Handling You?

The title question for this column, “Are you handling your emotions, or are they handling you?” is timely given the chronic stress that we have all been facing the last year and a half. My answer to this question is, “Yes!” Yes, there are times when I am handling my emotions, and yes, there are times when my feelings are handling me. One of the warning signs I recognize in myself when I am not managing my emotions well is that I am irritable and impatient in my communication with others. Perhaps this is why I resonate with the advice that when it comes to good communication, it is wise to strive to, “Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don’t say it mean.”

 There is much wisdom in these three short sentences. Like many wise sayings, it takes a moment to memorize, but a lifetime to master. Let’s reflect briefly on each of these three sentences. 

   “Say what you mean” describes the importance of having the emotional intelligence to recognize and express the full range of our emotions. For example, if I am sad or scared, and if I am not mindful, I might express those feelings as anger or criticism, when it would be far healthier to be vulnerable enough to share what I am really feeling. Being thoughtful and honest about what we really mean is good for ourselves and those with whom we are in relationship. 

   “Mean what you say” invites us to reflect on what we are communicating so that it is an accurate expression of what we are feeling. For example, “You never help me clean up around here” is probably not accurate and indeed not helpful. Much better is, “The last week or so, I have felt like I have been doing most of the household chores. You may have a different perspective, but in any case, I want to talk about how to rebalance all this better going forward.” The person who is frustrated in this example  probably doesn’t really mean that the other person never helps out, and escalating their words to that level greatly reduces their chance of being heard.

   “Don’t say it mean” is often the most challenging advice for many of us to follow. Somewhere along the line, it seems we got the idea that we can increase our chances of being heard by raising our voices in anger. Yet, we know that attempting to increase our persuasive power by raising our voices actually has the opposite effect. People instead shut down and stop listening when we are mean. 

   On the podcast that corresponds with this column each week, I shared the story of a youth soccer coach who screamed at his players regularly. When I reflected this back to him and asked him why he did this, he replied it was because his players never listened to him. The coach and I talked some more, and he had a minor breakthrough as he began to see a possible connection between his “saying it mean” and their not listening. His frustration was clearly handling him, and I was trying to give him some insight into how perhaps he could begin to manage his feelings more productively and in turn, get his players to pay more attention to his words.  

   It is natural at times to be overwhelmed by our emotions and to feel like they are handling us rather than that we are handling them. Whenever we find ourselves overwhelmed, it is wise to call a timeout and wait until we are sure we won’t say or do something we’ll later regret. When we have calmed down, we will be more able to “say what we mean, mean what we say, and not say it mean.”

   It takes a lifetime to master this wisdom. Any of us, at times, can and will “say it mean.” It happens to all of us, and when it does, we need to be careful not to be too hard on ourselves. We simply and humbly need to apologize, learn from what happened, and grow a little wiser when it comes to handling our emotions.  

Making It Personal:

1. Which of the three parts of this saying is most challenging for you, “Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don’t say it mean?”

2. ‘Saying it mean” is one manifestation of not handling or expressing our emotions well. Can you think of others?

3. Is there a particular person or relationship in your life with whom you would like to practice the advice of “Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don’t say it mean” this week?

Recalculating Our Routes

Recalculating Our Routes

My wife and I recently took a road trip, and because we had some extra time and were in no hurry to get to our destination, we turned to Google Maps to help us chart some less traveled and more scenic routes. Several times we spontaneously made changes to our route, or we missed a turn we were supposed to make, and each of these times, we received a friendly message that the app was “recalculating our route.”

I have read several stories recently about “the great resignation” that is currently happening in America’s workforce. The articles described how many people have resigned from their jobs during the pandemic, and their life is taking a new direction. While there are a variety of reasons that people are leaving their jobs, one clear theme is that people are choosing not to return to the kind of pace, or balance, or unsatisfactory working conditions that they had before the pandemic. One subgroup within the larger population that is not returning to their jobs is older workers who have chosen to retire rather than return to their previous employment. And of course, many have lost their jobs and have no choice but to find a new direction for their work.

All of this has me thinking that this time of “the great resignation” is really a time of “the great recalculation.” Many of us are recalculating our routes, some by choice, some by necessity. As awful as the pandemic has been, perhaps one benefit that has come from it is that it has given many people the opportunity to rethink their lives. People are now wondering what parts of their lives they wish to return to and which parts they do not.

I love that the Google Maps voice is always so calm and patient when I miss a turn. There is never a hint of judgment or criticism. Perhaps we can all keep that voice in mind as a model for our inner voice when we find ourselves making changes in our lives. May we be as calm and patient with ourselves and others when it comes to recalculating the routes, routines, and relationships in our lives, many of which have been dramatically changed over the last year and a half.

Making It Personal. These prompts are offered to help you reflect on how you might apply the content of this week's column to your own life. You might write your responses to them in a journal, discuss them with someone else or in a group, or simply take a few moments to reflect on your responses.

1. Has the pandemic caused you to recalculate some aspect of your life?

2. If so, what has been the tone of your inner voice as you have been making changes in your life?

3. Do you know someone who is working to reroute their life right now and could use your compassion and support? If so, what might you do to offer your support?

Watering Our Spiritual Root Systems

Watering Our Spiritual Root Systems

  Spirituality is a part of all of our lives, whether we consciously are aware of it and nurture it within ourselves or not. We are spiritual beings. As the author and theologian Pierre Teilhard de Chardin wrote, "We are not human beings having spiritual experiences; we are spiritual beings having human experiences."  

 Practicing a religious faith is one way to express and ground one's spirituality, but spirituality transcends any one religion. Some have referred to spirituality as a deep underground river that gives us strength and sustenance and acknowledge that there are many ways, many wells, to tap into that river.

Staying with the idea of spirituality being underground and often out of view, I have always liked the image that our spirituality is like the root system of a tree. The roots of a tree are what ground a tree, what helps the tree to stand upright. The roots are also what bring nourishment to the tree. In order for a tree to grow taller or broader, it must simultaneously grow deeper and broader roots. And we are also learning that the roots of a tree spread out and interact with the roots of other trees, even drawing strength from nearby trees in times of distress. 

 Just as with the roots of a tree, our spirituality needs to be watered and deepened regularly over our entire lives. Spirituality helps us define our core values and purpose and begins to be developed in childhood. These values are especially important in the first half of life as we are then in the midst of making important decisions that build the foundation for our life. In the second half of life, our spirituality additionally helps us deal with aging, loss, and letting go. It helps us to make peace with what has been, what is, and what will be. Just as with trees, deep roots can help sustain us through rainy and stormy days.

 In this week's Wellness Compass podcast, which is a companion to this column, my wife Holly and I talk about two traditional practices for deepening one's spirituality. The first is meditation or prayer. Every religious tradition has both corporate and individual practices of prayer. Meditation and mindfulness practices are also important to millions of people who don't necessarily define themselves as being part of a religious faith yet very much benefit from this soulful practice.  

The other practice we discuss on our podcast this week is gratitude. A regular gratitude practice, of taking time each morning or evening to note what you are grateful for that day, can help deepen one's sense of the spiritual aspect of life. Research has shown that a regular gratitude practice has positive benefits for one's mental health, with some studies even suggesting that it has a positive effect on one's brain. 

In whatever ways you express and tend to your spiritual root system, the benefits of doing so are immense. This is why we include spirituality as one of the eight dimensions of wellness in our Wellness Compass of Well-Being. And while all eight dimensions are essential, spirituality is perhaps, for many, the one that grounds and guides all the others.  

Making It Personal: The questions below are offered to help you reflect on how you might apply the content of this week's column to your own life. You might write your responses to them in a journal, discuss them with someone else or in a group, or simply take a few moments to reflect on your responses.

1. What comes to mind when you think of spirituality as being like the root system of a tree?

2. Are you satisfied with how aligned your current life choices are with your core values and spirituality?

3. How do you water your spiritual life now?

4. Might you want to try a regular gratitude or meditation/prayer practice (if you are not already doing so)?

Enhancing the Quality of Our Relationships

Enhancing the Quality of Our Relationships

  Almost thirty years ago, I first wrote that "Few things affect the quality of our lives more than the quality of our relationships,” for an article on marriage and family therapy. And I believe that quote is as true today as it was when I first wrote it.  

  The stress that people are experiencing from the pandemic is often showing up as more conflict in their relationships, which in turn creates more stress in their lives. Last week I wrote about stress resilience and the importance of being compassionate toward ourselves and others with whom we are in relationship. Knowing that being compassionate is a crucial tool in stress reduction is one thing; practicing it in our relationships is another. Once relationship patterns get set, they can be hard to break, especially if those relationship patterns are long-standing.

  Most of us first learned our relationship patterns and skills at the "school of relationships" we attended as children. That school was run by the adults who raised us. In that school, we learned about all kinds of things that we came to believe were normal and good in relationships, and then we most likely adopted them. We probably carried those habits into our adulthood, often without awareness of whether what we learned was helpful or not.  

  The good news is that if we find our current relationship habits are not serving us well, we can change those patterns at any time. All it takes is humility, willingness to learn, and a commitment to doing the work it takes to break old habits and create new ones.

  Here is one specific skill that I regularly teach that creates a new pattern in relationships. It is a skill I learned from the research of Dr. John Gottman, a marriage and family therapist and author of several best-selling books on relationships. The skill, known as the "soft start-up,” has to do with how we choose to start a conversation. 

  Gottman contrasts a soft start-up with its opposite, a harsh start-up (often used when people are stressed). His research shows that depending on which of these two ways a conversation begins, one can predict how that conversation will end. For example, a harsh start-up, such as "You never listen to what I have to say about……" (especially when said with a stern tone) is likely to lead to a defensive response from the accused, which often leads to an escalation in the conflict.  

  A soft start-up, on the other hand, related to the same issue might sound like this. "I would like to talk with you about how lately I am not feeling heard when I talk about ……. and I would like to address this before I get more upset. Would now be a good time to have a conversation with me about this?" Starting a conversation in this manner is much more likely to lead to a productive and positive conversation. This kind of start-up seeks to resolve the conflict rather than inflame it. 

  If we attended a "school of relationships" where harsh start-ups and repeated relational conflict were common, we might believe that is typical for relationships. If no one ever shared their true feelings when you were growing up, you most likely learned to do the same. The good news is that we can all be life-long learners when it comes to finding more satisfying ways to be in relationship with others, no matter what we have learned through the years. Again, all it takes is humility, willingness to learn, and a commitment to doing the work it takes to break old habits and create new ones.  

Making It Personal: 

These prompts are offered to help you reflect on how you might apply the content of this week's column to your own life. You might write your responses to them in a journal, discuss them with someone else or in a group, or simply take a few moments to reflect on your responses.

1. Do you see a connection between your current level of stress and how it might be impacting your relationships?

2. Are you satisfied in general with your use of "soft start-ups" vs. "harsh start-ups?”

3. Is there a specific relationship where you would like to practice a different tone, including, perhaps, a soft start-up?

*Healthy Relationships is one of the eight dimensions of wellness in our Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being. 

Increasing Resilience Through Compassion

Increasing Resilience Through Compassion

Resilience is often defined as the capacity to bounce back. This definition can be helpful for minor kinds of setbacks or disruptions to our lives. For example, I tripped on a tree root while running on a trail a few months ago and broke a bone in my hand. After X-rays, I was fitted with a brace and returned to running in a few days, for example. My hand has healed now, and I am fortunate to have bounced back to where I was before the injury.

Sometimes, though, we experience a loss or disruption in our lives from which we know we will not ever return to where we were previously. A health crisis changes the trajectory of our lives, a relationship ends, a loved one dies, we lose our job, or our lives are turned upside down by a pandemic. In such situations, resilience isn't about bouncing back to the way things were, but rather is more about finding a way to somehow, gradually accept what has happened and to begin to live forward into a new chapter of our lives. In this case, resilience is somehow finding a way to move forward, not about simply bouncing back.

There are many factors that mental health researchers have talked about as the key to being resilient. There is one in particular that I would like to lift up here because I talk about a lot with clients these days, and that is the importance of compassion. The quote at the top of this column from Sharon Salzburg reminds us that, "Resilience is based on compassion for ourselves, as well as compassion for others."

Do you remember how many of us talked about all the things we were going to accomplish when the pandemic first hit, now that we had extra time at home? We were going to clean the closets, learn to speak a new language, make room for doing that hobby we've always wanted to do, begin a new fitness routine, and learn how to play the piano. For me, it was that I was going to launch a podcast. I immediately invested in some podcast equipment, and then I found that I just couldn't do it. I was exhausted, I was grieving, my life was totally disrupted, and the last thing I had energy for was something like creating a new podcast.

Last week I did launch a new podcast, eighteen months after I bought the equipment. Once I became a little more compassionate toward myself about how long it was taking me, I began to breathe a little easier, and the emotional and mental space I needed to be creative began to open up.

I share this story with you in hopes that it will spark some self-compassion for you. You, too, may have had your life disrupted in ways you could have never imagined. You, too, may have had plans of how things were supposed to go as you tried to "bounce back," only to discover that those plans did not unfold the way you thought they would. Perhaps you could benefit from some self-compassion, or maybe you know someone else who could benefit from some compassion from you. As I experienced, compassion, whether directed toward ourselves or others, creates space for healing, acceptance, and for beginning to plant seeds of what might come next. Seeds don't grow in the soil of judgment and criticism; they only take root in the ground of compassion and patience.

There is no shortage of stress in our lives and the world. What too often is in short supply, though, is compassion. Compassion doesn't magically create resilience, but without it, the seeds of resilience won't grow. So what do you say we all concentrate on creating a little more compassion in our lives and in the lives of people we love?

Making It Personal: These prompts are offered to help you reflect on how you might apply the content of this week's column to your own life. You might write your responses to them in a journal, discuss them with someone else or in a group, or simply take a few moments to reflect on your responses.

1. How might you practice more compassion with yourself regarding some stress or setback you are experiencing?

2. Is there someone in your life who could benefit from more compassion from you? Who is it, and how could you show that increased compassion?

3. Wellness has many dimensions*. How could knowing this help you be more compassionate and patient with yourself or others?

What if the Hokey Pokey is What It's All About

What If The Hokey Pokey Is What It’s All About?

One advantage to spending so much time at home during the pandemic is that I have reconnected with my love for playing the guitar. I enjoy playing a wide range of music, but children's music is one genre that has remained a constant ever since I began playing guitar in high school. The experience of playing and singing with a group of kids makes it special, and the song that is always the favorite is one we all know and love—the Hokey Pokey. 

What makes the Hokey Pokey special is that it's not just something to sing; it is also something we do. We do the Hokey Pokey by first putting our right foot in, then our left foot, and then building to the last verse where we put our whole selves in. 

This is the first edition of the Wellness Compass column, a column that will be grounded in our Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being. This model focuses on "whole-person" wellness which includes eight interconnected areas of wellness: Handling Emotions, Healthy Relationships, Spirituality, Rest & Play, Organization, Vocation (Work/School/Service), Stress Resilience, and Care for the Body. In other words, when it comes to wellness, we invite people to "put their whole selves in." 

We are also launching a new companion podcast to this column which shares the same name-- the Wellness Compass, to provide an opportunity for additional exploration of each week's topic. On this week's podcast, I play a bit of the Hokey Pokey on my guitar and then use my guitar to illustrate the concept of whole-person wellness. I do this by intentionally making one of the strings on my guitar out of tune. I then play the song with just this one string out of tune, and it is nails-on-a-chalkboard painful to listen to. It's a great way to demonstrate that when one aspect of our well-being is out of tune, it affects the whole of who we are.

Anyone who plays a string instrument knows that they regularly get out of tune, another good metaphor for our lives, which also get out of tune from time to time. Getting out of tune is not a problem in and of itself unless we are not able (or willing) to hear or acknowledge when that happens. This column, along with all of our Wellness Compass resources, can help us hear when our lives are a bit off-key and support us in making the steps we need to re-tune. I have to re-tune my guitar regularly; I find that to be true for my overall well-being as well. 

And what's the goal of having an instrument or a life that is in tune? The goal, of course, is to make beautiful music and share that music with others--to sing, to dance, to laugh, to love, to forgive, to heal, and maybe even to do the Hokey Pokey.

I saw a bumper sticker recently that read, "What if the Hokey Pokey is what's all about?" Well, as much as I like having fun with the song, I'm pretty sure it's not what it's all about. But I am pretty sure of this: putting our whole selves in as we continue to tune and re-tune our lives is what it's all about.  

So thanks for singing along. Wellness is best experienced in community, so we hope you will visit and like our new Facebook page. You can find it HERE. We welcome your comments and ideas for future topics there. You can also share responses there to the "Making It Personal" questions below.  

Making It Personal Questions: (Each week, we will include a few questions to prompt self-reflection. We share them for you to journal perhaps or discuss or reflect upon as you think about how the topic for each week applies personally to your life).

How do you know if or when your well-being is "out of tune?"

Do you have any regular practices that help you keep yourself "in tune?"

Reflect on a recent time when you felt like you put "your whole self in." What can you learn from that experience?