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What follows is the weekly column we email every Friday that is a companion to this weekly podcast. This podcast episode expands on the content of the column. You can subscribe to the weekly column HERE.
Transcending the Limits of Either-Or Thinking
In our counseling practices, we often hear clients express their struggles in absolute terms. “I’m either a complete success or a total failure.” “My relationship is either perfect or it’s over.” “I’m either productive or I’m lazy.” This pattern, known as either-or thinking, can significantly impact our emotional, relational, and spiritual well-being. Here are four Wellness Compass points about this cognitive trap and how to move beyond it.
1. Either-Or Thinking Creates Unnecessary Distress
When we force ourselves, others, and situations into rigid categories, we set ourselves up for suffering. A single mistake can become evidence of complete incompetence. One disagreement with a partner can signal doom for the relationship. A rest day means we’ve lost all discipline. This binary lens intensifies anxiety and depression, creating a constant state of evaluation where we’re perpetually sorting experiences into “good” or “bad” boxes. The most significant problem with this thinking is that it creates little room for the messy, complicated middle ground where most of life actually happens.
2. Notice Absolute Language
We often talk with our clients about the importance of awareness and intention. The first step toward change is awareness. When we catch ourselves thinking in extremes, we can pause and ask: “What else might be true here?” A disappointing work presentation doesn’t make us incompetent; it makes us someone who had an off day and is still learning. We can be frustrated with someone we love, and still love them deeply. We can allow ourselves to remain open to learning about a key issue, and not view it as a weakness if we change our minds as we gain more knowledge and experience.
3. Recognize That Growth Happens in the Gray Zone
Chances are that we have all experienced a time when we made a change or decision and later changed our mind. If we are locked into either-or thinking, we might lose the flexibility to change our minds or admit that we were wrong. The “gray zone” is the space between polar opposites. The gray zone is often where we remain open to learning and growing, where we are neither wholly lost nor fully arrived. This is actually where the most meaningful growth occurs. Accepting this reality helps us remain patient and curious, rather than judgmental, during the learning process.
4. Embrace Paradox and “Both-And” Awareness
Life is full of contradictions, and holding multiple truths simultaneously is a sign of psychological maturity, not weakness. You can feel grateful for what you have while still wanting things to improve. You can be both anxious and hopeful, tired and committed, imperfect and amazing, confused and clear, vulnerable and strong. The goal is, of course, not to eliminate all either-or thinking but to recognize when that kind of thinking is limiting us. By expanding our perspective to include the vast spectrum between extremes, we create space for self-compassion, new insights, resilience, and a more authentic relationship with ourselves and others.
Questions for Making it Personal
1. Can you identify a recent time when you were caught up in either-or thinking that was limiting for you or your relationship with someone?
2. If you affirmatively answered question one, what steps can you take to soften that either-or thinking? What might you replace it with?
3. How comfortable are you with the concept of being in the gray zone—the place where you are still learning and growing? Are you willing to acknowledge when you don’t know something or when you were wrong about something?
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There is a weekly Wellness Compass Column that is emailed each Friday morning that corresponds with this podcast. You can sign up to receive this free weekly email at www.WellnessCompass.org
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ABOUT THE CREATORS:
Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT, are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.
