Acceptance and Change

Acceptance and Change

The simple and profound words from the opening of the Serenity Prayer (found in the quote box above) resonate as deeply for people today as when they were written in 1943 by Reinhold Niebuhr. While the words are simple and profound, living them is much more challenging. This is especially true when an unplanned change or loss occurs, or when there is something in our lives that we worry about but can do little, if anything, about it. At such times, we may wonder what it means to find serenity.

The prayer points out that there are three crucial steps to finding serenity:

• Acceptance

• Changing what we can change

• Having the wisdom to know the difference.

As marriage and family therapists, we often have the honor of talking with people struggling with some sort of concern. Typically, when a person is worried about someone or something, they put their energy into trying to change the other person or the situation. When we are in a similar situation, it is easy to think that we can't find serenity until or unless something in our life changes. If this is the only way we can frame the situation, then our serenity becomes dependent on factors we can't control. It is helpful to remember that we can both work for change in a relationship or situation and focus on managing our own worry or reactivity.

It is worth remembering that the only person we can change or control in a relationship or situation is ourselves. 

While the Serenity Prayer was not written for Alcoholics Anonymous and other recovery groups, it has been widely adopted by them. People in recovery know a thing or two about things they cannot change and the things they can.

May we all be reminded once again of the wisdom of this prayer to help us find serenity and wisdom in the midst of life's challenges. 

Making It Personal:

1. Are you dealing with something painful that is beyond your control right now?

2. If you are, what helps you to find serenity and acceptance?

3. Is there a challenge you are having in a relationship or situation that could benefit from you having the courage to change?

(Today’s column on the wellness area of “Stress Resilience” is the seventh in an eight-part series that will explore the eight areas of wellness that are part of the Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being.)

To explore your own well-being in the eight areas of wellness, you may be interested in downloading our newest FREE resource, The Adult Wellness Compass Notebook. This workbook is perfect for either individual or group use, and is a tool for self-reflection, learning, and goal setting. Click HERE to download and enjoy.

*Our episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on the topic of acceptance, change, serenity, and resilience. You can listen in your favorite podcast app—just search for The Wellness Compass, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

And speaking of podcasts, Scott has launched a new podcast that is just him speaking about a topic that he is passionate about, the integration of spirituality and wellness. This newly launched LIving Compass Podcast can be found HERE or in your favorite podcast app.

When "I'm FINE" Could Mean Something Very Different

When “I’m Fine” Might Mean Something Else

There are times when a person either isn’t aware of what they are feeling, or has no interest in letting you know what they are experiencing. At such a time, if you ask that person what or how they are feeling, a response you might get is, “I’m FINE!” It’s a shorthand way of saying they want privacy or to be left alone with their feelings and thoughts.

When any of us hears a person emphatically stating that they are “FINE,” we can probably assume that their “FINE” stands for an acronym: Feelings In Need of Expression. Most likely, they have something going on in their life that involves emotions they are not ready or able to share. We often remind people that our emotions are not good or bad, right or wrong. They simply are. How we handle our feelings, though, can be something that promotes our well-being or not.

One of the hallmarks of emotional wellness is the capacity to both be aware of and express the full range of our emotions—not telling ourselves that we are fine, even when we are not. There is so much we can learn about ourselves and others when we become fully comfortable with our emotions and the energy we feel within us. This is the wisdom of the photo quote above, “Our emotions don’t create problems; they contain the exact genius we need to solve them.” 

We are not born knowing how to handle our emotions; a fact any parent of a young child or even a teen knows all too well. Over time, we learn ways to manage our feelings from our primary caretakers and the socialization we get from the culture around us. If we are fortunate to have had good teachers, we have a better chance of knowing how to handle our emotions well. If we did not, the good news is we can always learn new and more effective ways to manage and grow our emotional well-being. 

We also remind people that there is a clear correlation between how comfortable we are with our own emotions and our level of comfort with the emotions of others. For example, suppose a person is uncomfortable feeling and expressing their own feelings of sadness or loss. In that case, it is improbable that they will be able to be empathetic and present to others when they need to express feelings of sadness. 

When working with clients, people often report that they are comfortable expressing some emotions while they struggle to express other feelings. Some say they can feel and express anger, but sadness and vulnerability are difficult for them. Others say the opposite—they are comfortable expressing sadness, but not anger. Some report that they rarely or never heard the words “I love you” as a child, so they now have difficulty verbally expressing those feelings today. And still, others learned to say “I’m FINE” rather than express their strong emotions. 

As we said, we can always learn new ways to enhance our awareness and capacity to express our emotions. When it comes to handling emotions, we are all life-long learners. Some form of mindfulness in which we merely observe our emotions without judgment, trying to learn from what they are saying to us, may help in this area. Even journaling regularly about our emotions may help us get better in touch with them, which can, in turn, enhance our ability to share them with others.

Sometimes it isn’t the right time to express our emotions, and so a response of “I’m FINE” can be appropriate. But if that is the only response we know and the only tool we have in our emotional toolkit, we will be wise to expand our learning. Feelings do need to be examined, honored, and expressed so that we can be more positively connected with ourselves and others. 

Making It Personal:

1. Is there a particular emotion that is challenging for you to express? 

2. Is there a specific emotion that makes you uncomfortable when expressed by others? 

3. Do you see a connection between your two answers to these questions? 

   (Today’s column on the wellness area of “Handling Emotions” is the sixth in an eight-part series that will explore the eight areas of wellness that are part of the Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being.)

To explore your own well-being in the eight areas of wellness, you may be interested in downloading our newest FREE resource, The Adult Wellness Compass Notebook. This workbook is perfect for either individual or group use, and is a tool for self-reflection, learning, and goal setting. Click HERE to download and enjoy.

*Our episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on the topic of emotional wellness. You can listen in your favorite podcast app—just search for The Wellness Compass, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

To Stand in Love

Standing in Love

As Valentine's Day approaches, the topic of love will, of course, be the center of attention, with a primary focus on the feelings associated with love. Thought will be given to how to create the feeling of love, sustain it, and rekindle the feeling if it begins to fade. 

We are taking a little different approach. We are not going to focus on the feelings of love on Valentine's Day, but instead, we will focus on some thoughts about love. These thoughts apply to all expressions of love--the love of a spouse, a partner, a child, a parent or other family member, and/or a friend.

The first thought about love we'd like to offer is that love is as much a decision as it is a feeling. Feelings in any relationship ebb and flow. Emotions, like moods, can take on a cycle of their own and can seldom be trusted as an accurate measure of the strength of a relationship. For this reason, it's wise to recognize that love is not only a matter of the heart, but is also very much an act of the will. An exhausted parent, for example, who lovingly cares for a sick child, or a person who becomes a caregiver to a loved one is most likely making a decision to be loving, even while their feelings of love may ebb and flow.

Imagine there is an unresolved conflict between two people who care about each other. This conflict, in this example, has created strain in the relationship, even to the point where they hardly speak to each other anymore. Now imagine one person, uncomfortable with this, decides to reach out to the other person and begin a process of healing and reconciliation. They likely are making that decision hoping it will lead to a restored feeling of closeness and connection. They are deciding to act in a loving way, even if the feeling of love is not currently present.

When the topic of love is considered, the focus is often on the feelings associated with falling in love. Popular culture often focuses on and celebrates the "falling in love" stage of a relationship. If a person knew nothing else about love except what the media portrays, one would think that falling in love was what love must be like all the time. Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship, of course, knows differently. The head over heals rush of falling in love is as powerful and wonderful as it is transitory.

So given that falling in love is such a small phase of any relationship, we would like to reflect on the importance of what comes after falling in love, which is learning to stand in love. Standing in love is an extension of the idea that love is not just a feeling but also a decision. Regardless of what we may or may not be feeling, we can make daily decisions to stand in love in any relationship.

The quote above from poet Mary Oliver captures this with an economy of words. She reminds us to breathe in all the feelings that come and go in relationships and then to choose to breathe love out into our relationships and the world at large.  

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. May we all decide to renew our commitment to standing in love with the people who matter most in our lives.  

Making It Personal

1. What do you think about the idea that love is as much a decision as a feeling?

2. Can you think of a time when you decided to express love, even if you weren't necessarily feeling it at the time?

3. Is there someone you would like to practice standing in love with right now? What could you do about that this week?

   (Today’s column on the wellness area of “Healthy Relationships” is the Fifth in an eight-part series that will explore the eight areas of wellness that are part of the Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being.)

To explore your own well-being in the eight areas of wellness, you may be interested in downloading our newest FREE resource, The Adult Wellness Compass Notebook. This workbook is perfect for either individual or group use, and is a tool for self-reflection, learning, and goal setting. Click HERE to download and enjoy.

*Our episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on the idea of “standing in love.” You can listen in your favorite podcast app—just search for The Wellness Compass, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Celebrating Playfulness

Celebrating Playfulness

Imagine you have just met someone who recently moved to the United States from another part of the world, and this person has never heard of Groundhog Day, so they ask you to explain it. You begin by telling them about a little town in Pennsylvania called Punxsutawney, hoping they don't ask you how to spell it. You explain that a groundhog named Phil lives there and is reported to be immortal, now having lived 137 years.  

You continue with how every year on February 2nd, Punxsutawney Phil is placed inside a simulated stump in front of a large, cheering crowd. And the moment everyone waits for is when this rodent, a cousin to the squirrel, emerges from his "stump." It is then that we find out if he sees his shadow or not. If he does, it means six more weeks of winter; if he does not, spring is just around the corner. Every news outlet has something to say about the events in Punxsutawney on Groundhog Day, and never does a groundhog receive so much attention on social media. 

By this point, you and your friend are probably having a good laugh about how cold weather can get to all of us sooner or later. You both realize how winter can even make a country of otherwise rational people celebrate a winter festival centered around a groundhog predicting the weather. The point of this fun celebration is just that--it is silly for sure and gives us all a chance to be playful.

When our kids were little, we, like many parents do, used to love reading silly stories to them. The more outlandish the story, the better. When we didn't have a good book to read, we were delighted to make stories up, spinning very elaborate yarns about a fictional family called the Langerts and their crazy adventures. These stories were just as silly as the stories we heard about a groundhog this week and were just as much fun. Groundhog Day is proof that we never outgrow our love of silly stories. 

There are many, many serious things going on in the world today. There is a time to be very serious about life, and most of us do "serious" pretty well. What's more challenging for many of us is remembering to make time for play and silliness.

Punxsutawney Phil made his prediction this week, and so we would like to make one of our own. If we don't make time for playfulness in our lives, we predict there may be more weeks of gray clouds ahead. However, if you can make some time for fun in your life, we predict a new spring in your step will be just around the corner.

Making It Personal:

When was the last time you did or enjoyed something playful or fun? 

When was the last time you let your imagination run wild? 

What's something you could do this week that would be playful? 

(Today’s column on the wellness area of “Rest and Play” is the fourth in an eight-part series that will explore the eight areas of wellness that are part of the Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being.)

To explore your own well-being in the eight areas of wellness, you may be interested in downloading our newest FREE resource, The Adult Wellness Compass Notebook. This workbook is perfect for either individual or group use, and is a tool for self-reflection, learning, and goal setting. Click HERE to download and enjoy.

Listen to our latest Wellness Compass podcast episode, where we discuss in the depth the topic of how we care for our bodies.  Listen at wellnesscompass.org or in your favorite podcast app.

*Our episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on the connection between playfulness and wellness. You can listen in your favorite podcast app—just search for The Wellness Compass, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Loving Every Body

Loving Every Body

It's about that time of year when the resolve that felt so strong at the beginning of the new year begins to fade. One reason may be that the resolution to change was not rooted in self-love, but instead in self-doubt or self-criticism.  

As the quote above states so clearly, there are those who profit by creating self-doubt, with subtle and not-so-subtle messages that we are not okay as we are. If only we had more of this, less of that, looked more like this, achieved more of that, possessed more of this, or experienced more of that, maybe then, or even only then, could we be truly content.  

We ground everything we offer in our Wellness Compass initiative in self-love. So, for example, if and when a person wants to make a change, we first help them to make sure that their desire to change comes from a source of positive motivation, not from a place of self-criticism, self-doubt, or because someone else thinks they need to change.  

The most common New Year's resolutions each year relate to how we care for our bodies and our physical well-being. This area of wellness is often filled with shame and self-criticism. Social media and the messages of our popular culture can create a sense of self-doubt. 

Here's a little exercise to try. If someone asked you, "What do you really like about your body," how easily could you answer, and how long would your list be? Compare that to your response if someone instead asked, "What do you currently not like about your body?" For many of us, the answers to the second question come much easier, while we have to think much harder about our responses to the first question. Another simple exercise is this: When you look in the mirror, what are the first thoughts that come to mind? These questions are meant to help us be more aware of our inner voices and what they are saying to us about how we feel about our bodies.

If you made a resolution related to the care for your body and are struggling to stay with it, take a moment to examine your motivation. And if you want to start over again, perhaps you can start by simply resolving to fully love your body as it is. If you start with that, then your body can let you know if or when there is something it would like to be different. It's similar to how we care for a good friend. We don't ever use shame or doubt to get them to change. But if there is a change they want to make, we are quick to offer our love and support to help them make that change. Perhaps we can provide that same kind of approach to ourselves.  

Making It Personal

1. How did you respond to the questions about what you like about your body vs. what you don't like? Which was easier for you to answer?

2. Can you think of a time when you decided to change how you cared for your physical well-being from a motive of loving self-care? If so, what did you learn from that experience?

(Today’s column is the third in an eight-part series that will explore the eight areas of wellness that are part of the Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being.)

To explore your own well-being in the eight areas of wellness, you may be interested in downloading our newest FREE resource, The Adult Wellness Compass Notebook. This workbook is perfect for either individual or group use, and is a tool for self-reflection, learning, and goal setting. Click HERE to download and enjoy.

Listen to our latest Wellness Compass podcast episode, where we discuss in the depth the topic of how we care for our bodies.  Listen at wellnesscompass.org or in your favorite podcast app.

*Our episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on the wellness are of caring for our bodies. You can listen in your favorite podcast app—just search for The Wellness Compass, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Your Life's Calling

Your Life’s Calling

We remember going to a funeral many years ago where it was said about the person (his name was Robert) whose life was being remembered, "I think his calling in life was to be a good friend because he was truly a dear friend to everyone who knew him." The idea of being a good friend as a "calling in life" has always stayed with us. 

It's easy to assume that a "life calling" needs to be something grand and remarkable. For example, we just celebrated Martin Luther King Day, a celebration of a man who had the courage to follow a genuinely grand and remarkable calling. While none of us will likely have the kind of impact on the world that King did, each of us can aspire to a more "local" calling, such as being a good friend or neighbor to others. To quote Dr. King, "If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way." 

Another word for "our calling in life" is our vocation, which happens to be one of our eight areas of well-being in our Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being. And as we continue our eight-part series on our whole-person approach to wellness, we invite you to reflect on how you feel about your sense of calling or vocation in life.  

The quote at the top of this column, that some attribute to Aristotle, says that vocation is where our talents and the world's needs meet. With this definition in mind, our vocation can be expressed in and through our paid work, our volunteer service, and/or our role as a parent, partner, spouse, aunt, uncle, grandparent, neighbor, or friend. 

Our "calling in life" sometimes shifts and strengthens as we move through the different stages and ages of our lives. Many people, for example, talk about one of the benefits of being older is that they have more ability and time to give back to the world than they did when they were younger. Giving back to the world is one way they can align their talents with the world's needs and live out their "calling."

The beginning of a new year is a typical time to reflect on our lives, so we are exploring a different area of well-being each week in our January and February columns (and our corresponding podcast episodes). This week we invite you to use the "Making It Personal" questions below to take a moment to reflect on your sense of calling or vocation and how that is impacting your overall sense of wellness right now.  

Making It Personal:

1. If someone asked you, "what do you think your calling in life is how would you answer? If you are unsure, take some time over the next few days or weeks to think about it.

2. Has your sense of how you want to give back to the world shifted over your lifetime?

3. Is there a shift you are sensing that you want to make right now, one that would help you more fully connect your "gifts and talents with the needs of the world" and help you better express your sense of calling?

4. If you are working (in whatever way you define work right now), how satisfied are you with your work/life balance?

(Today’s column is the second in an eight-part series that will explore the eight areas of wellness that are part of the Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being.)

To explore your own well-being in the eight areas of wellness, you may be interested in downloading our newest FREE resource, The Adult Wellness Compass Notebook. This workbook is perfect for either individual or group use, and is a tool for self-reflection, learning, and goal setting. Click HERE to download and enjoy.

Listen to our latest Wellness Compass podcast episode, where we discuss in the depth the connection between vocation and well-being.  Listen at wellnesscompass.org or in your favorite podcast app.

*Our episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on the connection between vocation and well-being. You can listen in your favorite podcast app—just search for The Wellness Compass, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Spirituality, Awe, and Well-Being

Spirituality and Well-Being

The word “awesome” has become so ubiquitous that it has nearly lost its meaning. Originally it referred to being “profoundly reverential,” something that inspired deep wonder and mystery. Today it has simply come to mean something that is “impressive or very good.”

If, for no other reason, one benefit of reconnecting with the original meaning of awe is that doing so is good for our health and well-being. This fact was reported in a New York Times article this week about a newly published book, “Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life” by a psychologist named Dr. Dacher Keltner. You can read the article HERE.  

Here’s a quote from the article: “In his book, Dr. Keltner writes that awe is critical to our well-being — just like joy, contentment‌ , and love. His research suggests it has tremendous health benefits that include calming down our nervous system and triggering the release of oxytocin, the “love” hormone that promotes trust and bonding.”

Dr. Keltner believes that our capacity to experience awe is something that can be cultivated. He recommends explicitly four practices: 

1. Pay attention.

2. Focus on the goodness and moral beauty of others.

3. Practice mindfulness.

4. Be willing sometimes to choose the unfamiliar path. 

Our Wellness Compass Model of well-being takes a whole-person approach to wellness that focuses on eight interconnecting dimensions of well-being. One of those eight areas is Spirituality, an area of wellness that includes the capacity to both experience and express awe. 

As with each of the eight areas of our Wellness Compass, spirituality is not something we simply have or don’t have. It is something that can be nurtured and strengthened, be it in a religious sense or not. Adopting a regular spiritual practice that connects us with a higher and transcendent dimension of life will strengthen the spiritual dimension of our lives.

We are grateful for the affirming research and suggestions Dr. Keltner offers in his new book that supports this idea. We also appreciate his practical ideas for deepening our spirituality and our capacity to experience awe.

Making It Personal:

1. When was the last time you experienced a profound sense of awe? What did you experience?

2. What do you think about the idea that experiencing awe can be cultivated? 

3. What connection do you see or feel between spirituality, awe, and your overall well-being?  

4. As the new year begins, is there anything you to kindle or rekindle the spiritual dimension of your life?

(Today’s column is the first in an eight-part series that will explore the eight areas of wellness that are part of the Wellness Compass Model for Well-Being.)

To explore your own well-being in the eight areas of wellness, you may be interested in downloading our newest FREE resource, The Adult Wellness Compass Notebook. This workbook is perfect for either individual or group use, and is a tool for self-reflection, learning, and goal setting. Click HERE to download and enjoy.

Listen to our latest Wellness Compass podcast episode, where we discuss in the depth the connection between spirituality and well-being.  Listen at wellnesscompass.org or in your favorite podcast app.

*Our episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on the connection between spirituality and well-being. You can listen in your favorite podcast app—just search for The Wellness Compass, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Changing From the Inside Out

Changing From the Inside Out

Have you ever said, "yes" to doing something for the wrong reason? Maybe it was peer pressure, or thinking you should say "yes," or because you didn't want to disappoint someone, or even that you didn't really think through your decision before responding.

In our experience, this is what happens with many people who make New Year's resolutions. They say, “yes" to making a change for the wrong reason. Maybe they say, "yes" because it's what they think someone is supposed to do at this time of year. Or because others are encouraging them to make a resolution and you don't want to disappoint them.  Or even because they are worried about coming across as a person who isn't willing to commit to growth and self-improvement.  

In these scenarios, what is happening is that a person is making a decision from the "outside in." They are responding to an external prompt to do something rather than an internal prompt. Studies have shown that when any commitment to change, such as a a New Year's resolution, is made from the “outside in," it has a minimal chance of happening.

So our advice is that if you want to make a resolution to change—at the beginning of a new year or at any time—you do it from the "inside, out." This involves first deeply listening to what whispers you are getting from your life. Listen to your heart. Listen to your body. Listen to your spirit.

Our lives are always speaking to us, but we are not always listening. What is your life saying to you right now, and based on that, is there a change you want to work to make? Creating a resolution, something you feel strongly will create greater wellness in your life, to change from the "inside, out,” will give you a much better chance of making and sustaining the change.You are making a particular change because you genuinely want to make it, and not because you think you “should," or not because you are trying to please someone else.

Tens of thousands of people have visited https://www.wellnesscompass.org/assessments  to take our online self-assessments (adult, parent and teen versions) because they find them to be an effective tool to help them listen to their lives from the “inside out." We share them with you in the hopes that  you might find it helpful, too.

We wish each and every one of you a happy and healthy New Year.

Making It Personal:

1. What do you think of the value of creating change from the "outside in" vs. the “inside out?”

2. What helps you listen to your life, helping to revealany possible changes you want to make?

3. Is there an intention or resolution that you are considering right now?  What might your first step be in making that change?*Our episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on the idea of a “conspiracy of love”. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

A Conspiracy of Love

A Conspiracy of Love

Last week we wrote about lessons we learned from attending a holiday concert performed by the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra and their chorus. This week, we attended a very different kind of holiday concert. This one was performed by our grandson and his third-grade classmates, and it, too, was spectacular in its own innocent way.

It’s hard to say who was smiling more at the concert—the children or their families. After each song, we noticed something very special. We saw the parents making a heart shape with their hands and then moving their hands from their hearts toward their children, sending them all the love their hearts were filled with at that moment. What we witnessed was the essence of this quote from Hamilton Wright Mabie, “Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.”

And now it’s our turn to do the same with all of you. As we write this final column of the year, we hold our hands over our hearts and send each of you love and good wishes for the holidays. However you celebrate, may you be blessed by and participate in a “conspiracy of love.”

We look forward to continuing to walk this journey of wholeness and wellness with you in the new year.

*Our episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on the idea of a “conspiracy of love”. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Tuning Our Instruments First

Tuning Our Instruments First

We could have titled this column “Three Lessons We Learned From Attending a Holiday Pops Concert” as we had the joy of attending such a concert with some dear friends this past weekend. Here are a few lessons we took from the show that might be helpful reminders to all of us during this holiday season.

Tune your instrument first. 

When the concertmaster (principal violinist) walked on stage, before she played a single note, she paused and spent time getting every one of the musicians in the symphony to tune their instruments. She did the same thing when the musicians came back after intermission. We also noticed that many of the musicians were making minor refinements to their tuning after almost every song. 

Some of us may be spending more time than usual with others during the holidays. Of course, we realize this is only true for some, as others will undoubtedly be alone or away from family and friends. Either way, if we are spending time with others, or are on our own, it’s an excellent reminder to take time to “tune” our emotional and spiritual well-being. Take some time for yourself so you can be positively present to what or who comes your way. If we have taken care of ourselves and are “in tune,” so to speak, we will be well prepared to make better sounding music in our interaction with others. 

Be in the present moment. 

As is the custom with any concert or theater show, an announcement was made at the beginning to silence all cell phones. What a great reminder that we need to be intentional about turning off potential distractions that could block our ability to be fully present in the moment we are experiencing. It took us a few songs to settle in and be fully present to the experience being offered, and once we did, we became fully immersed in the moment and the music and lost all sense of time in the process. For one song, the audience was invited to sing along; for a few minutes, we had almost 1,000 people singing and playing music together. It was indeed a magical moment. And then it was over. And then it was a memory. The same will be true of our holidays. In a few short days, they, too, will be a memory, a reason to concentrate on being in the present moment and all the wonders it has to offer.

The whole is greater than the sum of the parts. 

The Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra was joined by the Milwaukee Symphony Chorus at this concert, making a group of close to 150 musicians. Each musician was highly talented, and yet it was the overall effect of the harmonies and diversity of instruments and voices that created the essence of what everyone joyfully experienced. This helps us remember that none of us are responsible for making all of the “music.” We each have a part to play in making the holidays special, a vital role actually, but the true joy is found in honoring and welcoming what each person has uniquely to offer.  

So there you have it --with a special thanks to the Milwaukee Symphony and Chorus-three lessons we learned from attending a holiday pops concert. We share them in hopes that they inspire you to tune your instrument regularly, seek to be fully present in the moment, and remember that the whole is always greater than the sum of the parts. 

*Our episode of the Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on these three lessons. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Self-Compassion and Grief

Self-Compassion and Grief

Holidays are a natural time for reminiscing, a time when we fondly remember people and traditions that are no longer a part of our lives. And it is only natural to feel both the joy and sadness of such memories. When we listen closely to others this time of year, it is not uncommon to hear at least a story about a loss they are experiencing and feeling. We might also know someone facing their first holiday after a significant loss or transition.

At our best, when someone shares their grief with us, we hopefully extend a compassionate ear and heart to them. We pause and try to offer them the best holiday gift we can give—the gift of our full and undivided presence. Our offering of compassion will ease their pain for a bit, and they will be grateful for having received the gift of our caring attention.

Now imagine that the person experiencing a loss or transition you encounter is yourself. Are you able to offer yourself the same gift of compassion as readily as you are able to show it to someone else? If not, what do you offer yourself instead? Self-criticism? Distraction? Impatience?

Self-compassion is one of the foundations of well-being and is especially important when we are experiencing the vulnerability of loss. Offering self-compassion to yourself might be a wonderful gift for even you this year. It's worth noting, too, that there is usually a connection between our capacity to offer compassion to ourselves, and our ability to show it to others.  

Here are a few suggestions of how you can care for yourself if or when you find yourself feeling grief during the holidays. 

Be gentle with yourself. Perhaps this is the year you can let go of some of your usual expectations or traditions, so things are simpler and less stressful. 

Take time to rest—being sure to get enough sleep and not to distract yourself with busyness. 

Make intentional time to nurture your spirituality through reading, meditation, prayer, or participating in a faith community's offerings. 

Choose to spend time with people who "get" what you are experiencing and minimize time with people who might be uncomfortable with your feelings. 

These are just a few suggestions. One of the premises in all of our Wellness Compass resources is that when we take the time to slow down enough and truly listen to what our hearts and souls and minds are telling us, we will know what we need to do to care for ourselves.

Compassion is truly one of the greatest gifts we can give this holiday season, to others and ourselves. 

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on the topic of self-compassion and grief. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Self-Care and the Holidays: Less is More

Self-Care and the Holidays: Less is More

In 1907 a young architect by the name of Ludwig Mies van der Rohe was working on a building design for his mentor Peter Behrens. When he presented several different designs to his mentor, Behrens's advice was to remember that, when designing a building, many times, "less is more."

The messages we receive during this holiday season are just the opposite. They are often some version of "more is more," as we are encouraged to buy more, do more, eat more, drink more, and want more. Our experience as therapists is that this can actually be a recipe for more stress and strife in ourselves and our relationships. 

And so, as we enter the holiday season, we invite each of us to make choices about the kind of experiences we wish to design for ourselves, keeping in mind the advice that "less is more."

Making It Personal:

Are you feeling pressure to do more this time of year? What is one thing you wish to do less of during the next four weeks? Can you think of some way in which doing less could lead to enjoying more of what you want to experience this holiday season?

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on the topic of self-care and the holidays. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Let the Gratefulness Overflow Into Blessing

Let the Gratefulness Overflow Into Blessing

This week's column's title comes from one of my favorite videos. We have shared it in this column before, as it speaks so eloquently about the true meaning of Thanksgiving. 

The video, which focuses on nature, beauty, and gratitude, brings the stunning photography of Louie Schwartzberg together with the spoken words of Benedictine monk Brother David Steindl-Rast. Brother David invites us to pay attention, really pay attention to the simple gifts and blessings of life that can be so quickly be taken for granted. He points out that paying attention to the wonder of nature and the wonder of the people we encounter in our life is the basis for authentic gratitude. We could not agree more.

You can view the video HERE:  If you want to read along as Brother David speaks, the text of his words follows. His narration is spectacular, and so we highly recommend listening to him recite these words.  

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you, and in the words of Brother David, "May your gratefulness overflow into blessing all around you.” 

  “You think that this is just another day in your life. It's not just another day. It's the one day that is given to you - today. It's given to you. It's a gift. It's the only gift that you have right now. And the only appropriate response is gratefulness. 

  If you do nothing else but to cultivate that response to the great gift that this unique day is. If you learn to respond as if it were the first day in your life and the very last day, then you will have spent this day very well. 

  Begin by opening your eyes, and be surprised that you have eyes you can open to that incredible array of colors that is constantly offered to us for our pure enjoyment. Look at the sky. We so rarely look at the sky. We so rarely note how different it is from moment to moment, with clouds coming and going. We just think of the weather, and even with the weather we don't think of all the many nuances of weather. We just think of "good weather" and "bad weather." 

  This day, right now, with its unique weather, may be a kind that will never exactly in that form come again. The formation of clouds in the sky will never be the same as it is right now. Open your eyes. Look at that. 

  Look at the faces of people whom you meet. Each one has an incredible story behind their face, a story that you could never fully fathom. Not only their own story, but the story of their ancestors. We all go back so far.

  And in this present moment on this day, all the people you meet, all that life from generations, and from so many places all over the world, flows together and meets you here like a life-giving water, if you only open your heart and drink. 

  Open your heart to the incredible gifts that civilization gives to us. You flip a switch, and there is electric light. You turn a faucet, and there is warm water, and cold water, and drinkable water, a gift that millions and millions in the world will never experience. 

  So these are just a few of an enormous number of gifts to which you can open your heart. 

  And so I am wishing you will open your heart to all these blessings and let them flow through you. Know that everyone you will meet on this day will be blessed by you, just by your eyes, by your smile, by your touch, just by your presence. 

  Let the gratefulness overflow into blessing all around you. Then it will really be a good day.”

Words by Brother David Steindl-Rast

**Please note that we will be taking a week off as we travel for Thanksgiving. This column will resume in two weeks.

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on the connection between gratitude and well-being. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Grateful Living

Grateful Living

Grateful living is a beautiful prescription for how to live one's life. It is also the name of a nonprofit organization that we recommend you learn more about, a timely recommendation in this month where we focus on being thankful.

Grateful Living's mission statement, which you can find on their website www.grateful.org is worth reading slowly: "Grateful Living is a global nonprofit organization offering online and community-based educational programs and practices. Our offerings guide a commitment to the practice of Grateful Living and catalyze the transformative power of personal and societal responsibility. We hold Grateful Living as an engaged mindfulness practice, grounded in both wisdom and science, which supports our ability to see the wonder and opportunity in every moment, and motivates us to act boldly with love, generosity, and respect towards one another, ourselves, and the Earth."

Our Wellness Compass Initiative fully aligns with their mission as recent research has consistently shown a high correlation between gratitude practices and well-being. 

For example, Harvard Health, the media and publishing division of Harvard Medical School, published a study regarding the importance of gratefulness. One group of people was asked to write about something every day for which they were grateful. A second group was asked to write about something every day that irritated them. They found the difference between the two groups "After 10 weeks, those who wrote about gratitude were more optimistic and felt better about their lives. Surprisingly, they also exercised more and had fewer visits to physicians than those who focused on sources of aggravation. You can read about the research at Health.Harvard.edu. 

So as we prepare to celebrate Thanksgiving Day, let's also pause to consider what it might mean to focus on grateful living, where practicing and expressing gratitude becomes not just a holiday tradition but also a regular part of our daily life.

Making It Personal:

This week is Veteran's Day. It there a veteran in your life that you can thank for their service?  Who else do you want to express gratitude to in your life right now?

In general, which comes easier for you—expressing irritation or gratitude?

Have you ever tried a gratitude practice where you write or share something you are grateful for on a daily basis? Are you willing to try that?

Are you ready to learn about other gratitude practices recommended by Grateful Living?

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on the connection between gratitude and well-being. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Emotional Flooding

Emotional Flooding

We are creatures of emotion more than we are creatures of logic. So said Dale Carnegie many years ago.  

Advertisers, whether of the political or the consumer kind, know this. They promote their candidate or product by appealing to our emotions, not our logic. As marriage and family therapists, we also know how easily and quickly emotions can overpower one’s ability to reason.  

John Gottman, a wise author and researcher on relationships, coined the concept of “emotional flooding” to describe the experience of what it feels like when we become hijacked by our emotions or the emotions of someone else. Our reptilian brains are primed for fight-flight mode, and when that part of our brain gets activated, rational thinking is in short supply. 

Another way to understand what emotional flooding looks like is to think of the last time you were around a young child who was over-tired or over-stimulated. In such a state, children can become flooded by emotions; at that point, it is almost impossible to appeal to their sense of logic. While we adults have greater emotional maturity, we too can become flooded with worry, fear, anger, sadness, or irritability under the right circumstances, and our logic too can disappear. 

Emotional flooding is not something we outgrow. It can still happen to any of us. We can’t choose for it not to happen. But what we can choose is how we manage it.

Recognizing our triggers and taking responsibility for ourselves when we are emotionally overwhelmed is crucial to emotional intelligence. This can look like saying, “I want to apologize for how I got hooked and completely overreacted last night and said things I regret. I want to revisit our conversation now that I’m in a more centered place to have a more productive conversation about the issue.” 

Taking responsibility is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of emotional health. So, while we never wholly outgrow emotional flooding, we can grow in our ability to manage and take responsibility for our strong emotions. 

Our Wellness Compass Model of Well-Being includes eight dimensions of wellness. One of the eight dimensions is “Handling Emotions.” We call it that because the key to well-being in this area is not our emotions in and of themselves, but how we handle them. Feelings are not good or bad, right or wrong. However, how we handle our feelings can make all the difference in our own well-being and the health of our relationships.  

Making It Personal Questions:

Do you recognize the triggers that cause you to become emotionally flooded? 

Are you aware of, take responsibility for, and even apologize when your emotions overpower your ability to reason? 

Do you have things you do that help you either be less emotionally reactive and/or help you recenter when you are overwhelmed? If not, what tools might you want to develop?

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on the idea of emotional flooding. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Of Halloween and Masks

Of Halloween and Masks

When our children were young, they loved putting on their Halloween masks and believing they were genuinely scaring us. After a few moments of enjoying how frightened we had become, they would pull off their masks and exclaim, "It's okay, it's just ME!" We would respond with an exaggerated sense of relief, "Oh, thank goodness, because we were SO scared.!"

We remembered this fun Halloween exchange with our children a few years later when they were in middle and high school. Now the costumes and behaviors that scared us at times were not just related to Halloween, but to the different roles that adolescents often try on as they are forming their identities. At this stage of parenting, it became even more important to remember and stay connected with the "It's okay, it's just ME" that was our children's enduring core identity, often hidden behind the many disguises of adolescence.

I also remember visiting with an elderly gentleman at this time of year in a skilled care facility and asking him if he had decided on a Halloween costume yet. He thought for a moment and then grinned and said, "I'm going to dress up as an old man this year—no one will have any idea it's me." He then pointed to himself and his clothes and added, "I guess I'm already wearing my costume!" We laughed together, and I realized that behind the exterior of his aging appearance, there too was still an "It's okay, it's just ME!" inside.

There is indeed "a just me" inside each of us. It is our true self, our core identity, that endures throughout our lifetime. Because our true self can be very vulnerable at times, we  sometimes develop different "masks"  to help us get along in the day-to-day world. There is nothing wrong with these “disguises” except when we confuse these masks—our own or others, with the true self. When any one of us are going through a challenging time this is especially important to remember.This is because, during such times, we may be more likely to hide our true selves and pretend everything is fine.

Halloween masks make for great fun—for young and old. For Halloween, the whole point is to fool others and to mask one's true identity—to be someone other than who we really are. The rest of the year, though, let's remember that hiding our true selves is a sure way to erode our own well-being, as well as the well-being of the important relationships in our lives.

Revealing our true selves will be more difficult when we feel most vulnerable. During such times, we may be tempted to put on  masks, especially the masks of anger and irritability, which like Halloween masks, are designed to scare people away. Making the sometimes difficult choice to share our true selves, to say to others, "It's okay, it's just ME!" will do wonders for both our personal and relational well-being.

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on our true selves and the possible ways we can mask that true self from ourselves and others. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Lessons Learned From Walking a Corn Maze

Lessons Learned From a Corn Maze

Have you ever been so stubbornly sure that you were right that you had difficulty changing your mind, even when you gained new information and it was clear that you were mistaken? Even when the rest of the people in your group gave you feedback that you were off track?

This was my (Scott’s) experience as I walked a corn maze with part of my extended family this past week. If you are not so fortunate as to live in a part of the country with corn mazes, you can learn more about them by visiting the Treinen Farm corn maze website that we walked this week in Lodi, Wisconsin (www.treinenfarm.com).

The maze was set up so that we started with just one of the eight sections of the map of the 600 x 400 yard maze. To get each additional section, we had to locate a mailbox within the maze on the map portion we had just received. I was sure I knew the way to the first mailbox and promptly got our group lost, even while insisting that I was right. Finally, there was no more denying our being off track, and I relinquished my role as navigator to those who clearly had a better sense of direction.  

Being able to recognize when we are on the wrong path is often the prerequisite to discovering the right direction forward. It sounds simple in concept, but can be difficult in practice. Whether in a corn maze, or an argument we are having with a person we love, our need to be right can sometimes hurt ourselves and others. Fortunately, I could laugh at myself and create a space for all of us to take turns figuring out what was an incredibly challenging puzzle.

That leads to the second lesson we learned. Trust the wisdom in the group and let everyone’s voice be heard. Just as there were many pieces to the overall maze map, we often each hold a piece of wisdom that, when joined with others, creates a much fuller and healthy perspective.

A third lesson we learned is the importance of pausing and listening. Before entering the corn maze, we were told that when you feel like you have lost your bearings, stop and listen to where the road noise is coming from, as that will tell you which direction is south. We benefited from that advice several times. 

Our Wellness Compass Model of Well-Being has eight wellness areas, one of which is spirituality. Spirituality helps us find or re-find our bearings when we are feeling off track. Spiritual practices like journaling, mindfulness, prayer, or time in nature help us to calm and re-center ourselves. 

The final lesson we learned, also a spiritual lesson, is to focus on enjoying the journey and not just on the destination. At this point, I can’t even remember if we actually found all the pieces of the maze that we were so set on finding when we began. But I most definitely remember how much fun we had and how much laughter we shared. We have been sharing fun memories of our time in the maze with our grandkids all week, and none of those memories have to do with what we accomplished.

Who amongst hasn’t been sure we knew where we were heading, only to find out that we were completely wrong? We all get lost from time to time and need to pause, check our bearings, and adjust our courses. Admitting when we are off track, asking for help when we need it, and keeping a sense of humor in the process, will go a long way in helping us enjoy this journey we are all on together. 

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on other lessons we learned walking a corn maze. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Of Permanence and Change

Of Permanence and Change

Fall has arrived in all its glory in the upper midwest. In addition to the stunning colors of the changing leaves, there are many reasons to love this season, including apple picking, corn mazes, playoff baseball, carving pumpkins, baking pies, and wearing your favorite sweater.

One additional reason we love fall is that it is a time when we find ourselves turning inward, reflecting on the changing nature of life in general. The poet Bonaro Overstreet captures this part of fall when he describes this time of year as "a symphony of permanence and change." Life is indeed an ongoing song of permanence and change, and taking time to honor both realities is essential.

It's not just the trees transitioning here in the northern hemisphere as the geese and other wildlife prepare for the coming winter months, as well. The geese and other animals move great distances, making an external, literal transition of place. Trees and many other animals stay in place and create an internal transition, shifting their energy from external growth and creation to various expressions of internal protecting and stewarding.  

We can all benefit from doing a similar kind of internal protecting and stewarding in the fall as we let go of what has been. Maybe a relationship, a job, or a dream for ourselves or others is changing. Perhaps it's time for us to let go of a grudge or expectation. No matter what is shifting for us, it will likely be an emotional undertaking, being hard, uncomfortable, and yet in some instances, even freeing. 

A symphony of permanence and change, and the leaves remind us that it is possible to find beauty in both.

Making It Personal Questions:

1. Is there a significant change in your life that you are experiencing right now? If so, how are you experiencing this change? Excited? Sad? Angry? Worried? Are you comfortable experiencing and expressing the full range of your emotions?

2. In this season of permanence and change, what remains constant for you? What do you hold on to? Is it your spirituality? Your values? Your core sense of who you are?

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on this concept of letting go. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

Mindset Matters

Mindset Matters

Carol Dweck, a research psychologist at Stanford University, is well known for her work on exploring the differences between fixed and growth mindsets. Our column and podcast from last week focused on the power of the word yet, which was a simple way to understand the more complex concepts that this psychologist writes about.

"I can't constructively express my feelings when I am upset," is an example of a fixed mindset.

"I haven't learned how to express my feelings constructively yet" is an example of a growth mindset.

Here are a few other examples. These are some of the ones we often hear as therapists. Each pair of statements are an example of the two mindsets.

"I don't know how to say 'no' to my children." 

"I am learning how to set clearer boundaries with my children."

"We don't talk about conflict in our relationship."

"We have been taking risks to address conflict when it comes up. It's quite awkward at this point, but we are learning."

"I am not an exerciser. Never have been and never will be."

"I have recently committed to walking three times a week, and while I wouldn't say it's a habit yet, I'm curious about what the benefits might be for me."

"My friend practices meditation and mindfulness to help her with her stress. I would never do something like that."

"My friend practices meditation and mindfulness to help her with her stress. I'm going to talk to her and learn how it's helpful for her. Maybe I'll even try it myself."

"I think that people that disagree with me politically are usually ignorant and uninformed."

"I have some friends and family members who disagree with me politically, and I want to find a way to talk with them so that we can genuinely be curious and listen to each other. Maybe if we are respectful, we might even learn from or about why we think what we think."

"That's just the way I am. You are not going to change me now." (Usually said in response to some kind of criticism, such as being late, or impulsive, or drinking too much, or being unable to apologize.)

"While I know I _______(fill in the blank), I am working to be more open to changing and learning to be different because I see it hurts you and me."

We are not born with our mindsets. We form them in response to many influences over time. Often our mindsets are unconscious, and we are unaware that they powerfully influence our thoughts, words, and actions. As therapists, though, we often see that behind unhealthy habits and behaviors are unhealthy and fixed mindsets. This is why it is good to be able to examine our perspectives and honestly reflect on whether they are enhancing or limiting our well-being, and our relationships with those we know and love.

Mindsets can be healthy and life-giving too. Core values such as honesty, kindness, love, and generosity ground our thoughts and actions in life-giving ways. It's only when we have a mindset that is hurting us, or others, that we want to be open to working to move that mindset from being fixed, to adopting new ways of thinking that promote growth and change.  

Making It Personal Questions:

Can you think of a time in the past when you, and/or a relationship in your life, benefited from you changing what had previously been a fixed mindset?

Do you feel a nudge to reflect on a mindset right now that might be limiting your well-being?

If you answered yes to number 2, what steps might you take right now to move to more of a growth mindset?

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on mindsets. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.

The Power of Yet

The Power of Yet

Sometimes a small, three-letter word can make all the difference. To understand what we mean, note the difference between these two sentences.

“I am discouraged because I don’t know how to figure this out.” 

“I am discouraged because I don’t know how to figure this out yet.” 

The only difference  is the word “yet.” Adding this critical word opens up possibility and hope. The first sentence states a fact, a statement that seems to be the end of the story, rather than the mid-point of a story that is still being written.

The this in the two sentences will be different for each of us. Here are the ones we typically hear in our work as marriage and family therapists and as wellness coaches.  

“I feel a distance in my relationship with my friend/spouse/child/parent/sibling/colleague and don’t know what to do to change this.”

“I don’t know how to change my unhealthy drinking patterns.”

“I am burned out in my work, and I can’t figure out a way to make a change.”

“My grief is overwhelming, and I have no idea how to create the next chapter in my life.”

“My child is now in middle school and I have no idea how to connect with them at this stage.”

Reread each of these sentences now and add the word yet to the end. Adding this small, but powerful word helps people move, in the words of author and researcher Carol Dweck, from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset.  

Each challenge mentioned above is significant, and is not quickly resolved by simply adding the word yet. And yet (so to speak!), without that vital word, we will lack the mindset needed to keep trying until we figure things out, as well as being open to asking for help from others.

Are you stuck right now in a loop of thinking that a particular concern in your life cannot change? The first step to getting unstuck might be to shift to a “yet mindset,” one that creates an opening for growth and change. And while you are at it, you might consider who you might reach out to help you with this shift.  

Shifting your perspective on a challenge you are facing and reaching out to others for support can be difficult. Perhaps, though, this has been hard for you to do. Or, in the spirit of today’s column, …..it may be simply something you haven’t been able to do ……yet!

**If you have children that you want to talk with about the power of yet, or you are a child at heart, you will love this Sesame Street video about the power of yet featuring Janelle Monae. Click HERE to watch.

*Our Wellness Compass Podcast this week expands on this concept of the power of yet.. You can listen in. your favorite podcast app, or by clicking on the “Podcast” tab in the header at the top of this page.