Finding the Extraordinary in the Ordinary

Finding the Extraordinary in the Ordinary

Recently we were made aware of some wise advice from author William Martin shared for parents. Martin reminds us to celebrate the ordinary moments of life, for in so doing, we also realize that it is in those everyday moments that the extraordinary becomes known. His words are helpful not only for parents, but for all of us, so we would like to share them with you in this week's column.

Here is what Martin writes:

"Do not ask your children

to strive for extraordinary lives.

Such striving may seem admirable,

but it is the way of foolishness.

Help them instead to find the wonder

and the marvel of an ordinary life.

Show them the joy of tasting

tomatoes, apples and pears.

Show them how to cry

when pets and people die.

Show them the infinite pleasure

in the touch of a hand.

And make the ordinary come alive for them.

The extraordinary will take care of itself."

These words remind us of a quote from Mother Teresa. When Mother Teresa was doing her work of caring for lepers in India, she often had volunteers from around the world that would come and help. When it was time for the volunteers to return home, they would ask her, "How can we do something when we get home that is as extraordinary as what you are doing here?" Her response was simple and direct, "Not all of us can do great things, but we all can do small things with great love."

The small, ordinary things we do every day as parents, friends, partners, spouses, colleagues, and neighbors, especially when done with attentiveness and love, are what make life extraordinary.

Is there some small thing you can do this week that, when done with great love, just might make an extraordinary difference in someone’s life?

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on this concept of finding the extraordinary in the ordinary. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Replacing Judgment with Curiosity

Replacing Judgment with Curiosity

We love hearing from our readers (and listeners of our podcast), so we were delighted to hear from many of you this week. Last week we wrote about the importance of listening to our inner teacher, and several readers wrote back sharing a similar challenge. They wrote about how when they pause long enough to listen to what their inner teacher might be saying to them, they end up hearing the loud and negative voice of their inner critic instead.  

A good teacher, coach, or leader certainly, at times, needs to offer critique. The key is to provide it in a way that is growth-producing and not in a way that is shaming and diminishes a person’s confidence. The same is true with our inner critic. For example, if I agree to do a favor for a friend and then drop the ball and let my friend down, it’s healthy for me to critique myself and learn from what happened, but not to shame myself and forget about all of the times I have been there for them. 

Curiosity is key to learning and growth. So in the example above, I can shift from criticism to becoming curious about why I didn’t follow through on my promise to my friend. By doing this, I might realize that I am busy and overwhelmed with too many tasks, or that I often say “yes” when I can’t or don’t want to, or I might have some other important insight. Burying myself in criticism will not help me learn or change.

When we shift our criticism to curiosity, it becomes an opportunity for our inner teacher to instruct us. This is good advice for relating to others as well. If we tweak the example above and imagine a scenario where a friend doesn’t follow through on something they committed to doing and lets us down., we can see that this wisdom also applies. We may at first feel angry and critical of our friend and want to distance ourselves from them. If we can work to shift to curiosity, though, we might wonder, “That’s not like them to drop the ball. I wonder what else might be happening in their life that caused this.” Such a thought may lead us to reach out and check in with our friend, which might strengthen our friendship.  

Making it Personal Questions

1. Is there some way in which you are being too critical of yourself or someone else right now?

2. How might curiosity help you begin to shift to a place where you can learn, instead of judge?

3. What could you start to do this week to help you make that happen?

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on this concept of shifting from judgment to curiosity. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Listening to Your Inner Teacher

Listening to Your Inner Teacher

Welcome back to the second season of our Wellness Compass Column and Podcast. We follow the school year schedule, and so this is the first column of our second season. We look forward to connecting with you weekly throughout the school year after taking the summer off. We are renewed and are excited to be back together with you, as we all seek to navigate our lives and our relationships with greater awareness and intention.

When we started our non-profit Wellness Compass Initiative fourteen years ago, our team never dreamed it would become what it is today. Tens of thousands of people all around the world now use our resources. We are honored to know and support so many people who care about their own wellness and about helping others with theirs.

In this season of students returning to school, we see our initiative, and all who use our resources, as one very large classroom, where we are all students and teachers seeking to learn how to live into greater wellness. While we each have many teachers from whom we can and do learn, each one of us has one special teacher that is the most important of all, and that is the inner teacher that resides in every one of us.

As therapists, when we work with individuals, couples, and families, we usually ask them in the first or second session, “What ideas do you already have about something different you want to do, or is there a change that if made would help you feel better?” When asked this question, people always have some sort of an answer, an answer that comes from listening to their inner teacher.

We have created several different self-assessment tools (adult, parent, and teen) that help people listen more closely to  their lives. These self-assessments are meant to help us listen to the whispering of what our inner teacher is quietly saying to us. (If you are interested, you can find these self-assessments HERE and they are in English and Spanish).

Please feel free to invite others to join our Wellness Compass classroom as wellness is best learned and practiced in community. And most importantly, please remember to take time to listen to your (inner) teacher.

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on this concept of your inner teacher. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

The Power of Planting Seeds

"Gardening is therapy for me" is a comment we have heard more than once this spring, not just from avid gardeners, but from people just now getting into gardening as well. Many people first discovered the joy of gardening during time spent at home during the pandemic, and most have stayed with it. One study, in fact, reports that 18 million new people started gardening during the pandemic.

 We are still celebrating May as Mental Health Awareness Month, and so it is worth noting the many aspects of wellness that gardening affects. In addition to being good "therapy," it positively impacts one's physical and spiritual well-being and often positively affects relationships and stress resilience as well.  

  This prompted us to do an informal survey of gardeners in the last few weeks. Here is a list of several things people identified regarding what they are learning through the act of gardening and how it affects their overall well-being.

*I'm learning patience and the ability to delay gratification.

*That planning ahead is both necessary and wise.

*There are factors we can control and many we cannot.

*You literally do reap what you sow.

*Our souls are nourished by creating and growing things.

*Physical labor and time outside are good for my mental health.

*It is good to remember the true source of our food and that food does not originate in a grocery store.  

*I'm being reminded of the power of planting and nurturing seeds to create future good.

*The process is as satisfying as the outcome. 

*Gardens create community. (shared by a person whose church hosts a garden for their community)

*At the same time, others reported that they love their "alone" time in their garden and that it brings them peace.

* It's amazing and powerful to see what a small seed can grow into with watering and good soil!

*Gardening keeps me humble. (Did you know that the word "humble" is related to the word "humus," which means earth?)

 Our informal survey reveals why interest in gardening is…..growing (we couldn't resist that one!) and how beneficial it is to our overall well-being. 

 Planting and tending seeds may not be the answer to all of life's problems, but applying the lessons we learn from doing so can go a long way in helping us grow our personal well-being and the well-being of our wider communities.  

Making It Personal: 

1. If you are a gardener, what lessons have you learned from your practice of growing things?

2. Looking back over your life, can you see where a seed you planted years ago continues to bear fruit in your life today?

3. Is there a seed, literal or metaphorical, that you want to plant right now in your life or your community?

*Please note that this weekly column and its weekly companion podcast will return the first Friday after Labor Day. We started this new mental health column and podcast right after Labor Day, 2021, and so this marks the end of our first "season." We will be taking the summer off to plant some new seeds for new projects and to take some time off for vacation.

We thank you for your support and feedback and, most importantly, for being on this journey of well-being together. Have a great summer, and we will see you again in September. 

Graduating From Our Comfort Zones

Graduating From Our Comfort Zones

Many of us know someone who is graduating this spring. Perhaps you have been invited to a party to celebrate the graduate's achievement. Graduation is a rite of passage that merits celebrating an individual's perseverance in achieving their goals. Graduation is also a transition and rite of passage for loved ones closest to the graduate as they face a new chapter in their lives.  

Amidst all the joy and celebration surrounding graduation, other emotions like anxiety and loss are often easy to overlook. We know and even expect that anxiety and loss are feelings that will accompany transitions that are neither planned nor desired, such as a sudden job loss, a death of a loved one, or a health crisis. The fact is, though, that even transitions that we plan and wish for can also create great feelings of anxiety and loss. Shifts of this kind include retirement, moving, getting married, starting a new job, welcoming a new member into the family, and graduation.  

Positive transitions can also be challenging because, as with all significant life changes, they involve a person leaving what for them has been a comfort zone. Any time we step out of our comfort zone, we are bound to feel a whole range of emotions, from excitement to loss. Stepping out like this is the only way that growth can happen, and so that's why graduates and others desiring to grow are willing to take that step. 

While we celebrate graduations in this month of May, we also continue to remember that it is Mental Health Awareness month. One way to bring these two together is to be intentional about supporting our graduates' mental health by anticipating, accepting, and normalizing the full range of emotions they and those closest to them may be experiencing. 

An essential part of mental health awareness is helping people be more comfortable with the full range of feelings and emotions they are experiencing. A simple way to express the importance of being comfortable with emotions that we typically find unpleasant is the idea to "name it, claim it, frame it, and tame it." When we help graduates understand that, as with all meaningful life transitions, both pleasant and challenging emotions are a normal part of the experience, we provide them with a more expansive and helpful frame within which to name, claim, and tame the full range of emotions they are experiencing. 

So to any graduates that may read this column, we celebrate you! Take time to honor your achievements and also take time to honor the full range of feelings you (and your loved ones) may be having as you step into the next stage of growth in your life.  

Making It Personal:

Do you know a graduate that you can celebrate and support as they transition to the next stage of their lives? Are you currently in the midst of stepping out of a comfort zone in your life? If so, how can you best support your mental health and well-being through this time of transition?  

**We also want to let you know that we will be taking a break this summer after next week's column and podcast. This will give us some time for vacation and the needed bandwidth to focus on a few other projects that need our attention. We will resume our weekly column and podcast right after Labor Day. 

Mental Health Awareness Month

Mental Health Awareness Month

May is Mental Health Awareness month. Because we are both mental health professionals who co-direct a foundation that creates materials to support mental health, we often get invited to offer programs this month. Usually, these gatherings are for organizations that want to acknowledge and promote the importance of mental health, either for their employees or the people they serve.

We talk about many things in our presentations, including normalizing mental health challenges, seeking professional help, and understanding the enormous toll the pandemic has taken on almost everyone’s mental health.  

There is one exercise we led a week ago during one of our presentations that we would like to share with you now. We introduce this exercise by saying that one of the most critical points of Mental Health Awareness Month is to remind each of us to be more proactive and pay greater attention to and care for our own mental health.  

For this exercise, we invite the participants to create two lists of activities or habits with us. The first list is activities or habits that deplete or diminish their mental health, and the second is a list of activities that enhance their mental health. The group co-creates the lists right then during the presentation. 

Topping the first list of things that diminish their mental health are usually things like: not getting enough sleep, too much time on social media and/or screens, complaining too much, drinking too much, binge-watching TV, any kind of numbing behavior, working too many hours, and spending too much time with negative people.

Topping the second list, things that enhance mental health usually are things like: spending time outside, time with pets, time with friends and family, meditation/mindfulness/prayer, good sleep habits, eating well, movement/exercise, yoga, journaling, knitting, reading spiritually uplifting material, asking for help when needed, and playing or listening to music.  

The final step of the exercise is crucial. After the lists are created, we ask the participants, “By a show of hands, how many of you wish you spent less time doing the things on the first list?” Usually, about 90% of their hands go up. And when we ask how may wish they spent more time on the second list, not surprisingly, the response is the same.

The point of the exercise is that each of us usually knows what enhances and what depletes our mental health. So the problem is not knowing what to do, but being more aware of the need to prioritize our need to regularly cultivate and grow our mental health. 

In many of our Wellness Compass resources and programs, we have a saying, “Whatever we pay attention to is what will grow.” To honor Mental Health Awareness month, let’s all be more aware of the importance of paying attention to and growing our mental health.  

Making It Personal:

1. How comfortable are you talking about mental health, either your own, or listening to others talk about theirs? 2. What would be on your personal list of things that either diminish or enhance your mental health? 3. What’s one thing from your “positive list” that you could do today or in the next few days to prioritize your mental health?

Family of Origin, Family of Creation

Family of Origin, Family of Creation

As we prepare to celebrate Mother’s Day, it seems like a good time to reflect on the two concepts of family of origin, and family of creation, topics that we talk about a great deal with people in our work as marriage and family therapists.

Our family of origin is the constellation of relationships in which we were raised. One way to think about it is that it is the school of life that we were enrolled in for the first eighteen years or so of our lives. We learned many life lessons in that school. Our teachers did their best to teach us what they knew.

When we work with clients, we hear the full range of reactions to what people experienced in their family of origin. Some want to take and repeat most things they experienced in that family. Others feel differently and commit to patterning their adult lives in ways that are not at all similar to how they were raised.

The concept of family of creation, on the other hand, is used to describe the web of relational bonds we form as adults. Children have little agency to change the patterns of the relational bonds in which they are raised. Adults, however, have much greater freedom to co-create the relational patterns in their lives. The relational bonds we form as adults are constantly evolving. And one of the gifts of growing older is that we can both nurture and deepen the relationships we currently have and embrace the many opportunities that emerge to form a continually expanding network of new relational bonds. 

Research and experience teach us that we will tend to repeat the relational patterns we learned in childhood unless we make a conscious and intentional effort to change them. For example, suppose you or I were raised in an environment where conflict was never openly discussed, or was often denied or swept under the rug. In that case, we are likely to repeat that pattern in our adult relationships unless we make a conscious effort not to do so.  

Last week we wrote about curiosity, and so it is in that spirit we invite you to take some time to reflect on the lessons you learned in your family of origin, and this week in particular, from the formative women in your life. Take a moment to celebrate the best of what you experienced and that you carry with you into your present life. Also, please take a moment to observe how you have added to those lessons, or perhaps even let some of them go as you have chosen to do things quite differently from how you were raised.  

And finally, be sure to take a moment to remember and appreciate the women who have been your teachers in this school we call life.  

Making It Personal:
1. What are some of the most valuable lessons you learned in your family of origin that continue to inform who you are today?

2. What ways have you evolved that are different from what you experienced in your family of origin?  

3. What opportunities are being presented to you right now to change or create new patterns in the relationships in your life?  

Curiosity and Happiness

Curiosity and Happiness

One of the reasons we love spending time with children is it gives us the chance to witness their constant curiosity. They are sponges who always want to learn more about the world around them. There is no limit, as you probably know, to how many times they can ask, "why?" 

Given children's inquisitive nature, it's not surprising that Curious George is one of the most successful series of all time, containing children's books, TV shows,  movies, and other materials. PBS KIDS now owns the rights to the Curious George tv shows, and here is how they describe why they continue to offer these videos to today's children.

“Aimed at preschoolers, "Curious George" inspires children to explore science, engineering, and math in the world around them. And what better guide is there for this kind of exploration than the world's most curious monkey? George lives to find new things to discover, touch, spill, and chew. Everything is new to George and worth investigating. Of course, in George's hands — all four of them — investigation often leads to unintended consequences! (From the PBS KIDS website).

We especially love the last line that curiosity and investigation "often leads to unintended consequences." As psychotherapists, we witness this regularly, as curiosity is one thing that enhances the well-being of individuals and relationships. When we work with an individual, couple, or family who is "stuck" in some way, we almost always find that they have lost their ability to be curious about their own life and/or their life together. When this is the case, we can almost always help them get "unstuck" by simply being curious about their situation with them. We wonder together why they are stuck. We dig deep with questions. To gain a deeper understanding of what is happening, we work together to ask "why" and to explore new ways of solving a problem.  

That's right, we follow the lead of Curious George and the example of young children by continuously asking why and constantly exploring new ways of doing or seeing things. And often, we, and the people we serve, are surprised by the "unintended consequences" that might include a new perspective, enhanced compassion, and understanding, integration of emotions that had been disowned, and greater self-compassion, to name a few.

Given the power of curiosity in helping people to heal, it is worth noting that the word curious comes from the same root as the words cure and care. To be curious is to care enough to get to know others (or yourself, for that matter) for who they really are, rather than simply assuming we already know who they are. Curiosity can also help us understand what they mean by their actions or statements. Remaining curious about another is a way to show we care and can have a healing effect on a relationship. 

Think for a moment how wonderfully caring it feels when others are curious enough to take the time to get to know you and who you really are. Or think of a time that you may have initially judged others, only to feel compassion towards them later after you learned more about what was actually going on in their lives.  

Our experience, both personally and professionally, repeatedly affirms the wisdom of the quote at the top of this column: "Curiosity is one of the great secrets of happiness."

Making It Personal

1. Do you see a connection between curiosity and happiness?

2. Can you think of a time when your being judgmental got in the way of being curious about yourself or another?

3. What are you curious about in your life right now? 

Be an Encourager

Be an Encourager

With the weather turning warmer, we got our bikes out of the garage this week to go for a ride. We were so excited to get going that it wasn’t until we were a few blocks from home that we realized that our tires needed air. We returned home, pumped up the tires, and wow, what a difference it made both in comfort and ease of effort.  

Because we are both family therapists and we think about stuff like this, when we returned from our ride, we joked about how our experience with pumping up our tires was a metaphor for the power of encouraging one another. Any of us can use a little air in our tires, a little extra encouragement from time to time, to make our travels a bit less bumpy. Just as over a long winter, the air slowly leaks out of bike tires, life itself can slowly deflate our self-esteem and sense of well-being. When this happens, expressions of encouragement can go a long way in pumping up our emotional “tires.” 

Be an encourager. The first three words in the quote in the box above by Dave Willis are so simple that it would be easy to miss their power. Offering encouraging words to your child, partner, friend, colleague, family member, or even a stranger, is so simple, and we can often see the positive effect immediately. It’s that easy and that powerful.

The word “courage” derives from the same root as the Latin word for heart, “cor,’ and in Old French, the word “corage.” The prefix “en” means “to cause to be in,” or “to put in” and so together we can see that to encourage another person means to put heart into that person. Think of that the next time you text someone a heart emoji, a beautiful and simple expression of love and encouragement. Think of it also the next time you give a bit of your heart to someone who is in need of your support.

Your encouragement might be just the air they need in their tires to make their ride just a little smoother and easier right now.  

Making It Personal. 

1. Is there someone in your life who could use some encouragement right now? Think of something specific you could do or say.

2. How could you be more accepting and encouraging of yourself? Again, think of something specific.

On this week’s Wellness Compass Podcast, a companion to this weekly column, we expand on the connection between how we encourage ourselves and how we encourage others. We also talk about how encouragement looks a little different when we are offering our support to someone who is experiencing a profound loss or is facing an extremely difficult challenge.  You can find the podcast on this website or in your favorite podcast app.

Hope Amidst the Mud

Hope Amidst the Mud

We live in Wisconsin, and like other places with northern climates, we have five seasons each year. Our fifth occurs between winter and spring and is known as the "mud season." If we need an image of the name for this extra season, we need only look at our mud-caked hiking shoes inside our back door, removed and left there to dry after a walk in the woods this past weekend. Or we can look out the window and observe the thirty-degree swings in temperature that often occur day-to-day, never knowing if we will see rain, snow, or sunshine. 

There is a muddiness in the broader world right now that is so much more profound than anything related to the weather. The unspeakable violence and suffering we are witnessing in Ukraine and closer to home can create enormous swings of emotions in us day to day, or even hour to hour.  

As mental health professionals, we know from our experience and our research that the presence of hope within a person has a profound effect on their resilience in the midst of such challenging times and on their overall well-being. And so, right now, the question, really the challenge we hear from many people we talk with, is about how a person goes about nurturing and sustaining hope amidst so much suffering. 

We believe that hope is like a muscle, it is not something that we either have or don't have, but instead, it is something that can be exercised and strengthened. In our Wellness Compass Model for Well-being, we address eight areas of wellness, and one of those areas is spirituality. 

Hope is often grounded and nurtured in our spirituality. Many people, but certainly not all, express their spirituality through a particular religious faith. In that light, it is worth noting that three of the world's great religions are celebrating holy days amidst the suffering and challenges facing our world right now. Ramadan, Passover, and Easter are all being observed across the globe. 

None of these religions minimize the reality of suffering. Each of these faiths acknowledges the presence of profound suffering, and yet it is in the midst of it that they each proclaim hope. So, for example, we read the words of the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., "We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."

Mud season is real. Suffering happens in the world and our lives, as we are reminded all too often. Hope, though, doesn't just happen; instead, it needs to be developed, practiced, and sustained, even when it is hard. In our twenty-minute podcast that is a companion to this column, we talk about some practices that nurture hope. (See the link to the right to listen to the podcast).

Sometimes hope springs forth all at once, symbolized by an unexpected sunny seventy-five-degree day in Wisconsin in April. More often than not, it appears as a small glimpse of a new crocus or daffodil just beginning to peek its head up through the soil on a cold and rainy day. In both cases, the hope is there, yet sometimes, we have to look closely to see it, given all the mud surrounding it. 

Making It Personal: What helps you sustain hope in the midst of challenging and uncertain times? What role does your spirituality play in grounding hope for you? Is there anything specific you want to do right now to nourish your spirit and sense of hope? 

Take Responsibility for Your Emotional Wake

Take Responsibility for Your Emotional Wake

We invite you to bring to mind a person who creates positive and life-giving energy for you. This could be a person from your present life or your past; a friend, a family member, a classmate, or a colleague. The person might be living or may have passed away. Bring that person to mind and pause for a moment to experience what it feels like to remember that person.

Today we are focusing on the concept of an "emotional wake." One way to understand this concept is to realize that what you were feeling just a moment ago when you remembered the person who has positively affected you is the emotional wake they have created in your life.

A boat traveling across the water leaves a wake as it leaves a trail of stirred-up water behind it. Similarly, we all leave an emotional wake as we interact with others, stirring up emotions in those around us. Those emotions can be positive, neutral, or negative. It is important to be aware of and take responsibility for the emotional wake we radiate out to others. 

This subject got us thinking back to a time when we were out enjoying an afternoon in our canoe, and a ski boat came close to us at a high rate of speed. The wake created by the boat was annoying enough, but what was probably even more upsetting to us was that the boater seemed to be oblivious to the wake they were making and that their action had almost tipped us over. This experience reminded us that the emotional wakes we create can also impact others without our even being aware.

On the twenty-minute podcast that is a companion to this column (click the link below to listen), we talk about what we have learned from our experience to help ensure that we create a positive emotional wake in our interactions with others. In summary, we mention being aware of others' feelings, being a good listener who is encouraging and kind, being fully present (putting away distractions), being appreciative of others, and having a positive, hopeful attitude. And as we say on the podcast, no one person has these qualities all the time, but creating a positive emotional wake involves being aware of the impact we are having on those around us and being intentional about the energy we put out into the world. 

Making It Personal (prompts to enhance your personal and relational well-being).

1. When you think of someone who has left a positive emotional wake in your life, what can you learn from what they did to create that feeling?

2. In general, what kind of overall emotional wake do you think you are creating most of the time?

3. Based on your answer to #2, is there anything you want to do differently going forward?

Knowing When to Call a Time Out

Knowing When to Call a Time Out

I (Scott) received more than my fair share of time-outs when I was a kid. Sitting still in school was a challenge for me, and I felt bored much of the time. As a result, I was often given a time-out and had to endure the, in my mind, excruciating experience of sitting in the hall with nothing to do. In high school, it meant I had to occasionally go to a silent study hall during my lunch hour. From my vantage point, this was clearly an” example of cruel and unusual punishment,” although I do remember getting a lot of work done in those silent study halls.

We assume many of us may have some sort of a negative association with time-outs, as we imagine that most of us have at some point been asked to sit on a step or on our bed to think about our being mean, disrespectful, or breaking a rule. As teenagers, we may also remember being grounded, which is just a prolonged time-out. It’s too bad that many of our associations with time-outs are negative, as taking time away is a crucial ingredient to our well-being and is a helpful tool for all of us to have ready for use when we need it.

The March Madness of the NCAA Women’s and Men’s Basketball Tournaments are in full swing and provide the perfect opportunity for us to rethink how we view the role of a time-out. There will be at least one stretch of time in every game when a team is starting to lose control. Shots that were going in easily earlier are now missing the mark, passes are not connecting, and mistakes, stress, and anxiety are escalating. . It is precisely at such a moment that the team’s coach will wisely call a time-out.

The purpose of such a pause in the game is positive and proactive. It is a time to help the players take a deep breath, and reset their game plan, often with valuable perspective and input from the coach. There is nothing punitive about these time-outs; in fact, the players are usually grateful for the chance to regroup. Once the players are back on the court, it is fascinating to see what a positive difference in performance a time out can make.

A positive use of such breaks is not just good for basketball players. Overwhelmed parents have long known the importance of breathing in and counting to ten, thus creating an internal time-out for themselves. They recognize its helpfulness in calming themselves down when they are feeling emotionally flooded. The parental wisdom of the “power of the pause” is good for any of us, especially when we find ourselves “missing too many of our easy shots” or seeing our mistakes and anxiety escalating.

The use of time-outs in schools has evolved. They now teach children the value of taking personal time-outs proactively, much as sports teams do. They are teaching children how to pause and practice mindfulness and how a positive time-out can be helpful no matter what the age.

Every basketball team has a limited number of time-outs to use in each game. However, the rest of us are fortunate to have an unlimited supply, and we can use them whenever needed, knowing that a well-timed time-out can enhance our performance and get us back in the flow with renewed focus and energy.

Making It Personal Prompts:

1. How do you recognize when it’s time for you to take a time-out?

2.  How do you take time-outs and what works well for you?

3.  Are you in a need of a time-out right now and, if so, how might you take one soon?

Letting Go and Holding On

Letting Go and Holding On

Life is a dance of letting go and holding on, a lesson I (Holly) learned again recently when my “second mom,” Judy or Mom, passed away peacefully at the age of 91. I call her my second mom because my creation mom passed away from cancer when I was eight, and Judy came into my life a year later when she married my dad. After all these years, I have come to realize that no matter how many times, and ways, we have done the dance of letting go and holding on, it is always difficult. Yet, at the same time, there is an opportunity for us to learn much in the midst of such difficulty.

Mom taught me a great deal about how to let go with grace. She accepted her gradual diminishment over the last year of her life without complaining. She didn’t hide her suffering but was always sure to frame it in a larger context, as she continuously reminded all who visited just how much she was grateful for in all the ups and downs that she had experienced in her long life.

Holding on may seem like the opposite of letting go, and it is often. But there are also times when letting go and holding on are happening simultaneously, which our family experienced with Mom’s passing. As she accepted that she was dying and let go of her final beloved possessions and any measures to prolong her life, she also held fast to her faith, her family, and her cherished memories and many, many fascinating stories.

And as we now let her go, we at the same time hold on to every memory and story she shared with us over so many years. 

The pandemic has given us plenty of opportunities and challenges to practice letting go. Some of us have lost loved ones to COVID. We all have had to let go of something, be it a person, job, routine, plan, or something else. Sometimes we have chosen to let go; other times, we have been given no choice but to do so. And at the same time, many of us have found ourselves clarifying and holding on more strongly to what matters most to us.  

As we write this, winter is gradually letting go of its grip here in Wisconsin, where we live. This helps us to remember that to everything, there is a season…a season to let go and a season to hold on…and sometimes, a season to do both.

Making It Personal:

1. Do you find yourself having to let go of something right now?

2. Do you find yourself wanting to or choosing to let go of something right now?

3. In the midst of things you are letting go of, what do you find yourself needing and wanting to hold on to more firmly?

The Shelter of Each Other

The Shelter of Each Other

In honor of St. Patrick's Day, we are celebrating Irish wisdom by sending out our weekly column a day earlier than usual. The Irish are known for their pithy words of wisdom, which we believe are relevant to this column's wellness focus. In no particular order, here are a few of our favorite Irish sayings. Read them carefully and consider for yourself just what each might mean for you in your life. 

May you have the hindsight to know where you've been, the foresight to know where you are going, and the insight to know when you have gone too far.

You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your parents were.

A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures.

It's easy to halve the potato where there's love.

A little fire that warms is better than a big fire that burns.

Your feet will bring you where your heart is.

You'll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind.

And here's our favorite one of all:

It is in the shelter of each other that the people live.

We invite you to share your favorite Irish saying or blessing with us by replying to this email or posting on our Facebook page.  

In addition to their wise sayings, the Irish are also known for their blessings. We close with a beautiful Irish blessing that speaks to the many kinds of shelter we can offer to one another when we are generous and loving.

May you always have

Walls for the winds

A roof for the rain

Tea beside the fire

Laughter to cheer you

Those you love near you

And all your heart might desire.

This week's Wellness Compass podcast expands on several of these Irish sayings, talking about what wisdom they provide for our well-being. You can listen to the podcast HERE.

Making It Personal:

1. Which of these Irish says speaks to you the most?

2. What does the idea that, "it is in the shelter of each other that the people live" mean to you?

3. Is there another piece of Irish wisdom, or perhaps wisdom from your own culture, that speaks to you about well-being?

Choosing the Power of Love Over the Love of Power

Choosing the Power of Love Over the Love of Power

The quote above dreams of a time when we finally come to recognize that the power of love is greater than the love of power. With the horror of what's going on in Ukraine right now, this reality may seem far off. And yet, to paraphrase Martin Luther King, we still believe that the arc of the moral universe may be long, but it bends toward love, justice, and peace.

Many of us are privileged to have never experienced the devastating violence of war, yet are impacted by it nevertheless. And so, in such times, we turn to the wisdom of spiritual leaders, those whose faith has been tested by the trials of war and violence, for solace and hope. Two such spiritual leaders passed away this past year, who lived through violent times in their own countries, Thich Nhat Hanh and Desmond Tutu. When these two spiritual teachers spoke of the power of love being greater than the love of power, we listened. We invite you too, to hear what they have to say.

"Our maturity will be judged by how well we are able to agree to disagree and yet continue to love one another, to care for one another, and cherish one another and seek the greater good of the other."  Desmond Tutu

"Human beings are not our enemy. Our enemy is not the other person. Our enemy is the violence, ignorance, and injustice in us and in the other person. When we are armed with compassion and understanding, we fight not against other people, but against the tendency to invade, to dominate, and to exploit." Thich Nhat Hanh.  

The two of us are marriage and family therapists. While we can't speak with any authority about world affairs, we can speak from our decades of experience as teachers and therapists about what contributes to conflict and peace. When it comes to our personal and interpersonal wellness, the power of love is truly more potent than the love of power. Never is the love of power better than the power of love, be it in the intimacy of our homes and families, in our relationships at school or work, in our communities, our countries, and the world. Love and respect are the foundations of peace and well-being.

The universal reaction of horror to what is happening in Ukraine speaks of our knowing without question that the love of power is morally wrong. Our hope is that our outrage and sorrow can be a reminder for each of us to do our part in our corners of the universe, to be people who live by the power of love and not the love of power. 

Making It Personal:

1. What speaks to you in the quote from Desmond Tutu and Thich Nhat Hanh?

2. What helps you choose the power of love rather than the love of power?

3. What concretely can you do this week to show those around you that you believe in the power of love?

We Don't Talk About...

We Don't Talk About.…

A Disney movie was the last place we expected to find powerful and profound insight about what happens when families avoid having difficult conversations. And yet that is just what we discovered when we recently sat down and watched their latest movie entitled, "Encanto." 

We promise not to share too many details about the movie, in case you haven't watched it yet. Even if you haven't seen the movie, you may have heard the song "We Don't Talk About Bruno," one of the many popular tunes from the film. (You can listen to it HERE). The title of this song describes an all too common way people avoid difficult or unpleasant conversations, which is to adopt an attitude of "we don't talk about ……." In "Encanto," the reason for shunning the family member named Bruno is that he has dared to speak of things the family doesn't want to think about, let alone discuss. His family instead pretends that he doesn't exist, trying to ignore the problem rather than face the truth he has spoken. 

It is not unusual for groups of people (families, friends, organizations, etc.) to have unwritten rules about things that should not be discussed. Some common examples are: 

"We don't talk about conflict."

"We don't talk about money."

"We don't talk about how much so and so drinks."

"We don't talk about our feelings."

"We don't talk about religion, sex, or politics."  

It is easy to internalize these unwritten rules as simply a given that can't be questioned if everyone silently agrees to follow them as a way of keeping a false sense of peace. The paradox is that not talking about something difficult usually makes it worse, as the suppressed emotions build in intensity. So not talking about conflict, for example, almost always guarantees the conflict will eventually spill out in a way that is likely hurtful to all involved.

We don't think it's too much of a spoiler to let you know that "Encanto" has a happy ending. After all, it is a Disney movie. The hopeful ending is made possible because the Madrigals (Bruno's family) learn to, in the words of the Brené Brown quote above, "Be brave enough to start a conversation that matters." 

It does indeed take courage to start such conversations. But if you have any doubt about the healing effects of taking such a risk, then make time soon to watch "Encanto." Before long, you too will be singing along with the soundtrack (written by Lin Manuel Miranda), and maybe, just maybe, you will find yourself becoming a little braver when it comes to talking about hard things.

Making It Personal:

1. Are you aware of any unwritten rules you have internalized about things that one should avoid discussing?

2. Can you think of a time when you or someone you care about took the risk to start a difficult conversation? What did you learn from that experience?

3. Is there a conversation you want to start with someone right now? If so, what is the first step you need to take to do so?

What You Appreciate, Appreciates

What You Appreciate, Appreciates

A few weeks ago, we wrote about several specific things we can do to strengthen any relationship. One of the things we mentioned was the simple practice of showing appreciation. This week we want to expand a little more on this because we know that, while simple, it is easy to forget the importance of offering appreciation regularly and freely.

  It is worth noting that the root for the word appreciation also serves as a root for the words precious, price, and praise. This helps us realize that when we praise someone, we help them feel precious and increase their sense of value and self-worth.  

  When we think of the act of showing appreciation, we find it helpful to think of a continuum. The person who has a habit of actively and regularly showing appreciation is on the far right side of the continuum. On the other end, the far left side is someone who is instead often critical and for whom depreciating others happens regularly. In the middle of the continuum—the neutral point—is a person who is neither appreciative nor critical. When we are at this neutral point, we are likely taking others for granted. In reality, we may feel appreciative of others but rarely make the effort to express it, so others never know.  

  Imagine taking a potted plant in a shady corner of the room and moving it in front of a southern-facing window on a bright sunny day. Soon you will see the plant stretching tall and opening up to the sunlight. Appreciation has the same effect on people. But don't just take our word for it. Try it yourself, and notice how gradually the person you are showing appreciation to opens up their heart to you and may even stand just a little bit taller.  

Here are some examples of the principle of "what we appreciate, appreciates." 

If we tell a child how precious they are to us simply because we want them to know how much we love them, we will likely see their face light up, if not their whole body.

If we let someone know we appreciate their efforts to face a complex challenge, we will increase their self-confidence and commitment to keep working to overcome their challenge.

If we express our gratitude and appreciation for something that someone does for another, we encourage more acts of kindness.

When we call someone who is alone and who could use a little appreciation, we make them feel cared about and likely make their day.

We are sure you can think of additional examples from your own life of how "what we appreciate, appreciates," and we encourage you to do so.

We want to express how much we appreciate you! Thank you for reading our column each week (and for those who listen to our companion podcast, thank you also), and thank you for the feedback you often give to us. It means the world to us, and please know will never take that for granted.

Making It Personal Prompts:

1. In general, where would you place yourself on the continuum of being critical—taking for granted (neutral)—being appreciative? Are you happy with your response?

2. Can you think of a time when you experienced the power of appreciation—either when you expressed appreciation to someone else or when someone appreciated you? How did it feel?

3. Is there a specific person in your life that you would like to offer more appreciation to right now?

The Gift of Listening

The Gift of Listening

Last week's column talked about the importance of nurturing our relationships on a regular basis, remembering that the "grass is always greener where we water it." We talked about three specific ways to strengthen any relationship: listening, expressing appreciation, and making time to play and have fun together. This week's column focuses on the gift of listening.

Listening is a skill that can be learned and developed, just like any other skill. With attention and intention, we can all become better listeners. In high school and college, we both remember how we attended several classes which focused on public speaking, but neither of us can recall a class that focused on being a better listener.  

If we have any doubt about how valuable the gift of listening is, we only need to remember back to a time when someone extended the gift of deep, authentic listening to us. This may have been a time when someone listened not just to our words but the feelings beneath the words. How did that feel? Chances are, we felt like our spirits had been lifted, and both our well-being and our relationship with the person who offered us the gift of listening were both a bit greener due to this watering we were given.  

Because we are marriage and family therapists, people reach out to us to talk about what's on their minds. During the pandemic, people have often said, "I don't expect you or anyone else to solve my challenges. And I don't need advice or superficial positivity. Mostly I just need someone to listen. I want to feel heard and understood." Don't we all long for this?

Valentines Day has come and gone, and the need to nurture and care for our relationships with our friends, families, colleagues, and neighbors remains. And one of the best ways any of us can do that is to offer others the simple gift of deep and authentic listening.  

Making It Personal (We offer these prompts to help you listen more deeply to what emerges for you as you reflect on what you have read).

1. Are you aware of any habits that interfere with you being a good listener, such as interrupting, giving advice, being distracted by screens, or multitasking?

2. What's one thing you could do differently to be a better listener?

3. To whom might you work at being a better listener this week?

The Grass is Greener Where We Water It

The Grass is Greener Where We Water It

With Valentine’s Day approaching, it is only natural to reflect on the relationships in our lives, and not just romantic relationships, but on all of our life-nurturing connections. As marriage and family therapists, we talk with people regularly about repairing and strengthening their connections with others, and we know that few things impact the quality of our lives more than the health of our relationships.  

One of our favorite sayings about relationships is the quote above, “The grass is always greener where we water it.” The wisdom of this saying is that we are wise not to focus on finding greener pastures somewhere else, but instead to nurture and grow the vitality of the relationships we already have. This wisdom applies to caring for all areas of our lives, including our spiritual lives, the work we do in the world, caring for our bodies, as well as our actual gardens! Because like a garden, all relationships require regular watering and attention.

Here are three concrete ways we know water our connections with others. As you read these, you might find yourself thinking about a specific relationship that you would like to water right now. 

These three ideas are quite simple yet essential in maintaining healthy, long-term relationships. The simple act of doing these three things on a regular basis will have a profound positive effect on any and all of our relationships.  

The first is to show regular appreciation for and to the people we care about. No one has probably ever been wrong when they have said, “I sometimes take you and what you do for granted and don’t tell you enough how much I appreciate you.” Don’t just take our word about the power of appreciation. Try it today with someone and notice the immediate effect it has.

A second thing we can do to strengthen our connection with others is to be better listeners. On the weekly podcast that is a companion to this column, Holly tells a beautiful story of a time when her grandparents offered her a timely gift of listening when she was working as a student-teacher back in college. Even though this experience happened over forty years ago, you can tell when you listen to her talk about it just how important that gift of listening was for her, and how lovingly she still remembers it. Listening means that much to us.

Our last suggestion for watering our relationship is to remember the importance of having fun together. Play is not a nice “extra” in a relationship, but is essential to keeping relationships energized. Recreation is another word for play. We like to think of the word as “re-creation.” Every relationship we have created in our lives will benefit from intentional times of “re-creation” and reconnecting.

As we said, each of these three ideas is so simple, even obvious. What is not so simple is remembering to make them a regular habit. Good for you if these are already regular habits in your close relationships. If not, there is no time like today to make a new start, remembering that the grass is always greener where we water it.  

  Making It Personal

1. Is there someone, in particular, to whom you want to express more appreciation right now? How will you do that?

2. Is there someone to whom you want to more fully offer the gift of listening? When and how will you offer that gift?

3. What kind of fun activity might you want to plan with a family member or friend in the next week or so that would create positive and re-creative energy? 

The Serenity to Accept the Things We Cannot Change (#6 in Our 6-Part Series on Growth and Change)

The Serenity to Accept the Things We Cannot Change (#6 in Our 6-Part Series on Growth and Change)

  We complete our six-part series on understanding the process of growth and change by reflecting on a paraphrase of the opening words of the Serenity Prayer, written by Reinhold Niebuhr.  

"Seek the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, 

the courage to change the things you can, 

and the wisdom to know the difference."

The first five columns in this series (and accompanying podcast episodes) have been focused more on "the courage to change the things you can." This final column focuses more on the first part of the prayer, "the serenity to accept the things you cannot change."

One of the most influential spiritual teachers of our day passed away a few weeks ago. Thich Nhat Hanh wrote over thirty books about the practices of love, peace, and mindfulness. He is perhaps the person most responsible for introducing the benefits of mindfulness to the West, having first come and taught in the United States in the 1960s. He was a close friend of Martin Luther King and Thomas Merton. He taught and modeled the principles of love, peace, and serenity to all, never wanting to convert anyone to his Buddhist faith, but always wanting to help people live more fully the teachings of their own faith.  

For us, Thich Nhat Hahn's particular gift was his ability to fully acknowledge the pain and suffering that exists in the world and yet, at the same time, speak authentic words of how love, hope, and peace in the face of suffering. His writings articulate a deeply spiritual path to finding serenity in the face of things we cannot change. Yet it is important to add that, like Martin Luther King, he was a tireless advocate for changing the things that we can change, such as the societal conditions that add to injustice, conflict, and suffering.  

The pandemic has affected each of us differently. Some have experienced minimal loss and disruption, while others have experienced unfathomable stress and suffering. We all have had plenty of opportunities to practice finding serenity in the face of things we cannot change. An old joke says, "I asked God to give more patience and what I got was more opportunities to practice it!" Like this joke, we have all been given more than enough opportunities to practice and develop the spiritual practices of letting go and finding serenity amidst the many challenges we have faced over the last two years, particularly the ones we could not or cannot change.  

As we complete our six-part series, we want to remember that opportunities to change and grow come in many forms. Sometimes they come as things we can change, but require our courage and commitment. Other times they present as opportunities to find the serenity to accept the things we cannot change. And always it involves developing the wisdom to know the difference. 

We close with a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh and our usual "Making It Personal" questions.

"Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today," Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life.

Making It Personal:

1. What has helped you find peace when facing challenges that seem unchangeable in the past?

2. What challenge or suffering are you experiencing right now that falls into the category of "things you cannot change"? What is helping you find serenity in the midst of that challenge?

3. Is there something more you would like to do to enhance your capacity to accept things you cannot change right now?