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The Gift We So Often Forget to Give Ourselves
Wellness Compass Podcast
Self-Compassion and Self-Care
Episode Summary
We hear about self-compassion and self-care so often that the words can start to wash over us — and yet most of us are still much better at offering compassion to others than to ourselves. In this episode, Holly and Scott Stoner explore why these practices are not luxuries or signs of self-indulgence, but the very foundation of sustained wellness, healthy relationships, and genuine care for others. Drawing on their work as marriage and family therapists, their Wellness Compass programs, and a moving story from a high school mental health fair, they make the case that a full cup is what makes giving possible — and that self-compassion is not about lowering the bar, but about meeting yourself with honesty and kindness at the same time.
Key Themes
Why self-compassion and self-care feel so countercultural — and why they matter more than ever right now
The difference between self-compassion and toxic positivity — it's honest and kind, not one or the other
How the inner critic develops, why it sometimes seems to work in the short run, and why it grinds us down over time
Social media and the trap of "comparing your insides to other people's outsides"
The Wellness Compass core principle: whatever we pay attention to is what will grow
Why self-care is not selfish — it's about creating a centered self, not a self-centered one
Story from the Episode
Holly shares a conversation from a high school mental health fair with a young football player who was carrying heavy self-criticism after his team's loss. His story illustrates something universal — the weight we carry when we hold ourselves to a standard that leaves no room for compassion, effort, or grace.
Quote of the Episode
"Self-care is not about being self-centered. It's about creating a centered self." — Scott Stoner
Featured Resource
Kristin Neff — leading researcher, author, and teacher on self-compassion. Her simple, powerful starting point: "Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend." Here's a link to one of her videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11U0h0DPu7k
Upcoming Events
🌀 Wellness Circles — beginning April 7th and 8th, online. A practical, supported space for self-care and community. Learn more at wellnesscompass.org
Making It Personal
Is there an area of your life — at work, at home, or out in the world — where you tend to be hardest on yourself? Name it honestly, and then ask: what would it look like to be a little more gentle there?
What is one concrete thing you could do — journaling, a conversation, a shift in thinking — to grow more self-compassion in that area?
Where in your life could you use a little more self-care right now? What would it mean to fill your cup so you have more to offer yourself and others?
Connect with Holly and Scott
📧 Holly: holly@wellnesscompass.org
📧 Scott: scott@wellnesscompass.org
📧 Podcast & column: connect@wellnesscompass.org
New episodes release every two weeks. Until then — may you be safe, may you be healthy, may you live at ease, and may you deepen your practice of self-care and self-compassion.
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Sharing Light in the Darkness
In the 1990’s, there was a children’s show on the Nickelodeon Network that our children and we loved, called Are You Afraid of the Dark? One thing that made the show special was that it was just scary enough, without being terrifying. We find ourselves thinking about that show now as we in the Northern Hemisphere approach the darkest night of the year. There is a lot of fear, a lot of scary things happening in the world, things that can seem dark and overwhelming at times.
As therapists, we find ourselves invited into so many conversations these days about how can one find and how can one be light in the midst of the very real darkness we are seeing in the world.
Fortunately, we are not the first people to encounter this struggle. Each of the world’s spiritual traditions offers wisdom on finding hope, love, and peace—light—in the midst of the darkness of suffering, injustice, and violence.
A few years ago, we lost power in our house for several days due to an ice storm. As disruptive as that experience was, we discovered a lesson that has stayed with us. We discovered the difference a single candle can make in a pitch-black room. This experience has stayed with us, especially during difficult times when tragedy strikes our communities or violence erupts in our world. Like many of us, we sometimes feel overwhelmed by the darkness around us, uncertain where to turn or what to do. But then we remember the difference that one small candle, one small light can make.
There's an old saying: "It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness." For us now, lighting one candle means doing something kind and loving for someone else—some act of service that brings a small amount of light into their world and, little by little, helps brighten our world as a whole.
Here's what's remarkable about sharing light: when you have a lit candle and reach out to light someone else's candle, it in no way diminishes your own light. Unlike money or material resources, we can share the light of hope, love, and kindness with countless others, and still have own light which can continue to burn just as brightly.
As we celebrate the upcoming holidays, may we all commit to being candles of light, spreading love and kindness to all we encounter. The darkness is real and powerful, but the power of love and light is greater still.
Making It Personal:
1. When have you experienced someone lighting a candle of hope for you during a dark time? How did their act of kindness change your perspective or situation?
2. What small act of love or service could you offer this week to bring light into someone else's world?
3. What helps you remember that sharing your light with others doesn't diminish your own? How might this understanding change the way you approach generosity this season?
ABOUT THE CREATORS:
Holly Hughes Stoner, LMFT and Scott Stoner, LMFT, are both licensed marriage and family therapists who are partners in life and in work. They are the Co-Directors and Co-Creators of the Wellness Compass Initiative, a non-profit initiative that crates preventative wellness materials for adults, families, and teens. They live in Madison, Wisconsin and are the parents of three adult children and are blessed with two grandchildren, as well.
